Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Aye... so sorry for the lack of updates. School's just been torture.
Okay, since I know people are going to be wondering why I was so pissed on Thursday, I think I'd just start there.
Wednesday I watched Hitman with Koh Wee, and it was a good movie, well worth it. I went back home and started doing my Flash animation to be passed up the next day. There was also a Visual Basic test, but I focused more on Flash. So I was doing it alright, and began searching online for tips I could add in to make it look better. I found a nice one and did it, forgetting to save my original project. Once I had added in the new feature, I found out that it was supposed to be saved as a .swf file and then imported into another layer on your original project (only Flash junkies will know what I'm saying). Bad thing, 'cause I had erased all my layers to keep the .swf file. But what I didn't know was that I had forgotten to save my original project, and so I couldn't add my .swf file to anything now, 'cause I saved my .swf and you cannot undo saves. Freak, I had stayed up all night till 6am just to do this and now it was all for nothing. I quickly did a messed up job in 5 minutes and it sucked, really.
Went to school, where everyone was looking at each other's Flash animations. I was seriously impressed with their animations, and although my original one could compare, my done-in-5-minute Flash animation just looked like trash beside theirs. Talk about mood spoiler.
Later, we had our VB test. I've always been terrible in VB, and this time, it just culminated even more. I went to sleep for the first half hour then woke up to do my VB. I had no idea what I was doing for half the time and once I saved my solution, I realized I couldn't open it. Heck, I just went back to sleep and passed it up through FTP. Too bad if the teacher can't open it. This just pissed me off even more.
Later, Olivia called me and asked me to have dinner with some of the cellgroup members, before she and Isabel left for Hong Kong. Alright, so I decided to take a 197 and sleep on the way till Bugis. Halfway through, Alzena called me and asked me to accompany her to buy jeans on the spot. Eurgh, besides total inconsideration, I was dead sleepy, and her annoying tone didn't help at all. She was freaking persistent and kept asking me to accompany her for 5 minutes straight. Geez! Talk about dedication to annoyance! I made an effort to end the conversation as fast as possible and when she finally hung up, I had already reached Bugis. So much for sleep.
Once I reached Bugis, I met up with Ashley and we called the other members to find out where they were. No one picked up, so we looked around to see if they were in the area. They were at the fountain, just talking among themselves. If they were busy with feedback, calling the late people or something I'd understand. But they weren't doing anything and couldn't even bother to pick up a phone call. Freak.
After deciding where to eat, they picked the famous wanton noodle place opposite Parco. Seriously, I'm sick of that place. We come all the way to Bugis, just to eat THAT?! Everytime we come to Bugis its always that place. Honestly, I'm sick of it. First, it's expensive and not even filling, and worst of all, they've increased the price. Second, there's nothing much to eat besides the wanton noodles, and it's just boring. When I voiced my displeasure among the cellgroup, no one took notice, even with the freaking obvious hint I was making. Waste of money. While eating, something was going on, and although I knew exactly what was going on, I still asked. 3 of the helpers ignored me, even though I repeatedly asked about the issues. When I spoke up to tell them I knew what was going on, they didn't even hear me. Heck, if I had bothered asking the 4th helper, I'm sure she woulda ignored me too.
Later they went to a dessert cafe. While walking there, I pursued the matter again, although from a different perspective. Ignored once again. Freaks. Seeing how I wasted my money earlier, I just thought to myself to screw dessert and just keep quiet. I didn't want Olivia and Isabel's farewell dinner to end with my bad mood. During the dessert, they talked among themselves and Joshua arrived at last. Olivia kept making her usual black jokes while Candice kept pushing my head, telling me to join in to their game and conversation. Normally it's no big deal, but with all that had happened earlier, their good-hearted humor did something for the first time: Piss me off. I was really about to explode already, so to make sure I kept myself busy, I borrowed Ashley's PSP to keep myself busy playing Tekken 5. They still continued their jokes, and lucky the PSP was there, or I could've just exploded.
Later, they wanted to go study at some place. Hanging around with my cellgroup was just going to make things worse, so I made up my mind to go to the arcade without them. While walking back towards Bugis Junction, one last time I questioned a helper about the issue earlier. I just told him/her outright that I knew what was going on and mentioned something important, to which he/she replied "Good lor." Screw this... I ignored the entire cellgroup and walked all the way to the front, banging into anyone who blocked my way. Even the hawker uncles and aunties moved out of the way when they were carrying food. Sorry.
Once we reached Bugis Junction, I told Jonathan I was going to the arcades and went down, whilst ignoring the rest of the cellgroup before they arrived. Ashley went down with me, thankfully. We played Silent Hill: The Arcade. It was just released weeks earlier and I decided to try it out. Zombies and monsters are surprisingly good to vent out anger at. I lost pretty quickly, 'cause its different from most other shooters. Anyway, during the shooting, whenever something surprised me or hit me, I shot back, but I also shot back profanities. It has been over a year since I have spoken out a vulgar word. But I lost control that day, due to the ignorance of the cellgroup, and released a flurry of them while shooting the monsters. After venting my anger out on the monsters, I did feel much better. At least I didn't scream and yell at my cellgroup. I did it to virtual pixels with a laser gun. I could only imagine if I had lost control in front of my cellgroup...
