Labour Day today. Spent it at home, to take care of the laundry and clean up the house. Hmmm. I did the laundry part, but I didn't clean the house. No mood to, because I spent most of the day watching movies and practising my chords on the keyboard. Whoopsies? I live in a house, so cleaning it isn't really easy. Except for Karnex, all you reading my blog live in flats! One floor! Damn easy to clean. One floor, pfft. I get two floors, one huge ground floor, and upstairs, with four rooms. Karnex has two floors, but he's got a maid, so there.
Heard that Sun had a concert today. Well, being a little too sudden and me needing to take care of the house, I didn't go. Hmmm. Nevermind, I'll "celebrate" by putting on of her songs on next week as my blog song. English song by the way. Aye, at least it saved me from embarassment from the cellgroup members for four more days. I can imagine their reactions right now...
Oh yeah, I lost my cross necklace. Dang. I knew the necklace was getting loose but I thought I'd fix it next week. Seems like I don't need to worry about that now. Sorry Parry! There's a Christian bookstore in Jurong Point which sells a black cross, but I didn't buy it as I had like four crosses already. At least now I have a decent excuse if I'm asked why I'm getting another cross. Meh, and its black too. Not going to wear my remaining crosses as one is an old one I wore last time, another is big and heavy, you know, those bling bling kinds, and another just makes me look more Satanic; its those stylized crosses with spikes and stuff.
School's back again tomorrow. Time to blog all these posts I've been writing in notepad. Finally.
Chronicled 9:50 PM
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Sunday, April 29, 2007
I don't know whether today was a good or bad day. Lets see, I had everyone insult my hair. Good! Goes to show I'm not the only one agreeing my hair makes me look like an idiot now. Bad thing was, when I reached school, Grace (the girl I've been accused of stalking) saw me. Brilliant! First person you see in school is a pretty girl who you're accused of stalking seeing you with a haircut that makes you look stupid. Argh. Class was good though, plus interesting. Ms Teh is a good teacher (not to mention the prettiest) and friendly. Good thing ITE isn't too deprived.
My last module was PE. And except for that one match before my Emerge soccer, I haven't played basketball since December. Xiang Yin, Yi QUan, Xing Quan and I were the only ones who played in the blistering hot sun, happily getting a tan and a heatstroke. Well, not too bad playing with an absence of half a year. Except my shooting skill is totally gone! Only my layup skill remains, and its still very shaky. Ironic, I'm a good shooter and I lose that skill first, while I'm a novice in layups and I still have a bit of that. Oh well. I won every single match played, whether it was 1v1, 2v1 (me) or 2v2, I didn't lose. Which I'm glad. I had a pretty girl be the first person in school to look at my idiotic hair and I didn't need any more mood spoilers.
Well, so much for no mood spoilers. After school I went off to Causeway Point and walked around again. Quite brief this time. I only spent 15 minutes walking around, and as I was exiting, a bunch of Innova JC people walked past me. I didn't think much, because I was looking down while walking, but suddenly someone from the bunch stopped waving and instead came up and poked me. Guess who? Hui Kai. Meh, she's gotten quite pretty now. I said hi and waved back before we both walked off. Great, one girl who became pretty saw me with the stupid hairstyle. Looks like I got the mood spoiler after all. Man, when I go to church this week, I'm going to have many mood spoilers. Especially when "she" sees it. Oh the horror.
Chronicled 9:49 PM
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Saturday, April 28, 2007
Speaking of mistakes, it was a mistake to cut my hair. I look like an idiot now. Aw man, I can seriously forget about taking a picture with her until my hair grows back. Only my right fringe and my tail were left intact. Aside from that, you'd laugh if you saw it. I hope I don't see Gina and Gillian again. They seem to have a tendency to bump into me whenever I get a haircut.
And I'll put my gothic thoughts on hold for now. Goths look cool. And their hair is a major part of it. I just look like an idiot with this hair. Sobs!
Such a short time before my birthday and I must look stupid. Brilliant way to celebrate my 18th birthday. I know everyone celebrates their 18th (and maybe 21st in this part of the world) birthday in big ways. I just didn't realize mine would be to look stupid. Sorry, let me rephrase that. I just didn't realize mine would be to look oh-so-stupid-that-she'll-never-take-a-picture-with-you-kind-of-stupid. Much better description. *Sigh*, hair grower anyone? What makes hair grow faster? Exploding eggs? (Sorry, only Ling Hui will get that joke)
Hair, hair, hair. I'm suddenly missing it. You should have seen how much hair was on the floor after the haircut. Although I can't say anything about her style, I have to applause the hairstylist for her stamina. My hair was like a sea of black. My lightning rods! I wonder if I'll still have lightning strike near me as often. Hmmm.
Hair grower, hair grower, hair grower.
Eggsplosion!
I hope I won't have a nightmare about hair tonight.
Had a dream last night. Maybe a nightmare. I was the bad guy. Um, a really bad guy. I dreamt I was the Antichrist, giving orders to kill Christians. And I saw a few ways of how my orders were carried out. Yuck. Man, I'm a Christian, the end times are coming, and I get this dream after a week of no nightmares. Unsettling.
Pfft, I'm not the Antichrist okay?
Oh yeah, I also saw the finals of the Dance Floor. Vas and Pris are champions. Well, I don't mind. I was rooting for them or Platinum. I don't see much of the episodes so I can't say who missed out, because I usually watch the first few episodes (where you see people mess up and act like idiots) and the last few episodes (where things get interesting and you see the champions). More talk on dance. Hmmm. I'll hold that thought till my hair grows back.
Chronicled 9:47 PM
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Being grounded, someone asked me what would happen if I sneaked out to go to cellgroup and service. I told her that she definitely didn't want to know. I'm sure she's curious though, I'm sure you all are. What would happen if I sneaked out? Would I get a cut in my allowance? Would I have my passport taken from me? Keep guessing, because I didn't tell her, so don't expect the answer to pop up on my blog. But I said she wouldn't want to know, because it would show a very ugly side to my dad I don't want people to know. There's bad stuff about me I don't want people to know either. I can be honest on some points. Cursing, swearing, fighting. Ah, the bad things I've done. But then what about the the reasons? I said I wouldn't hide anything from people if they asked me. But no one's asked me about this post, so I can still hide what I want. The reasons for doing those things are not so easily shared. Because it'd show a side of me that I don't want people to know. A side of me I wouldn't mind sharing, but would rather not have people know. Your past can change peoples opinions of you. Sure, people say to not care about what others think, and I do that to a certain extent. In fact, I do it quite often. But you'd be the most pathetic liar if you said you didn't care what anyone thinks at all, because everyone does, to varying degrees. We may not let those opinions affect us, but you definitely will care.
And that applies to all of us. A mask we may wear. Almost everyone I see shows a different side to themselves to different people. We show what we want others to think of us. We hide what we don't want others to know about us. I'm a little more honest than most people. Too honest to some. So let me be me. I've gotten a police case, I've attempted suicide, I've tried to set someone on fire (her table too) and I've done a lot of other stuff I'm not proud of. Were those three facts shocking enough? Will knowing I tried to set someone on fire scare you from hanging out with me when there's a barbecue? Just so you know, there was no fire nearby when I attempted that. I had a lighter and some other materials. Which means you're not safe anywhere near me then. How's about that? Will you stop being as honest while being oh-so-considerate and think I'm some emo guy who's cutting his wrists whenever I get personal? Will your opinions of me change because of what I've done before? I show the same side of myself to my friends in church, to my friends in school, to my gangster friends, to my other friends. I'll admit one thing, I tend to use harsher (but non-vulgar) language with people who use harsher language. So although I use harsh language around church friends at times, it is mild compared to what I say to groups of friends who hurl vulgarities like daily bread. Oh, and sometimes when I hit my foot on something really hard, I have a huge tendency to just scold a swear word out loud. Something I used to do last time. But now, I keep quiet while I scold it in my head, 'cause I can't help the thought. Also, when someone scolds me badly, I'll scold them back in real life, really badly, without the use of profanities although in my head I may be using the worst words you've ever heard. I can't help those thoughts either. Now that's probably all I'm hiding. And since I'm blogging it, I guess its not really hidden anymore.
For all those who only ask about my life when something perks your interest, happy with that extra bit of info? I hope it did, after all, only interesting things get your attention. It just amazes me how they never bother about my life at all, but when there's something curious I mention, that I like someone, or when I'm talking about someone in my blog and they want to know who, then they continually ask. Is it any wonder I don't ask about their lives? Its so correct to ask about me, my personal things, but when I ask about yours, you don't say a thing. One of you even argued back and threw away the friendship. After that you apologize, only to throw away the friendship again weeks later. Oh, and you bring in someone else into the picture when you can't win me in an argument (don't worry, you're not the only one). Wow, who'd think friendships could be thrown so easily? I thought only Ice Queen was capable of that. To think "she" likes you amazes me too. I'm not saying I'm better, after all, you win me all the time remember? Plus you've gotten the girl too, so me dissing you with her reading my blog would make me seem like a loser trying to make you sound bad. Nuh uh, not my intention, I'm just honest remember? You've always tried to dig into my personal life, so here's a treat for you. Looks like my openness is something you tried to use to make me tell you about myself while you were busy closing yourself up. You're so handsome, I don't think she'll care. And when she finds out your character (lets hope you treat her better than you did to me) I think she'll like you even more. It sure did the job with the "Morning Star". Look at how both of you ended up.
