2008 has been a very interesting year for politics. In this year (and later today) half of the G8 countries had elections. G8, a group of 8 countries, controls more than 2 thirds of the world economy, and 7 of the 8 countries have the highest military expenditure in the entire world. It's very high profile and the countries are the most developed in the world. In a sense, its the "great 8". Also, half the world's nuclear powers also had elections this year. If you count 2007, nearly all countries in the G8 and nuclear powers have had elections, with over half changing leaders.
So, with the world's most powerful countries shifting leaders and positions, it's indeed been a very interesting political year (or two). Leaders affect the people under them, and for my post today, I'd thought I'd talk about something that I am involved with all too often, leadership.
Now leaders are very important, as much as you might dislike them, be it your Prime Minister, President, or hopefully not, your Pastor, Rabbi or Imam. Anyhoo, I respect leaders with the basic respect, and if I support them, then even more so. Admittedly, there have been poor leaders in all areas, and they affect the lives of millions, and possibly billions of people.
How do I get involved in this? Well, for one thing, I've been stuck being a leader in many areas! Heck, for every group project I've had in this school, I've been the group leader. For history I was even the vice president. Then I'm still the class monitor. I've been a councillor in my previous secondary school, and even back in junior school (primary, to Malaysians and Singaporeans) I was often a leader of my group of friends, and often took charge of the decisions. Then in church I was also a helper. It's not an outright leadeship position, but it's still leadership to a certain extent. Now some people love to be leaders, and they know it. They respect the position and those under them, and they have the charisma and skills to lead. Me? I'll be honest. I hate being a leader.
Now, I don't hate leaders, don't get me wrong. I just hate being in a position of leadership, even though I've gone through countless leadership positions in my life. Now I know a few people who'd say I have a wrong mindset, and that with the church's focus on the marketplace and business in the last few years, I'm not going to make a difference if I'm not a leader. Yeah, I know the doctrines alright? I've been in church for 6 years already. Sure, I'd like to make a difference in the marketplace and change people's lives. But at the same time I don't like being a leader. Contradicting? Not my fault -.-.
I don't deny I do well in leadership positions. The feedback for my performance in the leadership positions in the last few times has been positive, and one particular friend actually listed down a bunch of things I did different compared to other leaders that made me stand out more, and be more likable compared to the others. Well, kudos. She listed them down and I realized its just the way I am. I'm just leading based on how I want to lead. However, people often say that for your job, its better to do something you like than something you don't. Yeah I say the same for my leadership positions. It's important so I take charge, but I just dislike the position. There's so much you need to worry about. All the individual members, are they doing their job, are they okay, is everything in order, when's the next meeting, what to do, and all that. For church leaders, its even more difficult 'cause you have to worry about spiritual lives and sins, evangelizing. Heck, their eternity is partly in your hands!
I don't like the leadership positions because they make me someone I'm not. I don't like to lead, I don't like telling people what to do. In church, the position I enjoyed the most was a helper, where you're given responsibilities, and partly you're leading, but you're more in the back, where you don't outright lead, but you're someone to be reckoned with (not in the fight sense -.-) regardless. Uh, for example, take Wolverine from the X Men as an example. He's clearly not the leader for the team, but he does do important stuff and is definitely someone important (and a bonus, he's Canadian). For kids, the Green Ranger from the first Power Rangers is something typical of Wolverine too, and the position I'd prefer. And no, I don't mean doing fancy stunts and wearing a green helmet. Although I do think he's still quite cool, compared to all the other power rangers. Hmmm... maybe I should find better real life examples. Uh... I can't think of any at the moment. All the high profile leaders that are good seem to be outright leaders -.-.
