Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Friday, November 7, 2008
I know I'm one post behind. Sorry, blame my assignments, they're going nuts lately. Anyway, congratulations to Barack Obama for becoming President-elect. I must say that this election was quite interesting, and either a win for Obama or McCain would cause a historic moment, either with the first black American President or the oldest person to take office as President, plus the first female Vice President. I have supported Obama all the way since the Democratic primaries, and I'm pretty pleased with the result. This will be something to remember for some time to come.
And that leads me to what I'd like to talk about today... memories. We all live our lives according to how we want to, within the limits of what we can do. A small minority of the world is living life exactly the way they want to, with everything going their way. A much larger proportion of people are doing what they can, trying to make lives better. And for the remaining half of the world, they struggle to survive just one more day. Everything we do affects what we remember. Our memories are surprisingly powerful.
When people ask me what I fear, they usually expect a typical answer. Spiders, the dark, or public speaking perhaps. Thing is, I'm not your typical person. If you were to ask me what my fears were, based on what is usually expected, then I'd say I have no fears. Of course, that's a lie. I do have fears. Firstly, I fear losing my faith. I've seen so many people leave church because of emotions, relationships, and for one, his so called disproving of Christianity. I have lived a better life after knowing Jesus than I ever could have had without Him. And it scares me that I might just leave it all for some reason. Secondly, I fear losing my friends. I've reached the age where some of them have died already, and some I've lost contact with. The relationships we build with people are some of the most significant things we achieve and to have that all disappear is something I really don't want. And lastly, when you lose friends, you may lose what helps you think of all the past... memories.
I fear losing my memories because even though I've only been living for 19 years, and have only remembered life properly for possibly 13 years, I have experienced a lot more than most people my age experience in a lifetime. I have experienced moving to many addresses, within 3 countries, each move bringing about significant change. I have spent a third of my life in 2 countries where I do not come from, but as of yet, are my most important years. I've had a moment in time where I tried committing suicide regularly, which failed every time. Poisonings, wrist-cuttings, thrashing... nothing did it. I've had the dramatic transformation of changing from who I was then, to who I am now. I've had several family issues involving shares and money, and many behind-the-scenes conflicts among the extended families. I've had my parents divorce only last year. I've had a certain incident involving my sister that most people would find a hard time believing. I've nearly been robbed at knife point before, and have had deliverance done on me a few times. These are just the noticeable ones. There's plenty of other incidents that just aren't worth mentioning for others to know, but are very noteworthy nonetheless, at least to me.
Now, life has done its 19 year job to me. If I were given the chance to go back in time, fix an issue, stop myself from saying something, even doing something, or even perhaps, preventing my parents from splitting up, would I do it? Tempting as it may be, I would say no. I did not ask for the things that happened to me, but they happened anyway, and have come to pass. It is the way things have become. Every little decision we make in our life moulds us slowly each time, and what's happened in the past as made me who I am today. Therefore my memories are what defines me. My memories, of what has happened in the past, are what have shaped me to be the person I am today. And because of that, I don't want to lose my memories. I enjoy my life a lot now, and very often, memories are what I usually browse through to have interesting talks. What we learn and believe are all stored in our memories. In a sense, our memories are our lives as we remember it. And to lose your memories is very literally losing a part of your life.
I'm a major bookworm, and several novels I've read have people losing their memory. It makes me wonder, what would I do if I lost my memory? If I forgot everyone and everything I've ever known. It's a scary thought, but not an impossible one. They'd guide me slowly by helping me walk again, telling me what legs were. Then to groom myself properly, but cutting and styling my hair. Of course, I'd need to learn what all that black stuff on my head is. It would be a terrible moment. I've learned a lot, and have experienced so much, that I don't ever want to lose what I've experienced, be it happy or sad. What's happened has happened, and I'm not going to change the past, no matter what chance I get. It's made me who I am, and made the people around me who they are as well. That's what helps make life interesting, doesn't it? Surprises.
I know nothing lasts forever. Everything here is temporary. But while I'm living, I want to experience as much as possible. I've already been through some of the worst things that could ever happen to a person, short of my own death. What more can't I take? People would say though, to make the most out of your time now and change the future, make it a better place for everyone. That would be very satisfying, and no doubt would be in the memories of many people. But at the moment, I want something a bit more simpler. I just want to live my life, remembering what I've done and all the fun I've had, and all the hard lessons that have shaped me to be more mature. Yes I can do my assignments like a robot, and get high marks for my grades, yes I can backstab my friends and compete with them, so that I can do better than them and come out on top of the class, yes I can be the best designer the world has ever seen, but I would be without a life if I did that. Sure, I'll get a high paying job, I'll be well known and such. But all that money and fame can't buy me the laughs and joys I'll be thinking about in the future. Trying to get a girl's number, making your friends do stupid things, just the pure fun and joy. These are memories I have, and I want more.
I could offer anyone all the money in the world, but I would never be able to have those memories. Money and fame and power cannot buy all the joy, laughter and deep, heartfelt conversations. I love having good conversations with friends. It keeps my social skills in good condition and allows me the insights of other people's lives, and vice versa. The thoughts when you know you're enjoying a good talk with someone are usually satisfying, are they not? These are the memories I have, and want to continue to have. I have fears of losing my memories, because they are so precious. They are all that's left of my past. History, wars, alliances, betrayals, grudges, friendships... aren't they all influenced by memories to quite a large extent?
Memories are very powerful. The main reason I made a blog was because a lot of my friends made one too. Most of the friends that began their blogs around the same time as me have all stopped blogging though. Part of the reason I've kept maintaining my blog for close to 6 years is because it allows me to blog about my thoughts, life and such. It's a platform for my friends to read about them too, which is a privilege for me because others are spending their time to read about me. But also, blogging allowed me to type down what has happened, and in a sense, store my memories. When I'm old and dying, my blog will be a record of the memories I've bothered to type. It will be a product of brain cells and electrical impulses, synapses in my head.
Its rare for people to ask what my fears are. However, for nearly everyone who've I mentioned it to, they're very curious as to why I'm afraid to lose my memories. Some take them very lightly, if they're gone, they're gone, so be it. For me, they're something of worth, priceless perhaps. That's why I blog. That's why I keep chat logs. That's why I keep all emails I receive (thank God for 2GB storage, Hotmail's old 2.5MB storage was pathetic). That's why I keep Friendster messages, Facebook messages. That's why I keep all the significant SMSes. They're valuable to me. You'll naturally want to keep what's valuable. I'm doing just that.
And that's why I don't want to go back to before. I want to go to what I've never imagined before. And add more to my memories. To my life.