Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Ironically, Jessica, Yu Jie and I were talking about fear while going home last week. The topic cropped up as we were talking about the coming deliverance session and about the spirits that probably dwelt within us. While Jessica and Yu Jie spoke up about their fears, I found it hard to describe I had any fear. Both of them naturally assumed I wasn't afraid of anything. And from the response of my cellgroup after the deliverance, I could see that most of them were shocked to think I feared anything as well. Yet anyone who reads my blog should know I have fears. Just click on the cross, and the truth is emblazoned so clearly, where it shows my loves and my fears.
What's my greatest fear? Losing people, things and especially my faith. I've been in church for close to 5 years and I've seen so many people leave church. Some were more spiritually mature than me, while others were younger. So many reasons, and so much rationality in their explanations sometimes. They've experience similar miracles as me, yet they leave what they know deep inside to be true. Sometimes I do wonder, is it really rational to believe in God? That angels are around us and demons likewise? Is it normal to think a snake talked to Eve? That a baby was born of a virgin? In this time and age, can we really believe that the Red Sea was parted by an old prophet who hung around in the mountains with the living God? That the Nile once became blood, and that a Man rose from the dead after 3 days?
I've seen countless miracles, I've seen the power of God so strong in lives all around me including my own. I know He's real, I have proof beyond words and facts of the natural world, yet sometimes I'm scared I might leave the Christian faith. That somehow, I'll falter and leave the Person who died for my sins. I've changed to become a better person than anyone could have ever thought of me, thanks to God, and so many people trust me because as a Christian, they naturally assume I'm a good person that upholds the faith. Yet I fear that somehow, I'll leave and go back to before, losing the trust of people, losing the friendship of others. I don't know how great leaders fell from faith. I don't know how my closest friends in church at the time who experience as much or even more than me fall away from God. I don't know how they lost it all, and fell away, leaving me to wonder what went wrong with them.
I don't think I've ever shared this publicly before. But during my 5 year tenure with God, there have been 3 major occasions where I've nearly left church. Each time, there's someone who helps me back to faith. Each time they tell me not to leave church and all, to keep hold, and meanwhile they pray for me. Yet nearly all of those faithful individuals who helped me keep my faith have left church. The irony of it all. There's natural assumptions people make of me. That I don't fear anything. That I love darkness and everything to do with it. That I'm obsessed with death.
During the deliverance session, I didn't feel a need to go down during the first 2 altar calls, and rightfully so, until Pastor Mike mentioned an unexpected third altar call, fear and death. I immediately went down and was prayed for. After a few seconds I collapsed and the SOT student continued to pray for me, and after a while he named the spirit inside me, which, naturally was fear. Lately I've had fear. Fear that I might lose my faith, after reading a some things I wrote before, which mentioned people who left the faith. Fear that the cellgroup would slowly crumble after multiplication. Fear that members would start to falter after multiplication. While I knew I was firmly grounded in God, that my cellgroup was more than capable to handle multiplication, that the members were strong enough to continue on in God after multiplication, there was this nagging fear in the crevices of my heart... what if? A lot hanged on the "if", and I'd been uncertain and at the same time, certain of my cellgroup's power.
While I was on the floor, I kept choking, convulsing and twisting around, trying to escape the person praying for me. It was more dramatic than last year, where I just cried for half an hour straight then convulsed and choked for a short while until I felt a deep burden lift from me. The spirits of suffering, sadness and torment had been cast out. This year, albeit much shorter, was a lot more dramatic, and eventually only fear was named and cast out. Later he prayed for inner healing and I went off, enjoying the presence of God.
I do have fears.
I do focus on death.
I do love the dark.
But I had the spirit of fear cast out. I had the reassurance of God after that.
But I dealt with my issues of death when Sher Ling was around to guide and help me.