Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I'm counting down to a 7th year anniversary soon. I think plenty of you can guess what this anniversary is about. In case you don't, wait till Saturday then, when I'll reveal all. But of course, I'll make some clues along the way. This whole week, I will be posting about more serious questions, thoughts and ponders. I'll be quite frank in these posts, and maybe expose a bit of things that I don't share with people very often. There will be a common theme though (if I don't get carried away with the topic at hand), so if you can identify the common theme, you can identify what this anniversary is about.
For my first post of the week, I thought I'd dwell on a topic that's very interestingly, been a subject of major scrutiny when it involves me, relationships. Yeah, and I mean the boy-girl kind. Let's start all the way back to the beginning, when I had my first real crush. I was only in grade 3, and I was partnered with a classmate, called Victoria for some kind of group project. My moronic teacher, Mr Moore was in charge of pairing the people up and I was one of the very few who were paired with someone of the opposite gender. I initially thought "What the hell?!" but after the few days (or weeks, I forgot), I realized that Victoria wasn't so bad, and I developed quite a good friendship with her. We were so close in fact, I started hanging out with her and her best friend Alison, quite often. And slowly, I began to like her. I know I was years away from puberty, but hey, I guess hormones struck me early or something -.-.
I did like her, and one time, she asked me who I liked. I was like "What now?" and decided I'd tell her another time. How did I tell her? Well, we were in a secluded area in the school playground, and I said I'd been feeling this way for quite some time. Then I told her I liked her and I ran away. YEAH, RAN! How much of a loser can you be?! Suffice to say, she took it well and Alison kept teasing me about it onwards. Besides this very, very awkward incident that has me still laughing (and ridiculing) myself a decade later, we became great friends and I still consider her one of my greatest friends ever, and we still keep in contact! Well, I continued to like her for the next 3 years, but at the same time I liked another girl, Sally. I met her through Scouts Canada and there was one time we and another guy, Justin, needed to attend a camp. Before this, we barely talked, but thanks to the camp (the 3 of us were the only people in our unit) we became best friends. In fact, I ended up staying over at Sally's place one time and she kissed me. Yeah, I know it's kinda awkward for young kids, but like I said, blame the hormones!
It didn't develop though, and I think we were still too young to know what a relationship was. I liked a few girls after that, and nothing went through, although I found out that one girl I used to hate actually liked me! LOL. Honestly, I thought she hated me too, so that was the only reason I hated her back. Like I said, kids!
I moved to Malaysia after that, and I ended up liking a girl called Jassica (no I didn't typo her name). She sat on my school bus and since we lived near each other, I ended up getting to know her better. I found out later she had a boyfriend though, so we kept it as friends. After that, I liked a classmate called Hidayah, a Malay, which shocked quite a few people (okay, but she was really pretty alright!) and because I knew she was attached, I didn't make a move. That didn't stop her boyfriend from getting into a fight with me though, which was stopped by a bunch of councillors. Funny thing is, a few years later, he asked for forgiveness and we became good friends. After that, I liked Jassica's sister, Crystal. She called me almost everyday and stuff, and yeah, I never did anything to develop it, I don't know why. I found out later that she called me 'cause she liked me, and that we actually liked each other at the same time. Oh well?
I went on to like a few more girls after that, before finally getting attached with Zhi Xuan. Ah, my first (and only) officially real girlfriend. How did we get together? Well, the story is always a funny one, and typing it out won't give it justice, so I'll just cut a long story short. I liked a person called Sarah but I actually mistook her for Zhi Xuan, and when I finally found out I liked the wrong girl, I was like "What the hell?!". Of course, personality does prevail over looks (part of the story), so I ended up picking Zhi Xuan as my real girlfriend. Another long story short, we eventually broke up due to her constant breaking of promises and according to her, my change upon attending church. More long stories short, I liked Sarah after we broke up but it didn't go through 'cause she felt guilty taking her best friend's ex-boyfriend. Zhi Xuan hated me after this, and has never been the same since then.
I liked a few more girls with nothing noticeable happening. When I became more committed in church, I started to focus on Christian girls instead, since its not encouraged to enter a relationship with someone who's not a believer. Well, something interesting happened. I ended up liking 2 girls at the same time! Soo Wen, from my school, not a Christian, and Ho Ching, a girl in my zone, who was a Christian and looked exactly like Soo Wen, just with longer hair. It didn't help that they acted the same, looked the same and were even the same height -.-. Soo Wen took a few months to decide and eventually didn't accept, while Ho Ching eventually backslided and left church.