Yeah, you broke the friendship. Twice. Are you still my friend? Yups, because I've got much worse people I consider as friends. Are you a good friend? To me, no, but to everyone else you're fooling, sure. Are you my brother? A brother in Christ, without a doubt. But MY brother? Nah, forget it. All my real brothers never did this to me. They would never do this to me, nor anyone else they considered brothers. But hey I'll give you credit, you unmasked yourself. You showed me the kind of person you were. Or else I'd just be like everyone else, being fooled 24/7. Thanks for showing yourself for who you really were and giving me a good reminder of who I should trust to begin with. For so long, I thought I knew you. Yet at last you unmasked yourself. As despicable as your actions were for someone I considered a brother, you were honest and unmasked yourself. Nice, join the club, I never hid myself. Intentional (I doubt it) or unintentionally, you unmasked yourself. Kudos, because some people I see will never unmask.
Why am I saying all this? I just watched my newest favourite movie. Lucky Number Slevin. I recommend you watch it. It's about these crime lords who want to have war with each other after a truce is broken and both use a guy who owes them money to do their dirty work. Thing is, they choose a guy who isn't the guy who really owes them money in the first place. But in the very end of the movie, the truth is revealed and nothing is what you expect. The entire movie is full of surprises and I had to watch it twice in a row to fully understand everything. At the very end, the guy used to do the crime lords dirty work shows himself for who he really is. I won't spoil it, you gotta watch the movie to appreciate it and understand it. Brilliant movie, but it reminded me of people in real life wearing masks all the time. How we want others to perceive us. Sure, there is consideration and formality. You won't expect me to treat Bill Gates the same way I treat Joel right? Then again, Bill Gates isn't a gay. Let me rephrase that, you won't expect me to treat Bill Gates the same way I treat Gary right? I'm not gonna tease him and have jokes. I'll be considerate, classy and clean. But lets say Bill Gates celebrated Chinese New Year. Now you wouldn't expect him to give a red packet containing US$2 right? I think you'd expect at least $1000. There's a certain level of expectancy everyone shows from who they are and how they act. Slevin, the main character in the movie, gives off the expectancy he's a loser who owes tons of money until the very end, when you see that he's been acting all along, to hide his true motives and who he really is in the first place.
Amazing, how Slevin planned for twenty years, to get himself acquainted with both crime lords who were unreachable and to get back at them. He did that for a purpose, revenge. I've only personally known two people to wear a mask to have revenge. Most people I see who wear masks is because of their reputation. The guy "she" likes? I had a certain expectancy from him last time. Anything I asked would never be hidden, and he had the same expectancy from me. A done deal, we both hid nothing and hung out very often in many places. Then suddenly when he refuses to tell me something, ah, I think maybe I've hit something too personal, nevermind. But when the ensuing argument (which he started by the way) breaks our friendship (which he threw by the way) and he later comes back to apologize (which I didn't accept by the way), I see how he unmasked himself, willingly, to show what kind of person he was. Maybe he changed, fine. But the fact he's nosing around my personal life just to ask questions to satisfy his curiousity doesn't really show a strong case I've been wrong all along. I know everyone makes mistakes. Making bad choices of brothers is one of mine. I just didn't think I'd make that bad of a mistake.
Chronicled 9:40 PM
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Friday, April 27, 2007
Friday morning was interesting. I was extremely late on purpose because I wanted to sleep an hour longer. Good choice, 'cause school wasn't much to begin with. Anyhoo, on the Kranji MRT platform heading to school, I met Weng Fook and Gwean. Weng Fook still looks the same after six years (sorry, but you do, even your hair is still the same) while Gwean got a major haircut, and I mean MAJOR. Man, when I said hello to Weng Fook I was about to say "Who's your friend?" until she turned around and I took a double take at her (especially her hair) and realized she was Gwean! She's supposed to be cute and sweet. Now besides being cute and sweet she looks like she's got a helmet on her head. No kidding. Durwin had a spiked helmet, Jonathan used to have a shield on his head, and now Gwean's joined the club. She's got a unique look. Very unique. Um, too unique. Sorry. But you still are cute. Something that hasn't changed for the last six years either. Same goes for your height.
After messing up her helmet hair I found out she's transferred from Singapore Polytechnic to Nanyang Polytechnic. From Seldom Pass to Next Year Pass, get the joke? Oh nevermind... this means no more cute-girl-who-messes-up-your-hair to travel with me from Malaysia to Dover MRT now. Aww... I did enjoy the company last year though, having someone to talk with during my long distance trip to school on the mornings I bumped into her.
Went to school to play Counter Strike and check my email and Friendster, plus blogging and checking out other blogs, as I would have no internet during the weekend. After that I took 963 and slept all the way to Woodlands. Slept so bad that the bus uncle woke me up from the bus parking lot. Yikes. Walked around Causeway Point's basement before trying out something. My friend who's a goth says people's heads turn everywhere he walks, because of his walking style, his makeup, his hair and his clothes, all which are primarily black. I was curious, so I tried it out. I went to the washroom and lowered my fringes to the point of covering my eyes and nose more than usual, then I lowered my spikes to make my hair seem less like lightning rods and more like how they were before I lost the bet which made me cut my hair, except with more finesse. Then I went on to make my tail less messy and more noticeable (considering its extremely long for any guy who's got spiked hair, its pretty noticeable already) and styled it. I must have spent 20 minutes in the washroom doing that. Then when I walked out I decided to slow my walking speed, and slow down everything. Turning my head slightly slower, moving my hands slightly slower, moving my legs slightly slower. I also lowered my head so you couldn't really get a good look at me unless you looked closely. Plus with my newly styled hair covering quite a bit, that's quite a feat. I walked out of the washroom and walked up from the basement all the way up to the seventh floor. I turned heads everywhere! Definitely interesting, I mean people give you the occasional glance wherever you go, some people look more closely at you, but to turn almost everyones head wherever you go is very rare (pretty girls ignore that last part, you get stared at wherever you go). Of course for me, having heads turn wasn't exactly positive, I could hear some aunties talking about today's youths with those looking-down-on-you attitudes, another walked past and muttered to his girlfriend "Satanic." Gee thanks, but I was aiming to be gothic.
I just did it for fun, no big deal. But if I want, I can consider being goth in reality, I mean I've already got some reputation with darkness, morbid, death and all. Goth? All I'm missing is the makeup. Hmmm...
After my tenure as a poser for a short whie, I walked around and finished two entire books in Popular before walking off and bumping into Jing Yi. She was checking out VCDs and I was just walking around, so we just talked and I accompanied her while we walked around Causeway Point before heading off our separate ways. It feels like such a short time ago we hated each other, scolded each other in our tagboards and ignored each other before becoming friends later. Interesting how life turns out, right Seong Voon? Anyway, that was years ago, yet it feels like such a short time. Time really flies.
Went back to Malaysia (no unbuttoned girls this time) and walked back home in the rain. Grey clouds, a light rain and walking down that short cut? I loved it. It's a really enjoyable route. Just that atmosphere when I walk through it, just comforts me. I dropped to bed at 6pm since I've been so freaking tired this whole week.
Today I woke up at 5am. Seems like I'm getting a little too used to my weekday internal clock. Went back to sleep and had another dream, involving Jessica. No, nothing of what you perverts are thinking happened in this dream either. Besides, none of you know which Jessica I'm talking about. Anyway, having the dream was weird thing, I don't know why, I never had a thought about her for the last week. My nightmares also seem to have stopped since that peaceful dream last week. I don't mind. Seeing me die in every nightmare I have isn't really peaceful sleep. Plus, when you experience something good you haven't experienced in awhile, you tend to enjoy it more. And face it, I'm sick of dying in all my dreams. Or ending up in a hospital. Being called bandage boy by Isabel in real life doesn't make it any better either. You too Gary.
Well, being grounded, I spent another Saturday having movie mania. This time, the theme was more on dance and music. Save The Last Dance, Save The Last Dance 2, Step Up, American Pie Band Camp, Take The Lead, Shall We Dance. Meh, Debbie asked if I wanted to go learn dance, and I'm watching all these dance movies. It's perking up my interest, especially when I can't dance for crap. I've only danced once in my life. Once! And that was because I was drunk clubbing in DXO. I don't remember how I danced, I was drunk. How do drunk people dance? I don't know, but I saw one pissed drunk pretty girl dancing well. Well, maybe she has skills. I don't. No skill guy dancing when you're drunk. Hmmm, unless I've got hidden talents unleashed by being drunk, I think I (and everyone else) would laugh at me drunk-dancing. Well, I did dance with one girl that time at clubbing, and she didn't laugh. So that's a good sign. Interesting how my first time dancing is when I'm drunk, I'm wearing white, its long sleeved, and its with a really hot girl. Woots?
I'm getting a haircut tomorrow. Let's see if I get a pleasant dream tonight. Or if I get a nightmare involving my hair.
Nitez all. (And yeah, I know thats spelled improperly, "nitez all" is just my trademark)
Chronicled 9:38 PM
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Thursday, April 26, 2007
School's out. So no internet for the weekend, plus I'm still grounded so I can't go to church nor cellgroup.
Oh well, God bless everyone in City Harvest.
And everyone, enjoy your weekend.
I need a haircut.