Okay, nevermind. My focus for leadership today will be about cellgroup leaders. Why? For one thing, many people I know want to be a cellgroup leader in the future. Some already are, and want to move on to pastoral staff later on. I've never wanted to be a cellgroup leader, for the reasons I mentioned above. I'm perfectly happy with being a helper, or even a key helper, but not a leader. Yeah yeah, call it the wrong mindset or what, but its just me. I don't like being a leader and even if I do the duties of a leader, I won't enjoy it. I'm focusing on cellgroup leadership because I recently had a chat with someone who knows she wants to be a leader in the future, and thats her next step already. Isabel from my cellgroup in Singapore is on the way to becoming a leader already. I had a talk about leadership with one of my cellgroup member's mom, who's a member of CHCKL. The talk somehow ended up being about leadership positions, and she asked whether I'd want to be a leader in church. I flatly outright said no. Then she's like why? I told her everything, and she said, "You never know where God will lead you." She almost seemed to be smiling when she said that since I've been a leader in so many areas, I just might be a cellgroup leader in the future.
*Shudders* honestly. I've heard a lot of testimony's where people were living their lives happily in one direction, only to have God change their world upside down and go a completely different way, and they've never been happier. So what if one day that happens to me? I'm called to be a leader even though I hate to be one? Honestly, I've seen and known too many people who've listened and have never looked back. I know God's plan is the best one, and that it will be the best if I follow it. I may know it's something I should follow. Whether I have the faith to listen is another matter. Do I really want to give up everything to do something I don't like?
I can say yes now. But whether I actually do go through with it is another thing, when the time comes.
In all honesty, I'm hoping that time will never come.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I'm counting down to a 7th year anniversary soon. I think plenty of you can guess what this anniversary is about. In case you don't, wait till Saturday then, when I'll reveal all. But of course, I'll make some clues along the way. This whole week, I will be posting about more serious questions, thoughts and ponders. I'll be quite frank in these posts, and maybe expose a bit of things that I don't share with people very often. There will be a common theme though (if I don't get carried away with the topic at hand), so if you can identify the common theme, you can identify what this anniversary is about.
For my first post of the week, I thought I'd dwell on a topic that's very interestingly, been a subject of major scrutiny when it involves me, relationships. Yeah, and I mean the boy-girl kind. Let's start all the way back to the beginning, when I had my first real crush. I was only in grade 3, and I was partnered with a classmate, called Victoria for some kind of group project. My moronic teacher, Mr Moore was in charge of pairing the people up and I was one of the very few who were paired with someone of the opposite gender. I initially thought "What the hell?!" but after the few days (or weeks, I forgot), I realized that Victoria wasn't so bad, and I developed quite a good friendship with her. We were so close in fact, I started hanging out with her and her best friend Alison, quite often. And slowly, I began to like her. I know I was years away from puberty, but hey, I guess hormones struck me early or something -.-.
I did like her, and one time, she asked me who I liked. I was like "What now?" and decided I'd tell her another time. How did I tell her? Well, we were in a secluded area in the school playground, and I said I'd been feeling this way for quite some time. Then I told her I liked her and I ran away. YEAH, RAN! How much of a loser can you be?! Suffice to say, she took it well and Alison kept teasing me about it onwards. Besides this very, very awkward incident that has me still laughing (and ridiculing) myself a decade later, we became great friends and I still consider her one of my greatest friends ever, and we still keep in contact! Well, I continued to like her for the next 3 years, but at the same time I liked another girl, Sally. I met her through Scouts Canada and there was one time we and another guy, Justin, needed to attend a camp. Before this, we barely talked, but thanks to the camp (the 3 of us were the only people in our unit) we became best friends. In fact, I ended up staying over at Sally's place one time and she kissed me. Yeah, I know it's kinda awkward for young kids, but like I said, blame the hormones!
It didn't develop though, and I think we were still too young to know what a relationship was. I liked a few girls after that, and nothing went through, although I found out that one girl I used to hate actually liked me! LOL. Honestly, I thought she hated me too, so that was the only reason I hated her back. Like I said, kids!
I moved to Malaysia after that, and I ended up liking a girl called Jassica (no I didn't typo her name). She sat on my school bus and since we lived near each other, I ended up getting to know her better. I found out later she had a boyfriend though, so we kept it as friends. After that, I liked a classmate called Hidayah, a Malay, which shocked quite a few people (okay, but she was really pretty alright!) and because I knew she was attached, I didn't make a move. That didn't stop her boyfriend from getting into a fight with me though, which was stopped by a bunch of councillors. Funny thing is, a few years later, he asked for forgiveness and we became good friends. After that, I liked Jassica's sister, Crystal. She called me almost everyday and stuff, and yeah, I never did anything to develop it, I don't know why. I found out later that she called me 'cause she liked me, and that we actually liked each other at the same time. Oh well?
