Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
New Years Resolutions.
They are so common and so failed. Every year I hear people making resolutions and 90% (okay... 99% seems more realistic) of them fail. I myself don't take resolutions seriously, and mostly only for fun. The resolutions I make are carefully thought out most of the times, but I've never been really serious in fulfilling them. When I do, however, I'm quite pleased, but they're not really a priority. It's just something to keep in mind, and a nice aim, but not a necessity.
I do have two resolutions this year though, and as with all years, take it with a punch of salt. Uh, I mean pinch. That was an actual typo I kept because it just got me laughing. Lmao. Anyway, since it's only two, I'll go into details on them.
1) Blog at least once a week.
I'm quite proud of being a blogger that has lasted so many years. My blogging is not a matter of trying to entertain people as celebrity bloggers do, and I have no actual contracts that force me to blog. I blog when I want, and when I can. Although in the last few years it's slowed down quite a bit, I still blog. And when I see that all my friend's blogs are dead, it gives me a sense of satisfaction as well.
However, that's not the main point. Previously my blog was opened just because everyone else did it. I went along with the hype. Then it became a place to type in all my daily events, which I still do. It also became a place where I could rant, explode, question, answer and put funny stuff. I did the same with friends, but blogging is your own words, typed in that time frame and mindset. It's very amusing to read back on old entries and see what you were like. And pretty often, how much you've changed. I read back some old entries and I realized that I was a horrible Christian in my very early times. Heck, I was still a Creationist that time, that's 'nuff said. I had a severe lack of knowledge as compared to now, and I was immature in several aspects. All that has changed now. Perhaps 10 years from now, I will read about my current self and laugh again.
So now I see blogging as a place to store my memories. A place to store my views, opinions, happenings, events. As a reader of many apologetic and atheistic works, the historical veracity and accuracy of the Bible is something that always comes up. I realize how important it is to have accurate, verifiable (to a certain extent), and true posts. All my posts involving my daily life are true. Never have I lied in this blog. I might make some mistakes, such as calculating the score of a basketball game wrong by maybe a point or so, or mess up a person's name I met that day itself, but I have never made a post to deceive, without saying it was for that intent later (and they're always for humours sake). If I have successes, I write them down. If I fail at something, I also write them down. I have never shied away when I had lost, or when I felt really pathetic at certain things.
Also, I have arguments with friends, events and discussions which I bring up here, and later on it serves as a very useful tool in finding the accurate date or place something happened. Several times I've had discussions with friends only to mention something we forgot before, and I'd find out on my blog later on the details. Very useful. And also very useful is when you keep arguments and what people have said, and you make them eat their own words when they deny they said something. MSN chat logs? Facebook chats? Email correspondence? All kept. For sentimental value, sure. But also as a record for accuracy on what they said before. And as a weapon to blast them with if they should deny it in the future. Same goes with my blog.
I don't have phobias and the such, of normal or strange things. Not scared of heights, blood, clowns, balloons or peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth, a fear of the number 666 or a fear of Friday the 13th's. But I do have worries. I worry about if I ever have a child, if he/she will end up like my sister. I worry that when my parents grow old I need to support them, and how shall I do it while living within my means. These are minor and at the back of my head at this time, but they will be major issues in the future. But there are things I worry about now as well. Chief among them is a worry of—well, I guess fear is a better word here—losing my memories. I have said it many times. Imagine if I lost my memory. What would I forget? What if I forget who I am? What if I forget all the skills and knowledge I've learned so much in recent years? What if I forget my parents, friends and God? There's no guarantee that I will re-learn everything again. That I will become the same person I am now. What if I take a different route in life, and end up somewhere or as someone who I currently would not want to be? That my personality completely changes into somebody that I dread to be?
Blogging would at least keep my memories, my viewpoints, and many little things in life that you just don't remember at the top of your head. Plus, reading it later on might just remind me of something that happened long ago, and provide entertainment. Or it might remind me of a friend I have not seen in ages, and to propose a meet up. Little things. All from my blog.
Plus, I still have friends reading my blog. Surprisingly it still numbers in the 20s on average. I am honoured that people would take the time off to read about my life and views. I can entertain them to an extent, perhaps teach something, and at least give them something to read. All the while storing my own record.