More movie mania this weekend.
=/
Chronicled 11:15 PM
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Ice Queen popped a conversation on MSN Messenger. First time in months. First time this year she's talking to me. Of course, it wasn't much of a conversation. "Can I have my CDs back?" Gee, I felt like I was slapped or something. If it weren't for the CDs, I doubt we'd talk for the remainder of our lives. One of my new years resolutions is to repair two friendships. I haven't done that yet, but I came up with that resolution with Ice Queen in mind and it'd be great to fulfil half of the resolution with her. I felt like typing "i'll return the cds when we become frens again and ur no longer an ice queen" but I think that was a little harsh, so I just did to her what "she's" been doing recently, and what Ice Queen's been doing to me for the last half of the year, ignore. It works! I'm not the ignoring type, so it feels a little awkward, especially to a former friend who was very close.
Friends don't accuse you of changing when they've changed.
Friends don't talk to you to ask for CDs back while ignoring you for the rest of their lives.
Friends share their lives and secrets with you. (Unfortunately, this refers to more than just Ice Queen)
Friends at least say hi or at least an acknowledgement when you see them. (This one too)
Friends don't become ice queens or frost kings. (If there's such a term)
Friends don't metaphorically slap you in the face.
Friends don't say "wateva" three times in a row as the last words they'll speak. (Unless you got their CDs)
Friends don't throw away three years of friendships in just a few seconds.
Aye, a nice coincidence, as I'm typing this entry, my iTunes is playing the song Ice Queen by Within Temptation.
She doesn't read my blog anyway, so I'll say it here.
Ice Queen, you've got a lot of explaining to do. Lots. And they've got to be better excuses than just accusing me when I've done nothing wrong. I'll return the CDs once we actually become friends again. I'm sure there will be awkwardness, but I'm sure it can work out. Well, thats if you even bother. You tossed our friendship away so easily. Only you and the guy "she" likes have done that before to me, tossing friendships in a matter of seconds, so its quite a rarity. But I hope its not a rarity that you'll want to get a friend back. I certainly do, but then again, I wasn't the one who tossed the friendship and became an ice queen for over half a year.
Man, do you even know I call you Ice Queen? If not, I'm going to be extremely direct.
I've been extremely direct in the last few days. No more Mr Nice Guy. I've refrained from using harsh language and been keeping tabs on my "acid tongue" for so many years. Letting loose is quite refreshing, plus it keeps my scolding technique sharp. No vulgarities or your parents involved for those wondering, just words to make sure you know who you're dealing with. Oh, and they make you cry sometimes. Just ask those special eight people in the last three years.
Chronicled 11:14 PM
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Aye, was quite amazing. I just changed my blog song from "My Healer" to "To Zanarkand".
Before that, I was listening to My Healer in school during lesson time with my earphones. I hummed along and the worship really hit me, during class! After I had finished singing My Healer in my head, my throat was cleared. Immediately, no pain, no nothing at all. Drinking water didn't hurt anymore, and at home eating didn't hurt as well. God is definitely my Healer. Healed in class, humming to worship. Aye, Benny Hinn's anointing is really flowing.
School ended early so I went off to Causeway Point to walk around a bit. It's been a while since I explored everything. Quite a few new shops have opened up, replacing some. Ice Lemon Tea has closed, and so has another shop I never bothered about till I noticed the new shop. About five shops have been replaced.
Went home early since I had nothing better to do. Took the bus fom Bandaraya. While waiting for the bus to go off, three pretty girls came on the bus, and every head turned to look at them. Heck, even people waiting outside for other buses looked through the window to get a good look at them. Well, faces alone won't get that kind of attention. It's what they wore that got everyone's attention. Let's see, the prettiest one was a litte gothic, but light on the makeup, black miniskirt, black spagetti strap, black mini-jacket (whatever you call them). Another one wore a miniskirt with a buttoned shirt, but here's the irony: none of the buttons were buttoned. So you pretty much got a good look at her, uh, you know. The third was the most normal, miniskirt and spagetti strap. The third one sat beside me and the other two sat on the other side of the same row. I was listening to my mp3 player and reading the Bible when I noticed everyone was turning their head, usually everyone does that when someone's been in a car accident or when someone's toe is cut off and bleeding all over the road (I was an eyewitness, so yeah). But when I saw that even people from outside were taking a peek through the windows I looked up and saw those three. Meh, and I had the "honour" of sitting near them. Well, I can't say I mind them sitting near me. The (un)buttoned kept looking my direction, so I hope that's a good sign for me (or maybe she was curious about the guy who's got half his face covered with hair). The gothic one kept looking my direction too, no surprise, goths tend to look at other goths. And I've gained a reputation for that even though I don't consciously act goth, just black, black, more black and hair that covers your face. Eh, thats pretty much what makes up a goth, minus the makeup. So maybe I'm following suit unintentionally.
My dad showed me a shorter route to walk towards the bus stop every morning a few weeks ago but he told me not to walk that way during the night, 'cause except for the homes and the very rare lamp posts, its pitch black, and its beside a big patch of empty land overgrown with grass. Well, I never listen, so I went that route at night. Walking in almost complete darkness with no soul nearby? I love that route, I wish my dad showed me it earlier, at least I would be as late for school so often plus I'd get great ambience while walking home at night.
Oh yeah, I've also been accused of being a stalker in class. You see, there's this pretty girl in IT course also, except another class both in our first and second year. She only knows that I'm in IT course, thats it. However, I know a little more on her... like she's been with her boyfriend for the last seven years, and he's in army now, while she's still studying. She's from Unity Secondary, lives in Yew Tee area, and the route to her house has no shelter, plus she's studied in CHEC before. She went on from secondary 5 to take her private O levels. I knew all this before I added her in Friendster (which was restricted but I still managed to get the contacts to add her) and got her phone number. Sorry, I was just curious?
Told you, I know much more than I should about people. Saw a cute girl back in Marsiling Secondary, in the end I managed to get her number, contacts and everything and became friends after finding out a lot more info. Pfft, I even introduced her to her current boyfriend.
Yeah, quite a few people don't like to tell me things, and the only reason I can think of is because they don't trust me. Nevermind, all it does is show me how you take me as while I'll find out sooner or later what you're hiding. I'll find out, just like how I know "she" likes him and wants to know him better before getting together. The only thing I need to find out now is why she's ignoring army man and me.
I'll find out, sooner or later. I have a feeling I'll find out later on this one. After all, I'm being ignored in real life. Not even a hi, *sigh*, not even a simple tag when she says she will, *sigh*, okay, I feel like I'm accusing her. She's only ignoring me and army man, but she's a great person who's strong in God and pretty. She's a really good person who's charismatic, funny and simply, just a great girl.
Chronicled 11:08 PM
e l e g y
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Aye, second week of school.
Been an interesting week so far.
Monday on the way back met Lip Hai and Jessica at Singapore checkpoint. Jessica's studying in Singapore now... her reason? Because Lip Hai is studying there. Romantic eh? Study in another country for your boyfriend. I had a girlfriend in Singapore last time, imagine that. Nevermind...
Tuesday met Joycelyn and Yi Xing. Another couple, haha... chatted with Joycelyn for the whole time while ignoring Yi Xing. Sorry dude. Caught up a lot, and well, I've got plans in May now at least.
Yesterday had keyboarding lessons at Bugis again. Class ended early and I went to Andrew's house first before heading off to Bugis. Met up with Koh Wee where he treated me Burger King. Aye, I owe him a lot. In keyboarding everyone messed up, so at least I'm not alone. It was really difficult last week. This week's assignment is slightly easier. "Tong Hua". Finally a song I know. There was another one a few weeks ago by Stefanie Sun. "Tian Hei Hei". I prefer "hey hey".
Today was a terrible morning. I've been sick for the last few weeks but today it worsened. My throat was so sore that breathing hurt. Drinking water was like shoving lead down my throat. Yucks, my throat was in freaking pain and I had a headache from the time I woke up till now. Ouch. I don't think I can eat today. If drinking water hurts like mad, I can't imagine food.
Headache, throatache, stomachache, heartache. This aches.
Been hanging out with so many couples this week. Man, it just makes me feel a little weird. I'm always around couples, but when you're in a heartache, you start to be a little annoyed at how happy they are. Sure, no relationship is lovey dovey all the way, but the fact you're with someone you love is well worth it.
Of course, I can forget about it for now. She likes him, he likes her, its like being in the midst of another couple. Except this time the girl is the one you like. Ouch. Well, I can't do anything about her feelings, its her emotions. But the fact I don't even get a hi from her hurts. Not even a tag when she promised one. Haha. Oh well. I suppose a picture would be too much to ask for then.
Chronicled 10:33 PM
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Saturday, April 21, 2007
Man, I woke up at 8am again today. But I slept at 3am this time, which makes it kind of weird.
Well, it's the first time in about a month I didn't have nightmare. Instead, I had a pleasant dream. I was on a beach playing around with someone I liked, then it forwarded to me and her in Dover ITE (???) where I was chatting with her in the canteen. Then it flashed to me and her in a place, a secret place on an island back in Canada which I discovered when I went there last time, and more talking. Then it flashed to me and her about to go to sleep, she was on the top bunk and I was on the bottom bunk. Something happened after that... which I'm not going to say. But for all you perverts, nothing of what you're thinking happened. But the strange thing was, I've never seen this person before, yet unlike most of my nightmares or dreams where I can't remember faces of people I haven't met yet, her face is still clear in my head now. Hmmm.
