Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Saturday, September 8, 2007
I re-read my post where I said I was walking away from something. Dream on if you think I'm telling you what I'm walking away from in this post. Only Gary's finding out. Why? Because he asked. So how about if you ask? That depends. But just so you know, you'll find out plenty from this post anyway, so read on.
Anyhoo, after I re-read it, it sounded freaking morbid now that I think of it. Read in a certain context, it fits very well with backsliding, leaving church. Walking away from church because its my right. Geez, who thought it could fit so well into that context? But fact is, I'm not walking away from the faith. It's something else, quite personal, and because of certain people who read my blog, I'm not going to post it up for everyone to read.
But speaking of walking away from church, I've nearly left church three times. Three major occasions where I've almost slipped and walked away from this life forever. It's chilling to think about those incidents. I was reading a few blogs, including two cellgroup leaders, and I saw that many of them struggled this year. Everyone struggles, and if you haven't, just wait, it'll come sooner or later. Reading about their struggles and reminded of my own three incidents, I remember so well how those incidents ended up. When I was faced with thoughts of leaving church, I'd tell a person about it. Only one. This person would be in my cellgroup, and would obviously pray for me, and tell me to pray more, to keep seeking God. They were grateful that I didn't hide my doubts, whilst they worried that I might really leave church after all. So what happened then? Thanks to them, with their prayers and concern, I faced doubt in the eye and made it blink. I walked away feeling even stronger than before, my faith having won a great battle.
But here's the irony of it all... those who helped keep my faith lost their own in the end. Three individuals who helped to keep me from losing my faith in God left church themselves. And I'm going to get really specific by naming them: Kian Hong, Li Sha and Sze Hui. I was reading an article where it said "give credit where credit is due" and I'm giving these three credit. Three times in my journey, I stumbled, and at different times of my journey, these three kept me from falling. But I couldn't do the same for them. Three times I had faltered in my faith briefly, and these three stood in the gap to help me out. But I couldn't do the same for them. Three times, they did more than was expected to keep my life in Christ. But I couldn't do the same for them.
They've changed now. For the worse I'm assuming. Li Sha blocked me on MSN for no reason at all, Sze Hui doesn't acknowledge that she ever knew me, while Kian Hong, still the most decent, friendship-wise, we'll probably never be as close as we once were. I haven't had a thought of leaving church since the early days of E145, and I thank God for that. They've changed now, but their legacy remains in me. Without them, I would have only been in church for barely a year. Without them, I would not have experienced multiplication. Without them, I would not have had the privilege to be in the most united cellgroup in possibly the entire church. Without them, I would have never disbanded into N337. No one in the newer generation would know "Howe" existed. No jokes about floating teeth, no jokes about me invisible in the dark. And that's just about me. Have I affected others positively in church? I hope I have, but then again, I can't outright say I have. Did I make an impression and impact in the five years I've been in church? Maybe, I can't say for sure... only others will know. If I have, without them, I would have never done so much to impact other people's lives. But in my first three years in church, I already faltered three times. Those three times someone helped me while they lost their own faith. I've still got my whole life in front of me, and reading about cellgroup leaders struggling, I'm quite sure sometime in the future I'll struggle too, although how great that struggle is remains to be answered.
And you know what? I'm scared. I can't say it's my fault, but I can't deny the connection either. Once I struggled, one of them helped me, and some time later, they ended up leaving church themselves. I'm afraid that because of my own problems, the next person who helps me will leave church. It's not fair that my issues end up making them leave church. I suppose the best solution, if some time in the future I struggle with my faith, is to keep quiet about it and deal with it myself. I don't want others to be affected. If (and that's a really big IF) somehow I end up leaving church, at least I would not end up affecting someone else's salvation.
Sure I can confidently say that I'll love God forever, that He's my forever, that my faith is strong, that I will never leave church. And you can say it proudly with certainty too.
But those are some of the last words they said before leaving church...