This hurt quite a bit, and I began to focus more on God than relationships. It worked for a while, I kept things purely at a purely friendship level with all the girls in the church and outside, but there's something that can happen when you meet a person every single week in church... you begin to like her. Although I had been in the same cellgroup as Sylvia for 4 years, I always treated her as a friend and nothing more, and I still can't believe I liked her. Feelings can't be helped, and this was no different. She overreacted completely even though I had no plans whatsoever on being with her and she became a very cold person toward me (and later on, almost everyone she knew), which led me calling her an Ice Queen. I picked that name from a Resident Evil book. Suited her freaking well. Feelings faded eventually, and although we sort of had a cold war, things warmed up after she invited me among a few others to support her in a concert she was part of. I didn't want to go, and Jonathan did, but he couldn't make it last minute and asked me to take his place. It cost quite a bit for the concert tickets, so I didn't want to pay to attend something I didn't want to, but he insisted, and I went anyway. This helped bring back the friendship a bit, but never to what it was before.
Okay... around this time I was becoming a person who did more in church. Behind the scenes especially. I was slowly beginning to take up a more leadership-ish (maybe helper-ish would be more accurate) position in the cellgroup, although subtly and slowly. I had a lot more to focus on than girls at this time. And from this point onwards, I think I need to be a little more sensitive, because the people I'm mentioning are in the present, plus they know my blog and sometimes read it! Take note that these are my feelings alright, so mentioning your name is not intended to insult you (am I that bad?!), but just to be honest, since its in the past anyway.
Around this time, Isabel joined church and I just considered her as just another friend, who, honestly, I didn't expect to stay in church. So after seeing her come back again every week, I got to know her more and found out she knew my classmate in secondary school. This, plus the cellgroup appreciation among other times, helped develop the friendship. And I ended up liking her, without wanting to. You know, sometimes I feel my feelings are too hyper -.-. Ahem! Anyway, I knew it wouldn't work out, so I didn't do anything to develop it. I kept it quiet and told a few people though, but eventually, one big mouth (you know who you are -.-), told her and quite a few members of the zone! I found out later that 2 other guys also liked her. Funny thing how we were all helpers. Well, both of them I've never been back on good terms again with them, after other incidents (we won't sink that low because of a girl), but 3 way "competition" didn't make things better. One called her way late into the night and another confessed in front of a group of people, and what did I do? Go emo about it. Zzz. I didn't choose to like her, but knowing that other guys are going after her in such ways kinda packs a punch. To your face.
Aiks. After an period known as "ignorance" my feelings for her died off completely and the cellgroup was on the way to revival after everyone changed for the better. I was more wise about relationships and decided that if I ever liked another person, I'd shut it, 'cause they seem to be extremely popular things to spread. Suffice to say I didn't like anyone after that, but I did have a choice in mind, Jessica. I've known her since she first stepped in church and have been in the same cellgroup with her for half my years in church. She's mature and cute, but I wasn't that interested in her, even though she's bloody cute. So I considered another person, and because she reads my blog, I am not going to mention her name. I can say I did have feelings for her, because... I don't know, its just we got to know each other quite well thanks to a hell lot of circumstances. However, by this time I knew I was moving to KL already, and that it was going to be really hard to begin a relationship overseas. Although I felt that these emotions for her were more "right" than the last I dunno how many girls, moving away caused it to be left behind.
Then I moved up here. And I started hanging out with the people in CHCKL. And I met the people I met when I visited here last time. I ended up liking a girl, due to going out with her quite often, and she's the one I've been mentioning in my posts, if you've taken note. I even put her name in my blog. It's the one in Hebrew. Right now things are a little dead thanks to my assignments. And now, I'm a little confused about my feelings, to be honest. I know I like her, but I'm also a bit mixed up about my feelings for another girl. And possibly another. And to make things worse, what about that girl in Singapore? I never concluded about her did I?
Here's the thing. I have often liked girls easily, even when I didn't choose to. Sometimes (more than just the Soo Wen/Ho Ching time) I would like more than one girl at the same time. I felt weird, 'cause it didn't seem normal, and when I grew older, it seemed to be emotionally cheating in a way. But I couldn't help liking another person right? Well, I searched online and found out that other people have similar phenomena too. Then I read something that's been a comfort to me whenever I think about my "hyperactive" feelings. The author said that she knew she loved 2 guys, but had made a choice to be with the boyfriend. Although she knew she loved the other guy as well, she chose to remain faithful to her boyfriend and does not act upon her feelings for the other guy. She may have the feelings, but makes a choice in what she does.
So, am I making a choice? To a certain extent, I am. I'm focusing more on the CHCKL girl, even though I still do have feelings for the CHC SG girl. But other people are making me a little confused, to be honest. I'm very mixed up on my emotions now. Yes I make the decision to like CHCKL girl, but I can't help if other feelings get in the way right?
*Sigh* I dunno. I'm just really, really mixed up.
Congrats if you've read this far. I'll be making more serious posts on other topics in the coming days. Kudos, and it's 5am now. Good morning.