Watched some movies again today, and was supposed to have a haircut, but seems like my dad forgot about it. I don't know whether I should be thankful. I want to cut my hair because although my spikes still stand like lightning rods, they aren't as nice as they should, because I'm using gel instead of my wax, which my dad refused to buy. Craps. So the easiest method is to get a haircut, so I don't look so bad when I use gel with shorter hair. Besides, it gives me an excuse to buy wax after I cut my hair. But then again, usually he prefers Indian barbers, which only have one style to begin with. And I'd rather have overgrown hair than let Indian barbers ruin my lightning rods. I'm not being racist, that goes for Malay and Chinese barbers too. If you're an Indian or Malay hairstylist (I'll be honest, I've only seen two so far), then I won't mind.
I just realized that I'm missing many songs from church, which I don't have. So I took some of the free CDs and DVDs they gave and ripped some more songs. I've got around 90 City Harvest songs now anyway, won't hurt to have some more.
I also cleaned up my room for the first time since Chinese New Year. Gee, my room is so freaking clean that I'm not used to it. My room is the messiest in the house, but usually the cleanest and easiest to find things. Don't ask me, I just know where to find things when they're in a mess. It's when its clean I can't find anything. I also put back some posters in my room that were loose. Three Jolin posters, the Apostle's Creed, the Lord's Prayer, Black Eyed Peas. Was supposed to have more posters, but when we moved, some moron threw away the 20 posters in my old home.
School's on the next day. The second week. Aye, school is really tiring. 8am or 9am to 6pm everyday except Friday. Nuts.
Oh yeah, if you're wondering why posts for the weekend suddenly popped up when there were none actually written on the days themselves, I typed them in notepad at home and just pasted them in Blogger in school, since my internet has been cut at home. See? Such a faithful blogger, even no internet doesn't stop me from making posts for my dear readers.
Bleah.
Chronicled 11:17 PM
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Friday, April 20, 2007
Aye, my first weekend with me not going to church or cellgroup in quite a while.
Because I was grounded... *sigh*
Oh well, it was also the first time in a year or so that I naturally woke up at 8am in the morning.
Maybe it was due to me being so bloody tired from the previous day. I dropped off to bed at 7pm. Yikes, I haven't slept that early in at least a decade.
School yesterday was brilliant you know. Was late for class, and when I entered the first thing I heard was "Terrorists win!". You see, on Thursday the final module was purely Counter Strike for 3 hours. Then when I arrived in school, another repeat of Counter Strike. Class was supposed to be 4 hours, but the teacher didn't want us to play Counter Strike for the entire 4 hours we'd be in school, so he told us to go off early. Oh well, that gave us more time to go off to play pool at Bukit Timah. Meh.
Went to IRC's pool centre instead of the one in Bukit Timah Plaza. Another brilliant place, they allow you to play LAN and pool in school uniforms. Shoulda knew this kinda place existed back in secondary school, then I wouldn't need to... Uh, nevermind. Xiang Yin, Xing Quan, Jie Ren, Qin Sheng, Yi Quan and I were the ones playing pool on two tables and it was quite an interesting experience, playing pool after an absence of over half a year. I lost my first two matches, but after that I was scorching hot and beat everyone who I played with, with the exception of Jie Ren, who was trashing everyone who played with him, aye.
And Isabel, you still owe me a real pool match after trashing me in Yahoo! pool.
Debbie, you too. You mentioned pool quite a few months back. Okay, More than a few months back, ahem.
Anyhoo, due to me being grounded, I stayed at home and watched movies all day long on my laptop. Resident Evil and Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Click, The Fast and the Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, The Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift, Bruce Almighty, The Exorcist, Night At the Museum, Shanghai Noon, Shanghai Knights, The Tuxedo. Man, it's so nice to have 60 movies in your external hard drive. Thanks to Nicholas, Karnex and Min Kuan, who I stole all the movies from.
Today is April 21st, which also happens to be Koeh Yin Ying's birthday. For those who don't know, she was my Chinese teacher back in secondary school during my upper secondary years. She's the reason I was able to pass my Chinese, because she stayed back nearly everyday after school to help me out in my Chinese. With any teacher except my favourite 7, I'd find any reason to skip extra lessons, but hey being my favourite teacher and the prettiest in the school, I made sure I was punctual (and extra early at times, just to have a longer lesson). I have to be honest, I'm about as obssessed with her as I am with Jolin. Hmmm.
Was intending to buy her a present, like I did when I graduated, but considering how my dad is practically killing off my allowance I've been quite broke for the last 3 weeks. So I thought I'd give her a phone call to wish her happy birthday instead, and my dad would pay for the birthday present (for those who don't get that joke, it means the phone bills).
My intended five minute birthday wish turned out to be a three hour talk instead. Had a great time talking with her after not seeing her in two months. After brief wishes for her birthday, we chatted about a lot of stuff, really deep stuff. School and the likes of course, she being a teacher and all. I managed to find out her opinions about teaching, which teacher she likes and dislikes, which class she hates, that she likes my generation best (yay!) and a lot of other school-related things. Dude, I even found out about her wedding, who she invited, who she didn't invite, how her busband (which is a I-don't-like-but-not-going-to-scold-because-he's-her-husband kind of person) proposed to her, primary school, secondary school, junior college, university, courses, subjects, instrumental lessons, her interests in acting, her home and school life, her parents, her in-laws, her niece, her sister, her ex-boyfriends in tertiary times, and best of all, where she lives. I know it seems like obessession and all, but now thats what I call a deep friendship (with a teacher of all people) alright. Oh man, I may miss Charlotte, but I miss Yin Ying more! I don't care if she's Mrs Wong now, that is just so yucks, and I don't like Mdm Koeh either. She's still Ms Koeh to me!
Regardless, it's been refreshing weekend. Been really personal with a lot of people in the last three weeks, and I'm really thankful for that. Getting reconnected with my closer friends and all. At least it keeps me from being emotionally dead, which I apologize if I have been to anyone due to, um, recent events involving my personal life. Being personal with a few of my closer friends has also cheered me up considerably, though I think it might take a while longer to get me out of this depression. It's been two years since I've been depressed and experiencing it after such a long time feels weird, not to mention painful. I'm in physical pain, emotional pain, and been very sick for the last two weeks. I'm no stranger to physical pain, after all it's inevitable when you play sports. I haven't been sick in close to a year. But experiencing a heartache after two years is quite painful, especially when you see her every week, plus when the guy she likes shoves it in your face (unintentionally) that he's won and that he's got the girl. Gee whiz.
I know she's been getting personal with him too. Both of them know they like each other, both are open to a relationship, both can be seen more smitten very obviously, and although I'm purely guessing on this, I'm quite sure they would like to know each other better before they actually do get together, just like most couples do in church. And one thing I've seen in nearly every single couple that gets together in church: they won't break up. Aye, to think that I'd get her was just wishful thinking. Now that I think of it, it's like everyone was against it. Let's see... I had people gossiping about it behind my back for months before I found out, I had higher status people make their stand and make sure I didn't get close to her behind my back, I had that same person try to help out that guy being ignored by her right now behind the scenes, someone else had that same person put him down while saying she'd introduce other guys for the girl he liked. Ouch.
Chronicled 11:16 PM
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I mentioned about assumptions in my previous post. Well, they're quite similar to wrong impressions, and are practically the same when it comes to wrong assumptions. Anyhoo, I thought I'd provide some pictures and see what impressions you get, some may be wrong, some may be right, I'll let you guess.
Take a guess, am I saying grace? Am I talking about sandwiches? Am I talking about something else before we eat? This is a minor one... I'll get more, eh, provoking pictures later.
Here's one really provoking one for me alright. Guess what's happening. Gay!
Well, I'm not trying to be pervertic, but I'll let you guess what that ghost girl in the front is grabbing for. Seong Voon pointed that out on first sight. He's deprived, as always.
If you've watched Titanic, I think you'll get what's happening here. First Brokeback Mountain and now this... What will they think of next?
No comments, I think you can see what's up. Eurgh.
Well, well, well, what does this look like? Hanky panky?
Here's my mom's cousin's wife's child. Eh, Is that right? So I guess that makes her my cousin. She's cute huh? Just look at her slightly mohawk hair. It's natural you know! Finally, someone who can compare with me on spikes on your head. And it's a cute baby of all people. Meh, I need a haircut soon, my hair is getting way too long.
Well, I hope those pictures made an impression on you. Whether you get a wrong impression or the right impression (that just sounds weird) doesn't matter. This post is just meant to humour. I was thinking of putting a certain picture of Jasmine and Olivia here, which I'd think would get the ultimate wrong impression. But well, that picture is just scary, and I think it'd scare everyone off my blog.
Chronicled 10:35 AM
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Thursday, April 19, 2007
I hate assumptions, especially when they're about me. (Duh)
To you, I know I'm not as spiritually mature as my cellgroup leader, but saying that I can't make it ticks me off. You may be a Bible school graduate, but I'll gladly compare knowledge on everything in Christendom, spirituality included. You'd be surprised how much a "cannot make it" guy knows.
To you, just because your friend did the right thing doesn't give you the right to be unhappy when you were doing wrong to me the whole time.
