Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Okay, since now I've got my happening's off my chest, I'm thinking of doing a Gary (HA) whilst mixing in some Howe. Only people who read our blogs will get this joke... Lmao.
Anyhoo, Pastor Kong's sermon for the new year involved goals, and settings. This reminded me of last year, where N337 had to do the goal setting card in the Haunted Toilet Punggol Chalet (I made the name up, but it is true). I know that I failed to accomplish all my written resolutions. Plain laziness.
2007's been a crazy year. I've realized my life gets more and more interesting every year. Not always in the best of ways. So many firsts happened this year. First time getting attacked by a dog. First (and second) time chased by robbers. First time working. First time getting a tattoo. First (and God please let it be the last and only) time experiencing my parents divorcing.
What am I thinking about in the brand new year of 2008? Honestly, only three things come to mind immediately. First, to continue not taking my family for granted. Second, to help improve the cellgroup, and get rid of ignorance from several members. Third, a relationship.
When I was going through the emotions of the divorce, I was an emotional wreck. I cried like I've never cried before, and even the mention of that word would have me quietly pouring tears. I didn't eat normally, I was like so dead in school, and I learned how to put up such a fake exterior in school that I felt like such a hypocrite, because I do pride myself on being the same person to everyone who knows me. Yet I put up an exterior to my schoolmates, lied to some cellgroup members, who were wondering what was going on, but broke down in front of my parents. I may be emotionally stable now, but something this major will never fail to leave your memories.
My current cellgroup is just so bittersweet. I've got really some of the greatest friends in this cellgroup, with many good members I'm glad to be with and good growth. Yet some of their attitudes sicken me, and the ignorance of several people really make me wonder whether I'm in the correct cellgroup sometimes. Sure, lately my posts involving my cellgroup are all negative, and sure, so far, I don't see any progress in their change of ignorance. However, who was there for me when I was an emotional wreck? Several friends outside and in church of course, and above all, my cellgroup. It's like it takes a crisis for them to really notice what's going on. I may be unhappy with some members, but take note that no one is perfect. Certainly they aren't, and I'm fine with that. There's nothing wrong with being disappointed and angry... I'm human after all. But know that I will always love my cellgroup with the best of my ability. I will always forgive. Never forget that. Experiencing things like this with my last two cellgroups has been a really different experience from E145, where after dealing with all the issues, there was only good in the cellgroup, up to the point of disbandment. I know my cellgroup can deal with it, but I just don't know when.
A relationship ended as I got to know who God really was in my life 5 years ago. From that time till now, I've never fully pursued any girl. I may given gifts, sent messages and letters, but I always stopped at a limit, which varied for certain people. I've never been fully active in wooing girls since coming to church, 'cause I always say that I want to focus on God first. So thankfully, in this tug-of-war, my beliefs have always prevailed what my I myself may want but shouldn't have at the time. Now, I just have a feeling I'm going to breakthrough to a really whole new level. How and when? No idea. But as my relationship ended when I knew God, I've got this feeling that a relationship will start as I know God even more this year. My feelings for the last girl have died for quite a while already, even as I didn't consciously choose to like her in the first place. Now? I can actually think about prospects, with spirituality and all those important factors in, whilst adding in feelings of my own (and of nature's). I'm pleased with this more stable and mature emotional "HQ" of mine. So ladies beware! LOL. Kidding. Honestly, I'll just keep an open mind. With all this talk about relationships, Harvest Times cover article (gee whiz), and a weird certainty I've never felt in this area of my life since I've been in church, I think its a pretty good case. Of course I'm not gonna dive in, but I'll be aware. Plus, I still got that damn promise to fulfill... get married in 5 (now 4) years!
As for other "resolutions", I'll be taking my time to think about them. Had a tertiary gathering earlier, where Michelle was telling us each about things we should improve on about ourselves. Me? Just you wait.
Also, since I'm on the topic of relationships, just to let you know I've linked my friend who was the closest to being my girlfriend in church. Both of us in church and in good cellgroups. Then she backslid and left...