I went on to like a few more girls after that, before finally getting attached with Zhi Xuan. Ah, my first (and only) officially real girlfriend. How did we get together? Well, the story is always a funny one, and typing it out won't give it justice, so I'll just cut a long story short. I liked a person called Sarah but I actually mistook her for Zhi Xuan, and when I finally found out I liked the wrong girl, I was like "What the hell?!". Of course, personality does prevail over looks (part of the story), so I ended up picking Zhi Xuan as my real girlfriend. Another long story short, we eventually broke up due to her constant breaking of promises and according to her, my change upon attending church. More long stories short, I liked Sarah after we broke up but it didn't go through 'cause she felt guilty taking her best friend's ex-boyfriend. Zhi Xuan hated me after this, and has never been the same since then.
I liked a few more girls with nothing noticeable happening. When I became more committed in church, I started to focus on Christian girls instead, since its not encouraged to enter a relationship with someone who's not a believer. Well, something interesting happened. I ended up liking 2 girls at the same time! Soo Wen, from my school, not a Christian, and Ho Ching, a girl in my zone, who was a Christian and looked exactly like Soo Wen, just with longer hair. It didn't help that they acted the same, looked the same and were even the same height -.-. Soo Wen took a few months to decide and eventually didn't accept, while Ho Ching eventually backslided and left church.
This hurt quite a bit, and I began to focus more on God than relationships. It worked for a while, I kept things purely at a purely friendship level with all the girls in the church and outside, but there's something that can happen when you meet a person every single week in church... you begin to like her. Although I had been in the same cellgroup as Sylvia for 4 years, I always treated her as a friend and nothing more, and I still can't believe I liked her. Feelings can't be helped, and this was no different. She overreacted completely even though I had no plans whatsoever on being with her and she became a very cold person toward me (and later on, almost everyone she knew), which led me calling her an Ice Queen. I picked that name from a Resident Evil book. Suited her freaking well. Feelings faded eventually, and although we sort of had a cold war, things warmed up after she invited me among a few others to support her in a concert she was part of. I didn't want to go, and Jonathan did, but he couldn't make it last minute and asked me to take his place. It cost quite a bit for the concert tickets, so I didn't want to pay to attend something I didn't want to, but he insisted, and I went anyway. This helped bring back the friendship a bit, but never to what it was before.
Okay... around this time I was becoming a person who did more in church. Behind the scenes especially. I was slowly beginning to take up a more leadership-ish (maybe helper-ish would be more accurate) position in the cellgroup, although subtly and slowly. I had a lot more to focus on than girls at this time. And from this point onwards, I think I need to be a little more sensitive, because the people I'm mentioning are in the present, plus they know my blog and sometimes read it! Take note that these are my feelings alright, so mentioning your name is not intended to insult you (am I
that bad?!), but just to be honest, since its in the past anyway.
Around this time, Isabel joined church and I just considered her as just another friend, who, honestly, I didn't expect to stay in church. So after seeing her come back again every week, I got to know her more and found out she knew my classmate in secondary school. This, plus the cellgroup appreciation among other times, helped develop the friendship. And I ended up liking her, without wanting to. You know, sometimes I feel my feelings are too hyper -.-. Ahem! Anyway, I knew it wouldn't work out, so I didn't do anything to develop it. I kept it quiet and told a few people though, but eventually, one big mouth (you know who you are -.-), told her and quite a few members of the zone! I found out later that 2 other guys also liked her. Funny thing how we were all helpers. Well, both of them I've never been back on good terms again with them, after other incidents (we won't sink that low because of a girl), but 3 way "competition" didn't make things better. One called her way late into the night and another confessed in front of a group of people, and what did I do? Go emo about it. Zzz. I didn't choose to like her, but knowing that other guys are going after her in such ways kinda packs a punch. To your face.