To you guys who criticized my intelligence back in secondary school. Telling me to quit school because I came to school to sleep, because I wouldn't pass my exams. Aye, I slept in class all the time and got better results than you. I topped every subject except Chinese and math at least once. Yeah, speak for yourself, I slack all the way and do better than you when you study so hard. Go figure.
To you guys who criticized my basketball skills. I'm no Michael Jordan, not Steve Nash, nor am I close to ever going to the national team. But the fact I've defeated the Yishun legend and beaten all of you before should shut up your mouth, but it doesn't. Oh, the ego you guys have.
It's like people never see me for what I can do or am capable of. Everytime there's something, someone else is the better person to do it, don't let Howe do it. Don't even give him the chance. Everytime I do good, its as though no one notices. I don't want attention, because I get plenty of that already, negative and positive. But what I want is at least people to know I'm able to do something, instead of them passing it off from me because they think I can't do anything. I don't want people to congratulate me for doing something good, that would just be weird, but at least people know themselves that at least I'm not as incapable and immature as they think. They don't need to say it out, but the fact they're saying otherwise out loud is as good enough proof I need to know they don't think like that.
Everytime, its always the atheists and unbelievers who see what I'm capable of doing, not my fellow believers. Everytime, its those backsliders and people who hate me (no kidding) who see that I'm better than they assumed, but not my fellow believers. Its as though it takes an atheist to appreciate my faith. Several times, my brethren in Christ don't give me the benefit of the doubt as much as unbelievers. Most of the time, unbelievers trust me more than most of the Christians I know.
Suddenly I find God's command to love everyone quite difficult. But I'll still do it, because He does. No wonder salvation is a greater miracle than healing. Just imagine the love you gotta have. Especially for those kind of people. To finish off, here's a famous quote: With friends like these, who needs enemies?
Chronicled 10:33 PM
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School's just started on Monday, and it's been quite alright. First of all I've graduated from IT1C to IT2Q, a multimedia class. Whew, looks like my portfolio paid off. Though Tiffany got scared by my scary dog picture. I put an extra button which said "Don't Click Me!" and which would lead to a picture of a very scary dog. I know people will always click when you tell them not to. Just like how people always push the door whenever it says pull, and vice versa. Not my fault.
Seems like Benny Hinn's anointing is flowing powerfully on me. On Monday I was sitting on the bus, which was quite packed. Three separate people fell on me, all trying to move to the back. First was an uncle who fell on me. Eurgh. Second a pretty girl fell on my lap. Much better. Third a prettier girl in a miniskirt fell on my lap. Best.
Today a person collapsed in the checkpoint. Don't know what happened. He was groggy while lining up, then collapsed later on. Hmmm.
Been getting to know my newer classmates also. Most of the class is from IT1C, while I've got some new classmates. A Jack Black, a new porn addict, and one new girl to replace Yao Yang who went to poly. Crap, no pretty girls in class now. The first years have much more girls this year than our generation. Crap, shoulda been retained. Kidding.
Cedric Koh, Biondi, Sze Min, Doubin, Ridzwan and Lee Tong also joined my school as first years while Wei Jie and Johnson have graduated. I'm wondering who else has come in. Been seeing a lot of familiar faces too. Zhong Lin in Malaysia, Kai Sin in checkpoint, Adam at Dover MRT station. Zhong Lin and Adam still freaking handsome.
My internet connection at home has mysteriously been cut. Don't know what happened, so I'm blogging at school. Got two new modules. Computer animation, which involves 3D modeling and designing, and entrepreneurship, which teaches us about business and good leadership skills and such. There was one guy who did a gothic death-and-darkness restaurant business idea and scored well for it. Looks like I don't need to worry about whether teachers accept gothic ideas. Goodie goodie.
Went to Isabel's and Olivia's house on Tuesday to begin the sketches on the cellgroup t-shirt. Had to install Photoshop CS2 on their computer, which can't seem to take it. Gee, what a lousy computer. Talked with Olivia about a lot of things, and a lot of realities popped up. I'm quite worried. Though I can't do anything about it. *sigh*
Had keyboarding lessons at Bugis yesterday. Getting to know the classmates much better. Though the lessons are getting much more confusing now, but much more interesting too. There's actually real music being played instead now. At least I get to practice at home now. Kudos to Hui Zhen for that.
And one more thing, you know who you are, snore snore.
Chronicled 12:23 AM
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Tuesday, April 17, 2007
On Saturday we were promised triple anointing.
Promises sure are kept. Most of the time... nevermind.
The conference on Sunday began at 4pm and ended at nearly 9.
Imagine a 5 hour service. Extremely powerful again.
This time the people who came to be healed were given more time to give testimonies.
This time choir got what they always got, except in higher doses. Aye, holy laughter anyone?
The focus was more on international aspects. Mainland Chinese, Indians, Sri Lankans, Malaysians.
God is really opening up the doors, and it was really touching to see how these people really loved God and yearned for more in their country.
I went down when they called for the Malaysians. Heck, who cares if I'm from Canada, I am half Malaysian and I wanted the anointing. On Saturday I fell because I just collapsed on my legs. This time I actually felt something (Someone) push me back, I couldn't physically feel it but I just felt a push, and I fell on the stadium stairs with no pain at all. No pain also when three people in front of me fell atop of me. Thank God for that. And I thank God for this experience too.
Two years ago when Benny Hinn came I didn't fall down even once, although the presence of God was thick. Maybe I wasn't flowing in the Spirit or wasn't as mature in Christ as I thought I was. Doesn't matter, I felt it this time. Benny Hinn's preaching style has changed a lot. Much more humourous and very life inspiring with all his stories and experiences, plus the way he interprets the verses in the Bible really opens your eyes to what they mean when you look deeper. Amazing anointing on him.
A few other things of notice during the last 3 days conference with Benny Hinn:
Saw Charlotte again in the Saturday service and I chatted with her for over an hour. Aye, I miss her greatly. One of my closest friends in church, and I haven't seen her in ages. It was great catching up with her, finding out how life has been with her. The way we chatted was as though she hadn't left at all, and I do miss her presence in the zone greatly. She did great things for which ever cellgroup she was in and always sacrificed so much for all the members. Thanks a lot for everything you've done. I miss you so much.
I saw "her" on all three days of the conference. Everyone with her said hi to me, and she barely batted an eye. I'm not desperate to have people say hi to me, but well, considering the fact that everyone said hi while she completely ignored me, aye, just felt bad. Not to mention she said hi to practically everyone else. I mean of all people to ignore me, it has to be her... *sigh*. I know "he's" getting all the attention from her. Oh well, to so called cheer me up, seems like I'm not the only one being ignored either, right army man?
My first time going to Geylang after hearing so much about it. My previous post mentioned it.
Oh yes, because it ended at 9pm, I reached home at 11pm. And promptly got grounded. Again. This is freaking annoying.
I think thats about it for the conference. A brilliant time indeed. Amen.
Chronicled 11:14 PM
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Saturday, April 14, 2007
We were told in the previous service to get ready.
We were ready today.
Super powerful service today. Although Benny Hinn came for a healing crusade, today healing wasn't really a major thing. Although the amount of empty wheelchairs and people being healed from cancer was phenomenal today, it wasn't really their day.
Today was our day.
He preached about God and how we needed to put Him first in our lives. Plus a few stories of how true it actually was. Finances, problems, enemies. Everything to God. The focus wasn't on healing and messages though. The main thing, was an encounter with God.
You know when people fall down under the power of God? It's called slain in the spirit. I don't know how they came up with that name, and some people even find it offensive, because God is not slaying your spirit, but its just that you're falling under the power and presence of God. Regardless of the name, and how it sounds when we're describing it, we know it to be true and holy, its just tremendous. However, being slain in the spirit today was huge.
We were told to get ready the night before and indeed we were ready today.
A thing to note: the choir is usually the one that gets blessed first, in every place, wherever he goes. But today he turned to my side first, said that he felt a strong anointing on my side, and slayed us in the spirit first. How do you fall? Some people feel a strong wind push them back, but for me my legs just weakened to a state where I just dropped. And I didn't even care where I dropped for that matter. Everyone just fell. Powerful. I was feeling a "buzz" while I was on the floor. Like electricity flowing through, mild but powerful.
He went on to bless the choir and slay them in the spirit, then went on to the other terraces. I didn't see after the choir fell, because I was already on the floor. Powerful, powerful, powerful. Super powerful. My legs jus faltered and I fell, straight to the floor.
Other miracles include: Entire choir slain in the spirit, holy laughter and deliverance.
People laughing so much in God's presence, demons and spirits being cast out because of the overwhelming presence of God, people falling everywhere because of Benny Hinn and Pastor Kong's anointing, flowing so powerfully from God.
I don't see how so many people can deny God exists when people in wheelchairs walk right in front of them. I don't see how Christians themselves can deny miracles when demons are cast out and people scream when demons manisfest. I don't see how anyone can deny God slays us in the spirit when we fall and know it to be true. It is a holy thing, the Bible describes many events where people fell, yet some Christians deny it. Falling under the presence of God. Aye, so powerful.
Benny Hinn made people fall three times. I fell the first two times, by just collapsing under the presence of God. Third time I didn't fall, but my legs were super weak anyway. The presence of God was thick. Thick to an extent you just feel God surrounding you on all sides and you can barely care where you fall, how you fall and in some cases, who you fall on.
