Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Yeah, yeah, I know an update should be posted, a real one. A what-happened-to-me-the-last-few-weeks kind. But I'm still typing it. It's saved in a draft right now, half finished. Eh, not really "half", but uh, substantial? Plus my trip in Singapore has maybe 4 lines in the draft, so far. So far.
Anyhoo, since I owe so many weeks, I thought I'd post something interesting instead, something that might make you think a bit deep perhaps?
That's my newest wristband, complete with three really sharp (and dangerous) spikes, and yeah, those are hearts in between them. Vonny and Linda bought it for me, 'cause they said when they looked at it, it reminded them of me. Black, with a lot of metal. And the spikes (I think a reference to my hair) look very hard and tough, but on the inside, I'm soft and gentle (thus, the hearts). Heck, that's an awful lot of thought into one gift eh? But I appreciate it, and I like it, seriously. I'm touched that despite the lack of occasion, they could think of me and buy me this.
The night I received the gift, for a short time the conversation was about fears. They boldly proclaimed "Howe's not afraid of anything!". Heh, I'm flattered, but they're quite close to the truth. Quite. I'm afraid of only one thing. My education? Nopes, it matters, but not to the point I'm afraid. I'm quite confident of myself. I call myself stupid, retarded and stuff at times, just to joke around... but (sorry for the lack of modesty) I am quite smart, and I've got tons of friends who say that. I know tons of stuff, general knowledge, religious, science theories. So education isn't as fearful for me as some of my friends who are in perpetual fear. My friends? Sure, I may be concerned, but fears? Nah, I'm not that paranoid. People will pick themselves up rather easily. All they need is love and a helping hand. Fear for their welfare is totally unnecessary and paranoid. Concern and love is what they need. My family? I think it's alright. Tolerable, and of course my family's completely split up, but not a fear. I've already been through the worst a family can go through.
Spiders, demons, ghosts, the dark, heights, blood... some may cause discomfort, but true fear? Nah, not scared at all. What I'm scared of, and I think I've mentioned it before, is that I'm scared of losing my faith. Scared that I might fall out with God and forget everything He's done for me, and my life as a Christian. So if I was an atheist, I'd have no fear, none at all. That's ironic. That we are to have no fear while in a relationship with God, but losing Him is my only fear and a lack of belief in him would release me from any fear. And no, for you wannabe-theologians, the "fear of God" is not a real fear, its about a respect towards God. I find it funny of atheists who don't believe in a god but fear the dark. Such a strong assurance there's no god but fearful uncertainty something might be hiding in a dark corner. Neither of which they can see.
So I was checking out a link that talked about how guys show their love. A lot of it matched with what those relationship sermons talked about in church. Then there was a link to another article, about what men fear. I clicked on it, curious to see what they would put. I was very assured that I had none of their fears, and my only fear would be the one I keep mentioning. And lo and behold, I saw that it was true, I didn't have any of the fears they listed down. Well... at least for now. Some of the more noticeable ones were "Am I making enough for my family?", "Am I pleasuring my wife enough in sex?", "Will I be a good dad?" and "Do I have enough to get my kids through their education?". All very legitimate questions, and none that apply to me, so naturally I've got none of those fears.
But... what about in the future? Unless I'm Bill Gates or doing extremely well, these fears will crop up. And while I was reading this, a lot of other things popped up in my mind, all that could be fears in the future. What if my wife gets a miscarriage? What if my child is born deformed in some way, mentally or physically? I know it takes a lot of love, patience and courage to raise up a child like that, and what if I'm scared and ashamed of my own kid? What if I don't have the virtues to take care of someone like that? And that led me to death. Yeah, sorry, mind wanders wildly. What if I die early? I said I'm not scared about my own death, it's a non-issue for me, if it happens it happens. But if I'm married and have my own family, and I die, there's gonna be a fear of what's going to happen to them. What if my kids are born normal, but turn out to to be as bad as my sister? Heck, what if they're worse? And what if I get a divorce? I've already said I never want to end up like my parents and let my kids go through a divorce. But no couples get married to have a divorce. It just happens along the way. And if it does happen? I'd have failed in my marriage. That's another fear. I don't wanna raise up my kids like my parents raised up me. Now don't get me wrong, my parents raised me up fine, very well I'd say. But there are many aspects I don't wanna follow in raising up my kids (stupid superstitions and religious persecution top this).
Now, I've got no reason to fear about any of this. At all. Maturity isn't about age, but your acceptance and dedication towards responsibility. At that age, people will wise up, 'cause they have to. Now, I can relax, enjoy, slack, wake up anytime I want, go clubbing and hit on any girl I want (benefits of being single). In the future, I won't be able to hit on any girl. I'll have to be faithful (nevermind, go clubbing with my girlfriend then! Lol). I'll needa take her into consideration. Need to spend some money on her, leaving less to myself. I can't go around getting the contacts of other girls anymore, 'cause I doubt my girlfriend would approve of that. Shallow as it sounds, I'm actually quite proud of the fact I've been able to get the contacts of every single girl I've asked (mostly strangers) successfully, with one exception (I was pressured to do that in the first place, against my will).
But I'm single, and marriage issues are still a long way off. Unless I fulfill that damn promise to GT Zone about my marriage, then it's only a few years off. So I've got very little to fear now. Only one, and I've mentioned it above. So the next time someone says I have no fear, believe them, but just with one exception.
But once I get a girlfriend, you might start to question the truth of that statement. When I get married, begin to doubt that statement. Hmmm... actually, let's just see how my life is like at that time. Then we'll see whether doubting it is wise.
Oh, one last thing. That article was linked to another article that just made me laugh. Here's the most interesting part: US$ 16 billion is spent a year on lingerie. The average woman has 9 bras (6 worn regularly) but 90% of all females in the world have the wrong bra size. "Nuff said.