Aiks. After an period known as "ignorance" my feelings for her died off completely and the cellgroup was on the way to revival after everyone changed for the better. I was more wise about relationships and decided that if I ever liked another person, I'd shut it, 'cause they seem to be extremely popular things to spread. Suffice to say I didn't like anyone after that, but I did have a choice in mind, Jessica. I've known her since she first stepped in church and have been in the same cellgroup with her for half my years in church. She's mature and cute, but I wasn't that interested in her, even though she's bloody cute. So I considered another person, and because she reads my blog, I am not going to mention her name. I can say I did have feelings for her, because... I don't know, its just we got to know each other quite well thanks to a hell lot of circumstances. However, by this time I knew I was moving to KL already, and that it was going to be really hard to begin a relationship overseas. Although I felt that these emotions for her were more "right" than the last I dunno how many girls, moving away caused it to be left behind.
Then I moved up here. And I started hanging out with the people in CHCKL. And I met the people I met when I visited here last time. I ended up liking a girl, due to going out with her quite often, and she's the one I've been mentioning in my posts, if you've taken note. I even put her name in my blog. It's the one in Hebrew. Right now things are a little dead thanks to my assignments. And now, I'm a little confused about my feelings, to be honest. I know I like her, but I'm also a bit mixed up about my feelings for another girl. And possibly another. And to make things worse, what about that girl in Singapore? I never concluded about her did I?
Here's the thing. I have often liked girls easily, even when I didn't choose to. Sometimes (more than just the Soo Wen/Ho Ching time) I would like more than one girl at the same time. I felt weird, 'cause it didn't seem normal, and when I grew older, it seemed to be emotionally cheating in a way. But I couldn't help liking another person right? Well, I searched online and found out that other people have similar phenomena too. Then I read something that's been a comfort to me whenever I think about my "hyperactive" feelings. The author said that she knew she loved 2 guys, but had made a choice to be with the boyfriend. Although she knew she loved the other guy as well, she chose to remain faithful to her boyfriend and does not act upon her feelings for the other guy. She may have the feelings, but makes a choice in what she does.
So, am I making a choice? To a certain extent, I am. I'm focusing more on the CHCKL girl, even though I still do have feelings for the CHC SG girl. But other people are making me a little confused, to be honest. I'm very mixed up on my emotions now. Yes I make the decision to like CHCKL girl, but I can't help if other feelings get in the way right?
*Sigh* I dunno. I'm just really, really mixed up.
Congrats if you've read this far. I'll be making more serious posts on other topics in the coming days. Kudos, and it's 5am now. Good morning.
Chronicled
2:46 PM
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Sunday, November 2, 2008
Aye... had quite a good Saturday. My mom let me use the car, so it was all good =p. Heh... I drove to church after picking up June and we had service. Pastor Kevin finally came back! And he preached a message prepearing us for Arise and Build next week. Heh... I find it really interesting, that I've sowed into the building fund for both CHC SG and CHCKL. I've never considered myself as officially gone from CHC SG, although I consider myself CHCKL too, so yeah, I mean both are still part of the City Harvest family, so its not really a big deal. That's why I find it extremely annoying and immature of the people that ask me about who's better, what's nicer, and even comparing Emerge. Geez.
Anyhoo, my Friday night at Miki's place was very, very messy. It was just supposed to be a small gathering of friends but it ended up with me, Ruz and her. I planned to stay over, because I could drive from her place to church the next day, which was easier than going back to my place at night (spend 2 hours at her place for what!). However, that meant Ruz had no car to go back, and his mom didn't allow him to take public transport back. So although I picked him up, I ended up dropping him off. So after I passed the toll on the way to Miki's place, Miki called me and told me that I couldn't stay overnight 'cause her dad wasn't at home, and it would be a little inconsiderate to have me as the only male in the house. Okay, so that basically screwed up all the initial plans -.-. Just met one of her friends, Steph and later chilled out at Miki's place, where she abused my MSN account -.-. Sorry if she disturbed any of you!