Amazing, my God.
People not in the auditorium also felt the presence.
Simply, God is amazing.
Benny Hinn is a very anointed vessel of the Lord.
Pastor Kong's future? I think we saw a flash of his future. A very powerful one.
Sunday's the final day. Triple anointing.
Three times the miracles, three times the presence, three times the power of God.
Open up your heart, be sensitive to the Spirit.
But above all, be ready.
Chronicled 2:01 PM
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Friday, April 13, 2007
Today many unique things happened.
First of all, it was pouring in Johor Bahru, and everyone knows I need to walk half an hour just to reach the nearest bus stop. In the pouring rain, that drags my walking time. Not to mention it was a terrible thunderstorm, so lightning kept flashing nearby me. And I mean everytime. Walk here, *FLASH* *THUNDER*, walk there *FLASH AGAIN* *THUNDER AGAIN*. And it was always within 100 metres of me everytime. I know my hair may be spiky, and I know I may have a lot of spikes on my hair, but that doesn't mean they're lightning rods.
Later on, when the MRT had arrived, I always have a tendency to cross that yellow line they tell you not to cross. Although I do this almost everyday when I'm alone, today was the first time the train driver horned at me.
Freak. Super loud.
I mean I may be depressed, but that doesn't mean I'm going to end my life. I've got something to live for, Christ. I'm not that me four years back. Besides, even if I was feeling suicidal, MRT is so pathetic. Quit worrying, I'm not going to continue the trend of suicide on MRTs. Aside from making people late (I ended up late for church one week because the guy had jumped off a mere 15 minutes before I got on the train), I get my body mashed by a train, I get electrocuted and have my hair standing even more than usual. Not to mention I'll be blacker than I am now and will smell quite "toasty". I gave a cocky smile and even waved at the driver when he passed by. I could hear the bystanders muttering something behind me. No surprise, typical Singaporeans.
Parry, Si Shan, Olivia and I lined up for the Benny Hinn healing service at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. During that time, I saw a picture which is going to give me nightmares for the next few nights. Eurgh. Plus, I took my first self portrait of the year. Kind of. I had two "photographers" happily snapping a picture of me with that finger pose everyone seems to give. It's my first time doing it. Felt weird doing it. The only pictures I'll ever take willingly are with Ms Koeh and her. Ms Koeh's pictures are done, so I'm only left with her's. But she doesn't want to take pictures with me, so I can just continue to dream on. But she hasn't seen how cute I looked in my baby pictures. Maybe that can entice her to take a picture with me, by letting her imagine the cute baby me while scolding herself in her head for taking a picture with a guy who's got lightning rods as his hair.
The line up was extremely mild today. I didn't mind, my point is to get in the stadium, not be awed at how long the queue is and risk being rejected entry because of capacity limits. Benny Hinn gave an altar call, offering and healing session. The service lasted for three and a half hours. A great message on us really needing God because of our sins. On how far we are from righteousness. On how much we need God's forgiveness and His healing. Speaking of healing, there was no shortage of miracles today. There was a row of at least seven empty wheelchairs from the people who had once used them. Many came up and on and on, gave testimony's of how they were healed. Nothing short of what God loves to do. Candice went down for altar call too. Be blessed in the house of God, yeah? Salvation is a greater miracle than healing.
Went to Gayland (sorry, I meant Geylang) to eat some famous beef noodles. Along with Cedric Kang, Parry, Jessica, and Eleanore and Juswin. My first time entering Geylang. I hear so much about it, pass by it in buses and cabs so often but never been in there before. And well, my eyes can testify the amount of prostitutes we saw. One night stand hotels abounded, like Secret Affair, Hotel 81 with the word JOY written under it. Yikes. Whie we walked around, we saw some eye candy, yes, but a turn off no less. But I'm in no position to judge them, after all, even Jesus welcomed prostitutes and forgave their sins. I'm just curious how they looked 2000 years ago.
Nothing short of new things today.
The only thing missing is a picture with her!
Better show off my baby picture to her soon.
Hmmm... Dang, I'm so cute 17 years ago.
Chronicled 3:59 PM
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Thursday, April 12, 2007
Oh yes, one more thing. Two actually.
I've changed my blog song, because too many people said it was scaring them. One person even said putting in my picture would make it the scariest blog alive. Gee, thanks dufus.
Not to mention the amount of views on my blog suddenly didn't increase when I put the backmasked song.
When I changed to this song, the numbers started increasing again. Hmmm.
My Jesus, You're broken for all my pain.
My Healer, by Your stripes, I'm whole again.
One of my favourite songs of all time.
Secondly, I've decided to link my song blog, Spirits of Lyrics.
Every song I've ever written is in there.
At long last, I'm showing it.
Sort of.
Take a look, if you can.
Chronicled 1:37 PM
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That heart break post mentioned something about being inflated about your self esteem. Proud in other words. So let me be proud today and show you how nice my laptop is. A few screenshots to show off what my computer contains. You'll needa click on the pictures to see them clearly though.
A Yahoo! Pool match where Isabel was trashing me, and the downloading of GunBound, courtesy of Joshua. Note the taskbar looks so much nicer than all of yours! It's white-ish, with a very cool Windows logo instead of "Start". Sorry, I'm just supposed to be proud remember?
Another screenshot of our Yahoo! Pool match. This time I've put iTunes in the background, just to show off that I have over 700 songs. Do any of you have that many songs? Is that proud enough?
Here's a screenshot of my Windows Live Messenger groups. Guess which one you're in. That's if you can find out the meanings of my groups to begin with. Simple english you know. In the background is just the first navigation of my blog a few days ago. Showing off that I have 1722 views in the last few months when I put that counter there. Oh yeah, on the top is the Dock. Pops up on mouseover and lets you access the usual things, except they have better icons, it's in a more convenient place and it just looks cool. None of you have it right?
Showing off the things that are on my Start menu, which looks so much better than all of yours. My background is my new blog template. Though my focus is on the Start menu. Do any of you have so much powerful software?
I can't brag much here. It's just a screenshot of my new blog template. Well, I can brag actually. Can any of you edit HTML so well until you can alter the navigations themselves? Didn't think so!
A screenshot of chatting with Seong Voon and Cedric. But in the foreground, is my C: Drive. Take a look at my icons. So nice. None of yours look like them! And my notepad icons. They look so much more classy than any of yours. I can also change my folder colours, which explains the blue and green folders. There's still five other colours to pick from. Wicked! And none of you have them!
A screenshot of some of my chat logs on Windows Live Messenger. And because I have Dreamweaver, none of you have the same icons of the chat logs! The rest of you have this boring paper with a badly designed earth on it. Aye, it does add a fresh look, with Dreamweaver. In the background I'm playing Yahoo! Graffiti. I bet none of you even know what game that is! Tsk tsk, all playing Yahoo! Pool and losing to me. With the exception of Isabel and Hui Zhen, two professionals who have very special ways of winning me. Oh, and they like to lie also.
I think that's enough of bragging. But hey, if people aren't going to trust me when I've done nothing wrong, I might as well give them an excuse to not trust me: Being cocky.
Chronicled 12:36 PM
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Trust.
Aye, I thought I settled on the issue of trust a few weeks ago.
Well, it is settled. But I've just found out that many people I trust don't trust me at all.
Yikes, what a revelation.
With the exception of Joel, I haven't done any spreading of secrets. And that was two years ago. Not to mention the whole school knew already.
Hmmm.. makes me wonder, what have I done wrong?
Have I done something to make you not trust me? All of you?
I don't know, I can't remember. Care to refresh my memory of me doing something that makes you not trust me? Maybe I backstabbed you, maybe I kill stealed you, maybe I headshotted you. Sorry, gaming a bit too much.
Strange. I trust them. They don't trust me. Ah well, being surprised on the issue isn't going to change anything.
And please, don't assume again. I don't hate any of them. I'm just lost.
I mean if I ask something too personal, fine, say so.
If I ask something that hurts to tell, fine, tell me that.
But the way all of you respond is like shoving "I don't trust you" in my face.
People you trust don't trust you... hmm, someone better tell me what I've done wrong.
Chronicled 8:56 AM
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007
I've just been reading up on heartaches.
Quite interesting what the facts say. I didn't think it was true at first.
Though experience and reliable articles kind of changed my mind.
Let's take a look...
Love sickness has historically been viewed as a mental illness brought on by the intense changes associated with falling in love.
Mental illness? Crap, that means I'm mental now?
This diagnosis has been out of favor since the collapse of the humoral model and advent of modern scientific psychiatry.
Whew, okay, so not anymore, in this time and age.
However, the ups and downs of love sickness may actually have diagnostic similarities with mental illness.
Gee whiz. Brilliant, so I am insane.
People who find the feeling of love too intense may experience "love sickness", with feelings of anxiety and can have symptoms of mania, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), inflated self esteem and depression.
More proof I'm insane.
A study in The Psychologist, the official publication for the British Psychological Society, concluded that love sickness should be taken more seriously by professionals. According to the author of the study, Frank Tallis, "Many people are referred for help who cannot cope with the intensity of love, have been destabilised by falling in love, or suffer on account of their love being unrequited".
I haven't been referred to help yet, so am I still mental?
