Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I just finished playing Silent Hill: Shattered Memories. It's something new alright, coming from Silent Hill. Not used to it, but it was fun in its own way, and the flow of the story is totally brilliant although it was disappointingly short. Anyway, you find out in the end that all you've done, everything you've played is just someone's imagination. Cheryl's dad has died 18 years before, but the game (and thus, her imagination) are treated as real (until the very, very end). Cheryl was too young to properly know her father, and so dreamed up an ideal of what he was like. This forms your character in the game. Also, there's a couple in the game that break up later on. The girl thought she was in love with the guy, but she was only in love with her idea of him, not who he really was. You'll see why I'm emphasizing this point towards the end of this post.
Things have been awkward, in a good way, the last few weeks. Although I have good conversations with people all the time, it's been happening non-stop since this year began. I'm just sitting down and having a great time fellowshipping with the people in church, in school and in other places. Making friends and knowing people has always been easy to me. I've got a sense of humour, which helps. I've always been good at talking, and having conversations. Of course, there's the occasional day I don't have the mood, but it hasn't happened yet this year. I've been having great chats with a lot of people. One more noticeable awkward thing is that people I don't normally chat with that often are beginning to talk to me more. Classmates I don't even say a word to for a few weeks start a conversation with me. Some people in church I don't know really well approach me and begin just having a chat. It's good, but its also strange, because this doesn't happen normally.
Also, even though it's only the 2nd month of the year (time DOES fly when you get older!), there's even more talks about me and leadership! Aiks! AGAIN! After service last week I had a brief chat with Keith and he said something along the lines of "You're a reader. You can be a leader..." and some other stuff. Too lazy to explain the "reader" part. Imagine the second-man in the church saying that. Holds a lot of weight.
I've also realized that leaders usually have charisma in their own way, whether it be practical, emotional, relational or intellectual. In church, there's a group of people I call the "typical City Harvester", it's kinda hard to explain how they are, but normally these people become fervent leaders and have a very goody sense of humour, but are normally quite conservative. A lot of leaders I know fall under this category. Others are more motherly, fatherly, brotherly, sisterly. I consider these to be under relational. There's a small number who are intellectual. But one thing they all have is charisma. Only a very, very small number of leaders have no charisma whatsoever in any sense.
So, although I'm still averse to the idea of me being a leader in any place, it just got me thinking, do I have charisma? Charismatic people are usually influential people who are usually respected. The more suave are charming. Quite often I've heard people saying that they would like certain aspects of my life to be in theirs. A few have even said they envy me. I'm truly, truly honoured, seriously. Considering the way I've lived in just 20 years, I'm very surprised to hear that. That's normally the kinda thing you hear in your middle aged and elder years.
But do you seriously want to live my life? To have what I have? Think through very carefully. I don't tell things only because people don't ask. Sometimes there are things in my life that I don't think are worth others time. Some things aren't worth our breath. Other things, I will tell others. And when it comes to friends, I'll probably bring it up. I live my life with total transparency, so if a casual acquaintance asks something personal, I will tell also, because I've got nothing to hide. Only if I don't like a person, obviously I won't tell. People like Porn Adib, and Far Pee Aimer. And a few other sneaks who read my blog just to gossip about stuff, but care about nothing else except the "juicy bits". You know who you are. I have a blog tracker embedded in my code you know. Sorry, a bit of a rant there.
Anyhoo, since no one asks, there's plenty of things about me that people don't know. A lot of these people are under the impression I live a happy, normal life, moving from Canada, to Johor, to Singapore, to Kuala Lumpur. That I have seen a lot and experienced many cultures. Trust me, I have, and it's enriching. On the flipside, there's a darker aspect of my life. Things I'm not that proud of, but are something major.
But you truly envy my life? You would like certain aspects of my life in yours? You sure?
You'd need to attempt suicide to the point you lost count. You'd need to be depressed for a long time. You'd need to have your parents divorce. You'd need to have your own sister try and kill your mother. You'd have to have a very broken family. You'd need to be the only link between each of your original family members. You'd need to endure the bitchings your parents say to you about each other, and endure their criticisms of you when you defend either of them. You'd need to have several close friends stop becoming friends, and severing ties. You'd need to lose contact with almost all your friends from the first half of your your years in your life. You'd need to attempt to set your friend on fire. You'd need to attend many funerals. You'd need to watch your own grandfather die in front of you. And a lot of other crap. This is a very, very brief list. If you can't accept this, then you won't want the details.
Of course there's a lot of happiness and joy in my life. But those are the positive things that everybody knows. Every single decision and event in my life has shaped me to be who I am today. If you really envy my life, think carefully with the darker aspects. You'll most probably be happier with your own life.