Also drank sparkling grape juice (last minute replaced the alcholic drink I told her to buy) and a bit of Johnny Walker, which I didn't like that much. Vodka and tequila are still my faves! Anyhoo, speaking of alcoholic drinks, for some reason the last few days I've been having a lot of conversations about clubbing and alcohol. That reminded me of the only incident where I was drunk. I've only been drunk once in my life, the first time I went clubbing in DXO, so I learned my limit from there. What's my limit? Let's see... 4 cups of pure vodka, one vodka coke, one tube of tiger beer, almost half a bottle of chivas and green tea, and if I remember, a dry whiskey. Yeah... that was all taken within 2 hours. I entered at 11pm, drank a bit, then from midnight I drank all that till 2am, were I got kicked out 'cause I was underage and drinking =/.
Well, I learned. I was curious to see what facts I could find about alcohol... and boy, it's interesting! Take a look at this list of the different symptoms of blood alcohol content, which means how much alcohol is in your blood:
Euphoria (BAC = 0.03 to 0.12 percent) They become more self-confident or daring. Their attention span shortens. They may look flushed. Their judgement is not as good -- they may say the first thought that comes to mind, rather than an appropriate comment for the given situation. They have trouble with fine movements, such as writing or signing their name.
Excitement (BAC = 0.09 to 0.25 percent) They become sleepy. They have trouble understanding or remembering things (even recent events). They do not react to situations as quickly (if they spill a drink they may just stare at it). Their body movements are uncoordinated. They begin to lose their balance easily. Their vision becomes blurry. They may have trouble sensing things (hearing, tasting, feeling, etc.).
Confusion (BAC = 0.18 to 0.30 percent) They are confused -- might not know where they are or what they are doing. They are dizzy and may stagger. They may be highly emotional -- aggressive, withdrawn or overly affectionate. They cannot see clearly. They are sleepy. They have slurred speech. They have uncoordinated movements (trouble catching an object thrown to them). They may not feel pain as readily as a sober person.
Stupor (BAC = 0.25 to 0.4 percent) They can barely move at all. They cannot respond to stimuli. They cannot stand or walk. They may vomit. They may lapse in and out of consciousness.
Coma (BAC = 0.35 to 0.50 percent) They are unconscious. Their reflexes are depressed (i.e. their pupils do not respond appropriately to changes in light). They feel cool (lower-than-normal body temperature). Their breathing is slower and more shallow. Their heart rate may slow. They may die.
Death (BAC more than 0.50 percent) - The person usually stops breathing and dies.Geez. I can't imagine having half your blood soaked in alcohol. No wonder you die.
In small amounts, ethanol causes a mild euphoria and removes inhibitions. In large doses, ethanol acts as a central nervous system depressant and causes drunkenness, generally at a blood ethanol content of about 0.1%. At higher contents, alcohol causes intoxication, coma and death. A blood ethanol content above 0.4% can be fatal, although regular heavy drinkers can tolerate somewhat higher levels than non-drinkers. Eight to ten drinks per hour is considered a fatal dosage for the average 54 kg (119 lb.) person. One drink is equivalent to one shot of 40% abv (80 proof) liquor, one 12 US fl oz (355 ml) beer, or one 4�5 US fl oz (120�150 ml) glass of wine.This I'm a bit skeptical about. 8-10 shots of 40% alcoholic drinks and you die? You're kidding me! I had over 15 that time I was drunk and I'm still alive and breathing years after. Mind you, I drank cups, not shots. So in equivalent I possibly had 20 shots. And I wasn't drunk by that time. It took more of the other drinks to add up.
Okay... it's good to have a high tolerance level, it means I won't get drunk. On the other hand, that time I was drunk was a very fun time. You don't have a care in the world and you do all sorts of things you normally wouldn't do. Uh, not that far of course. Even as drunk as I was, I could still walk straight and talk properly. The main reason the bouncer kicked me out was because my pupils were dilated, which is an instant sign of drugs or alcohol. Pfft.
Okay okay, I'm just going on and on here. Just don't drink and drive!
Chronicled
9:19 AM
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