Some of the symptom clusters shared with love sickness include:
Mania – abnormally elevated mood, inflated self esteem, extravagant gift giving Depression – tearfulness, insomnia, loss of concentration OCD – preoccupation, checking (e.g. text messages/emails, etc.), and hoarding valueless but superstitiously resonant items Psychologically created physical symptoms, such as upset stomach, change in appetite, insomnia, dizziness, and confusion.
Okay, I have all the symptoms except mania. So I guess that answers my question of whether I'm mental.
And there's still more...
Unrequited love is love that is not reciprocated, even though reciprocation is usually deeply desired. This can lead to feelings such as depression, anxiety, and mood swings such as swift changes between depression and euphoria.
*Nods head* I'm still mental.
I read through Readers Digest too, and surprisingly in the February issue, there one one part talking about heartaches. How ironic.
I can't plagiarize, so here's the rundown...
Heartaches put emotional stress on the heart, comparable to a heart attack.
Yikes, so I'm having an emotional heart attack?
Heart attacks are physical and chemical, which leads to more fatalities.
Heartaches are psychological and chemical.
There are no documented cases of humans dying of heartaches.
Good, so I'll surely live.
However, it is widely believed that heartaches can affect a persons health, up to the point of death.
So much for living...
Heartaches are well known to affect a persons immune system. Leaving them more susceptible to viruses and illnesses.
Maybe that explains why I'm sick like hell. *Cough cough*
And I'm not kidding, I really am sick. *Sneeze*
Been dead sick since my depression, so I'm living proof.
That means I'm insane and mental, I'm having a chemical and psychological heart attack and I'll fall sick easily.
Wow! Talk about multi-tasking.
Chronicled 4:16 PM
e l e g y
Depression makes you do weird things.
I just did some backmasking to see what hidden messages I could find.
You'd be surprised.
Play the song Stairway to Heaven backwards and you'll get something that is a Satanic song in its entirety.
Play the line from Pokemon's "Gotta catch 'em all!" backwards and you'll get a creepy rendition of "I love Satan!"
The song Hotel California is obviously talking about the First Church of Satan in California. They originally bought the land under the name of the Hotel California. Not to mention if you play it backwards, most of the song is about Satanic messages again.
On a side note, not everything is Satanic. Play Britney Spears' famous line "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and you'll get "Sleep with me I'm not too young".
Right...Interesting.
Famous bands and cartoons with Satanic messages? I thought I'd try it out on bands that have have dark themes when they're played forward. Well, no eligible lyrics. But the music is freaky.
Nice.
This is the Virus of Life.
Played by Slipknot.
Oh yeah, it's in reverse, so enjoy the backmasked version.
Hope it won't give you nightmares.
If you thought Vermilion was a scary song, wait till you enjoy this one.
Kudos.
"This is the virus, the virus of life."
You gotta love backmasking.
And I gotta love her too...
Chronicled 2:18 AM
e l e g y
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Today I was a little more cheerful.
Because of two things. Maybe three. Okay, four.
One... well, it should be obvious.
Another... The time has come, to rise up. After four years.
I think you'll get what I mean.
Thirdly, I donated blood again. Nothing special, but it helps... and it leads to my fourth point.
The fourth, some cute girl kept trying to start a conversation with me when I was donating blood. She's in City Harvest Community Associations... So it'll be quite easy finding her. Kidding. I'm not kidding about the conversation part though. She made up tons of excuses to talk to me about everything under the sun. But one thing she kept repeating: Are you okay? I said yes, but it seemed as though she wanted me to say I'm not okay. Which led to her repeat of the question a few times and led to my repeating answer again. Hmmm.. I don't mind cute girls trying to start a conversation with me. It does brighten my mood slightly, that a cute girl is trying to talk with you and getting to know you better. I do mind when I don't get her number. I'm kidding.
Cedric Koh also caused me to be scolded for the first time donating blood. I used my left hand which was poked to point at him, which caused the nurses to panic and tell me to never move that hand when the needle is still poked inside. It may cause the needle to puncture some blood vessels and cause internal bleeding, needing me to receive blood, which would be a total irony considering the fact I was donating it. Common sense would tell you to not do that, but common sense left my world a few days ago. Ouch.
I don't know, I've been stared at by strangers everywhere I go. Guys and girls alike all look at me as though they know me from somewhere. I haven't received a black face from anyone in days. It's weird. No one is looking at me like I'm a gangster. But they still do the same things that imply I'm one. When we're in the MRT and I'm holding on to the pole, its natural to see who else grabs on when they come over. It's unnatural to see people back off and take off their hand, while looking scared that they've offended you when you look in their direction. An entire pole hands-free. Right there for me to hold for at least ten stops when it's crowded. Who said I mind?
What, is my depression showing from my expression? I'm trying to hide it best I can. And I mentioned I was a little more cheered up than the last few days. Maybe having depression while hiding it with a little authentic joy creates some weird look which ignites an interest to have people stare at you and give a "you look familiar" expression. Annoying. The only good thing is that my friend got the wrong impression that pretty girls were looking at me as though I was familiar. To him this meant pretty girls were checking me out. I knew better, but hey, don't you love ignorance?
I gave my blood to be used in emergencies for someone's life.
Jesus gave His blood to cleanse the world of all sin.
I gave my blood for so a person might live.
Jesus gave His blood so every soul might live.
I may be commendable for what I've done, donating blood to help others.
Jesus was beyond commendable, for what He did, doing more than anyone asked or thought.
I did not give blood for love, but because it was the right thing to do, to help others.
Jesus did not give just blood, He gave His life, not because it was the right thing to do, but because He loved.
Today, two millenia ago, He rose from the dead.
Friday marked the only day God died.
Saturday marked the only full day God remained dead.
Sunday marked the only day where God rose from the dead.
Two millenia ago, salvation had arrived for all those who confess.
On that day, the cure for sin was made available.
On this day, it commemorates why I'm able to be saved.
Why a third of the world is saved.
Today is Easter.
Today Jesus rose.
This is your Savior, pure love of heaven.
Rejected, cursed to die.
His blood poured out an offering, at the foot of the cross.
For the broken hearted, for the poor, the weak.
He shed His blood, for you and me.
Happy Easter everyone.
Jesus loves you.
And I'm supposed to love you too.
But I'd rather say it out to her.
I still love you...
Chronicled 1:42 PM
e l e g y
Friday, April 6, 2007
Death.
There's a certain ring to the word.
I've seen two people die before.
My grandfather. I was the last person to hold his hand before he died.
A stranger. Hit by a car. Next day, a Fatal Accident sign.
We'll all experience it.
It's just when it comes.
Peaceful.
Painful.
I've tried to end my life before.
Nothing worked.
The certain methods I didn't follow through.
Poisoning doesn't work as well as I once thought.
Wrist cutting needs a certain technique, and I discovered it, after I stopped being depressed. (Thank God)
Better not go into details.
Saturday is the only full day where God was dead.
For one full day. The original Sabbath.
He died. For us. For me. For her.
I had methods to end my life.
I had reasons at the time.
Jesus had reasons too. One main one.
He had a method, thought out long ago.
He did not invent it, but He used it.
To save us all.
I tried to die for a bad purpose.
Jesus wanted to die for a good purpose.
Dying for sinners. Depends on your perspective to see if that's good.
We aren't good. Not close. Yet He was willing.
Centuries before, it was foretold.
Centuries before, it was made clear.
Eons ago, it was known.
Eternity ago, He wanted to.
I failed to die, which was good.
He made sure to die, so that we could live.
That's good. We don't deserve it, but He loves us nonetheless.
He died for Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and yeah, you too.
Two thousand years ago, there was only one full day where God was dead.
It is today.
And that's why I love Him.
No other God died for me.
One demanded your death if you left him.
One told you to have no desires.
One showed you how He loved you.
More than that, He did it.
Today, two millenia ago...
Was the only full day God was dead.
Because He loved us.
Because He loved me.
Because He loved you.
Because He loved her...
Chronicled 1:51 PM
e l e g y
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Proverbs 14:13 "Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief"
It still aches. I don't know why.
Maybe I've assumed too much.
Maybe...
Just maybe...
I can still hope....
Unless...
Nah. I won't hope.
Remember what Job 17:15 says?
"where then is my hope? Who can see any hope for me?"
No hope at all.
None.
I've edited the blog to suit my mood. So I can take some credits for the blog html.
This happens to be my first post with me typing properly. Just to suit the mood.
You should know what kind of mood this is.
She's the only one that makes me sad.
I'll leave you to guess whether it's what I really feel or just part of the lyrics.
New inspiration for a song...
Unwritten... for now.
Good Friday everyone.
Jesus died for us today.
While I experience aches in my heart, He experienced the punishment of every sin.
While I may be depressed, Jesus asked why He was forsaken by God Himself.
While I may live, it's because Jesus died.
While I may love, it's because He loved first.
While I'm in my sorrows, He's holding me.
Is it any wonder I love God?
But I still love you too...
Chronicled 4:16 PM
e l e g y
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
i saw sth somewhere, and its obvious
sorry if u dun get this post... i jus feel like venting out my emotions...
back to before.. i said i din wanna end up like that... not the person i was 4 yrs ago... and i din.. i did that well.. but sth out of my control happened, and i think i'm reverting
Ἰησοῦς Χριστός...Lama sabachthani?
go translate that urself
Job 17:11 "My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart." v15 "where then is my hope? Who can see any hope for me?"
heartbroken again
again
again
in comparison i lose
and i lose in this too
u win
stay happy
jus dun repeat wat u did
dun end up like how u were
go back to ur former self
and be happy that u've won
again
i lose
again, against u
u've won
u've got God's blessings
my hearts desires are shattered
and wat does it say?