The next day I had two agendas, either go cycling with my cellgroup at East Coast, which I had agreed to much earlier, or go to Koh Wee's house to play poker with Yao Qi and Hui Fen. Originally, I had planned to go cycling, and then go to Koh Wee's house a little late. I didn't get to make up my mind though, because I dropped to sleep the moment I reached home from Bugis. Seems like anger was still brewing in me, 'cause although I slept at 11+, I woke up at 6. The emotions of yesterday were still brimming in me, and to vent it out, I created a new blogskin. Yeah, sounds funny, but oh well... better than yelling and screaming. I picked seraphs as the theme, because the Hebrew for seraph derives from flaming, fiery serpents. Just as my anger was fiery and burning, so is the seraphim's fire. Only theirs is a holy fire though... so nevermind.
I went online and chatted with one person about the previous days events. It seems that most of the cellgroup knew I was unhappy, but didn't know why. Well, to those sneaks who read my blog just to know what's going on, now you know. To spare them some dignity, I haven't mentioned their names. Well, that's half the reason. The other half is because they read my blog. Anyway, the ignorance of the cellgroup was discussed by us on MSN, and we agreed on pretty much every fact. With that, I made up my mind to screw the cycling and just hang out with Koh Wee and group. Then some people kept asking me to go for the cycling, even though I had told them I had no mood. Obviously, they were puzzled why I had no mood. Except for one helper, the rest had no idea what was going on. I didn't have the heart to tell them they were the reason. So I just kept repeating "no mood" when I was asked why (for over 5 minutes -.-).
I went to Koh Wee's house later on, playing poker. Even though I was trashed completely, I still had a good time. Later on, we went to Junction 8 to eat, and seeing Debbie after so long, also cheered up my mood considerably. Eating such a heavy meal also somehow cheered me up, even though I'm not the kind who eats to feel better. I stayed over in Koh Wee's place, where we ate, watched The Condemned, and scared ourselves badly with a ghost video. I'll mention that in another post...
We woke up the next morning to go play Silent Hill: The Arcade, and got killed around or after the dragon boss. Had a meal at Pastamania before watching The Golden Compass and I went back to pack up things for KL before going to service. It was a great message, and I felt a little guilty after Pastor Kong mentioned issues on the "F" and "S" words, because I had used them considerably in the last few days. Anyway, we had fellowship later on, with half the members, and the ongoing conversation only continued to prove me correct that I was being ignored on Thursday. It shed even more light, as it seems some of them weren't just ignoring, but literally (and I mean really literal) weren't listening to me.
Went back home with Jessica and Ashley on the train. Thank you both very much. And Jessica... well, can't say it here. But, you know anyway.
This entire episode has been unique. I haven't been pissed like this in a really long time. Heck, because of this I finally said a vulgarity after a long time. I was playing basketball at RP two weeks ago, with a new group of Chinese nationals I hadn't seen before. If there's any place to lose control of your language, the court is definitely up there. Nicholas and I played with a freaking violent group of them, and they openly were talking among themselves how both of us were ideal to shove and elbow, even though we weren't playing violently in the first place. I couldn't play well 'cause of their violence and open arrogance, plus I didn't have the chance to warm up. But I did manage to at least burn everyone on the court at least once. When I burned the player who had elbowed Nicholas on the face, used his knee to hit my stomach, and elbowed me in the chest, I nearly flicked up my middle finger when the "chop" sound was made, to add some cockiness. I didn't though, and kept control. While I was staying over at Joshua's place last week, he accidentally squashed my fingers on the door hinge. I almost accidentally said something, but still kept in control.
Yet this incident has pissed me off to an extent I did something I shouldn't have done as a Christian. And wouldn't you know it, Christians were a big part of that. On the Uth-Nited Sentosa outing, it was really fun, and even though my cellgroup didn't win, we enjoyed the games and fellowship, though the cost was a heavy sunburn. I think I can speak for every member when I say we completely enjoyed ourselves that day, getting high on such holy and great fellowship. I was really enjoying myself that day, and the games in the sea and beach afterward just added on to the great atmosphere. Sure, I may have spoiled the mood by getting a leg cramp during a game among ourselves, and having heart problems during the frisbee game finals, but the overwhelming amount of fun overrided that completely. Yet the ignorance I faced with the cellgroup and the school things had overrid my commitments and statutes as a Christian, making me do something I shouldn't have.
Among the cellgroup, we have often spoken about being the greatest cellgroup in GT zone. It's a great vision, and I have been a part of a cellgroup that arguably achieved that before. When we multiplied, I was quite assured in my beliefs that this cellgroup could achieve that, with unity and hard work in the long run. The last few months however, are starting to make me doubt that. This incident, although I'm over it now, is a great stumbling block for that vision. What kinda great cellgroup are we going to be if I'm ignored like this? When we have issues, you tell us that you'll be there to share the burden and stand in the gap. Yet when I ask I'm ignored. If you could handle it so well, that discussed issue would have been over. And that goes for other issues too. E458, our vision is starting to crumble. Hopefully after this Christmas, things will be back on track and we'll continue growing spiritually and in numbers. That may seem naive, but like we learned yesterday, faith is positive. Disappoint again however, and our dream will literally remain a dream.
One year... just as I have said with someone else. One year. After that, if things remain unchanged... well, let's hope you don't find out.