Ecclestiastes 7:3 "Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart"
its good for my heart
so enjoy wat u've won
again and again
i lose
dun freaking bother about my life
u've got urs now
with her
i've lost her
u've got her
dun let it be as it happened to eros' mother
like the morning star of the sky
be happy
like u wanted it
wat u wanted came
wat i wanted died
y do u always win?
is it my destiny to lose to u?
seems like it
u win
u freaking win
u get her
u got her
all she wants is u
go complete her world
she jus needs the confirmation
and u 2 can live happily ever after
i healed my heart after the break of the promise
i lost my heart to a princess of hell
halfway recovering, it went nuts
and had it abused by an ice queen
jus as i get it back u come to shatter it
again
is my heart there to be broken all the time?
the darkness is coming back
pray it won't take up the place where my heart once was
or wats left of it
shattered! how many pieces do u want?
none? one? hundreds?
i should be feeling happy for u 2
i should be elated
i should be glad that she's happy
but y do i feel so empty?
so hollow?
y do i feel like blaming God when He's done nth wrong?
y the hell does my heart feel like its bleeding?
someone help me
rewrite my story
i'm tired
jus so tired of this repeating
jus take my heart away for good
so i wun needa have a heart break nemore
then i can be elated
then i can be happy for u
then i dun needa rmb that i loved u
then there'll be no more heart breaks
and u 2 can oh so be happily be together
take my blessings
even as i'm having sorrow
its good for my heart... sorrow
sorrow
sorrow
sorrow
freaking psyko
pain
insane
i'm supposed to support those 2
but y dun i feel like it?
aahhhh...
i know no one tags whenever i make these kinda posts... but make an effort to, at least i'll have confirmation u know wats going on. then i wun needa assume and cause more problems. these 2 dun need more problems.
freak
zzzzz
Chronicled 3:00 PM
e l e g y
aye... went for keyboarding lessons with kohwee again...as usual i had to walk the long stretch of road... and since it was broad daylight, i dun needa worry about cursing lights -.-... but it was barely drizzling... i could feel a bit a rain but it evaporated as soon as it hit my skin... it was so light, but it was kooling and very refreshing... like.... i dunno.... God's little treat? lol... got on the bus and it was empty, except for 2 pretty gals inside...took a seat and jus revised the chords we needed to memorize and the sequence... the gals were talking quite loud to begin with, but i was listening to my mp3 player.. so i din take note.. tho curiousity got the best of me and i paused my mp3 player to overhear them =x.. sorry...well, i found out some news, the long hair one thot i was handsome while the short hair one was saying the guy who got off a few stops earlier was more handsome... well, i din see him, so no comment...but the fact that a pretty gal said i'm handsome.. well.. yippee...then after their comparison of me and mr mystery, the short hair dared the long hair gal to get my number and she said ok! lmao... once they caught me looking at them, she said she din dare.. well... too bad i guess... lol, too bad for me i mean -.-.. i din get their number... cuz well... i dunno.. i already like someone so it'd feel weird... when i din like neone that time it was easy tho... =/
met kohwee and we ate at mac.. aye, its been ages since i've been there... jus took a drink and fries tho.. due to my dad, my finances are freaking tight.. and u wouldnt believe how tight.. i ask for rm4 to take the bus to and fro and he says i'm using too much money -.-... zzz, pissing off... nehoo.. headed to bugis and arrived early... haha.. well, the nuts sequence wasnt actually that bad... when u actually do it out, its not as bad as it seems.. haha.. my left hand was a little mixed up but it was still good overall.
yea, i thot i did well.. talk about the next part we had to do.. quite a lot of stuff.. C chords and the positioning of ur fingers... freaking annoying, needa stretch here and there... a little confusing at 1st, but it gets easier over time.. tho i think i'll needa practice on a real keyboard... i've been practising all my sequences on my laptop surface... but for the chords and all, i need real distance and notes to see whether i'm doing it corrrectly... lol, well, lets hope i can do better. yi kong yi kong, yi kong liang kong, liang kong yi kong... thats wat i was taught... and it works quite well.... haha
checked parco and junction and jus took a look at everything.. god of war 2 is out! i wanna play!!! i killed ares in god of war.. so i'm wondering wat happens next in god of war 2.. hmm... din see much worth noting.. jus another book which involves sth like the da vinci code, except it talks about da vinci's time and him being tried for heresy... well, quite interesting...after our stroll, we took a cab back, cuz kohwee was lazy to take the bus or mrt.. well, he treated.. thanx a lot! no entertaining buses this week... jus the comfort of a cab.. talked about how ppl chatted in msn.. LOL, damn hilarious...
came home and this time only one light died as i walked pass.. the rest all were normal.. except the light i passed, both sides died this time.. not only my side.. well, its an improvement from the other day... every light on my side died when i walked near it.. freaky... well, nth much to note..jus that i checked my results and they suck.. aye, really terrible. gpa 1.25.. can u imagine? in my 1st term i got straight A's in my tests and all that and i got a gpa of 1.5, then when i do poorly for my tests and stuff i get a gpa of 1.25.. wat the..i dunno how they mark
oh ya..easter's coming! can't wait.. i hope this yr's drama is up to scratch.. last yrs was the best drama i've seen so far....so yea.. i hope this yrs one is even better and more impacting than last yrs one.. and thats quite sth to top.. well, nth much, so nitez all
Chronicled 12:32 PM
e l e g y
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
its nearly 6am... and i havent slept yet.. was bz playing yahool pool with isabel.. lol...she's super pro... zzz, i lost quite a few times to her.. so pro -.-, jus like huizhen.. both liars -.-, they said they werent good.. but look at who won so many matches
maybe its me tired... but i jus made the stupidest tag in my life.. look at this:
4 Apr 07, 05:42 † P§¥KØ †™: well pool pro.. enjoy ur dinner.. i'm off to bed... mornz!
LOL... that jus doesnt make sense.... freaking retarded...
aye, my ear is bleeding now -.-.. accidentally took off my earring and somehow made it bleed...zzz, and i realized that the nitemare where my head was hit by the car, i did get a scratch.. i only noticed it a while ago in the shower... 3 scratches, quite deep, in a straight line, all bleeding ... aye... this is weird
well, i'm off to bed... mornz all (at least its less retarded than saying go enjoy ur dinner -.-)
Chronicled 5:43 PM
e l e g y
Monday, April 2, 2007
had a prayer meeting earlier... aye, i was supposed to go out for coffee with isabel, huizhen and josh.. but a certain someone din tell me earlier! zzz.. i live in msia! lol.. so yea, i passed up on the coffee stuff cuz that certain someone din come online earlier -.-.. she's got a record of coming online after 2am.... pure brilliance, haha...
arrived in sembawang a few mins late, and started off our prayer meeting... prayed about easter svc, the drama, the retention... aye, quite a good time.. and lirong's joined our cg too.. transferred. had a calling up session, filled with fellowship, jokes and pastries! =x.. hey they tasted good... nehoo, aman! amen! awomen! YA MAN! (i said south africa, not freaking jamaica)... thats a joke.. i'll see if u get it.. !xobile
went home thru bus again.. tho sth weird happened on the way.. u see, there's a long stretch of road leading towards my area, and there's those big street lamps that split into 2 "heads" for each lane... u know, kinda like the letter "T".. so as i was walking on the way back, i obviously had these lights to brighten up my path.. so i was walking straight when the light on my side of the lane died off... i stayed there for a while to look at the light, and it was completely dead... i din think much of it, so i went off and walked... when i reached the light "next in line" it died off on my side and the lamp from the previous street lamp lit up again! a little creepy, so i jus stood there to see if nething happened. nth happened -.-, it still remained dead. so i walked off again and the moment i left, the light came up again -.-, and when i reached the next light it died off...GEEZ. it was really annoying and a little creepy. every light source died on my side while the lamp on the other side still shone brightly. and when i leave the lights and walk on it comes on again.. zzz. i've been jokingly accused of being evil, teased about being morbid and zombified, and dissed about being darkness and all that but this is ridiculous
at least when i arrived home my lights still worked... and my lappy's still working! good.. i din wanna "curse" my lights or lappy... geez
Chronicled 12:37 PM
e l e g y
hmmm... i've been accused of hacking! zzz, lol, so to prove that i'm NOT hacking, i thot i'd provide a little info....
hey isabel! ur jingle bell! hey huizhen! ur miss sunshine! hey esther! ur femmine! hey debbie! ur debbiebigbee! hey eleanore! ur watermelon girl! hey jon lim! ur jonathan morpheus! hey jon fong! ur jonathan (uh, yea... no diff -.-) hey gary! ur gary su (same also -.-) hey baozhen! ur kikobao! hey olivia! ur olivia♥! hey shiyin! ur feminist!
and jus to be fair cuz i know all ur sign off names, here's mine: † P§¥KØ †™.. well, no big deal, u see that on msn all the time neway
yea.. i'm so NOT a hacker.. seriously! i'm not hacking..i'm an IT idiot, even if i'm taking an IT course =/ there's such an easy way of finding our blogger sign off names..of course.. if u'd like to test the fact i dun hack.. well, come and try me =D