2) Get attached.
I want a girlfriend, simple as that. Lol.
I have been single for 9 years already. And apparently it shocks many people. Ha, I guess I should feel pretty pleased with myself that people find it awkward I'm not attached, and haven't been for so long. It's something that people ask and comment all the time. "How come he's still single?", "When are you going to get attached?", "I thought you're not a virgin already." and stuff like that. Very funny and amusing, but also a constant reminder that I'm still single. Well, can't really blame me (sort of). I moved away from Khar Loo. Tiffany had a boyfriend. Cindy brought Chee Meng along. Kai Yih had a boyfriend without telling me. Shana moved to the US. Sze Ying is still unresolved. Jerrine moved to the UK. Geez.
However, I'm not desperate for a girlfriend. It's not like I'll die not being attached (I've already been single 9 years), but I'm working, I've got finances, and I can manage my time pretty well. I think I'm ready, as I have been thinking for many, many years already. It's just I'm not hard up for it to the extent I'll actively chase somebody and woo her, buy her gifts and stuff. Nah, it'll be more like flirt here, flirt there... if there's chemistry, and we're both attracted, I'll work on it. If not, it doesn't matter.
I remember I once blogged, or typed somewhere the list of qualities in a girlfriend I would like. I found it in my older entry... July 3, 2007.
She must be: Caring, a Christian, empathetic, physical (like doesn't mind holding hands in public), someone I love (duh).
She cannot: smoke, take drugs (HA), be a retard, be stingy, be stuck up, be 4 years older than me, be 5 years younger than me, be 5cm+ taller than me (that'd just be embarassing).
Preferably: Long hair (don't know, I just find they look better), same church, shorter than me, pretty, decent education, independant yet dependant at times, able to teach me what she loves (I like to learn new things).
I don't know how the hell I misspelled dependent. Geez. Anyway, I suppose I've gotten more picky, because that old list seems a bit general. Quite a lot of things still stand though, but I think there's a lot of other things I consider deal-breakers. I shall follow it's style, and update it. And I shall elaborate below. I've left out obvious things like honesty, fidelity, love and the typical stuff, 'cause its more or less a given in a proper relationship (and I severely hate lies).
She must be: Physical, intelligent, funny, caring, empathetic, open-minded, liberal (does not apply to theology though), outgoing, able to drink alcohol, able to hang out and chill, tell me about my faults, logical (but it's a woman, so this is a bit subjective), be able to hang out with my friends, compromising on important matters (it is inevitable on certain matters), be able to take constructive criticism.
She cannot: smoke, take drugs, be a retard (like not knowing who Hitler is), be stingy to an extreme extent, be above 10 years older than me, be below 10 years younger than me, be 5cm and above taller than me, be an extreme introvert, be unable to hang out with my friends, be polyamorous, be conservative, narrow-minded, blindly believe a belief system with no evidence, superstitious, be an annoying whiner.
Preferably: Long hair, a Christian, same church, shorter than me, witty, pretty, able to dress well, likes the same music I do, able to help me learn new things (activities and academically), not sexually active before marriage, a reader, a gamer, well-versed in literature, a heavy drinker, supportive, carefree, wears miniskirts or hot shorts, be able to play sports.
Uh huh... definitely quite a few more points than before. Sure, it's picky, but there's many reasons why I've become more picky. And I'll explain them in the elaborations.
She must be physical. Because if I have a girlfriend, it's someone I want to hold, touch and all. Physical touch may not be her primary love language, but to at least reciprocate and enjoy it is very important to me. I can't imagine a relationship where we're together and we don't touch each other at all in any way. Neither do I want someone who's ashamed to hold hands in public. She must be intelligent, because I cannot stand stupid people, what more my girlfriend. I don't expect her to be an Einstein, but I do expect her to have basic common sense and knowledge in many things, which I understand is subjective, but most people have a general idea of a "smart" person, and I want her to be that. Caring, empathetic and outgoing are basic traits and need no explanation. Able to drink alcohol. I'm not saying she has to be a guzzler of alcohol. I just want her to be able to drink, and hold her own liquor. Drinking has become a very important social activity, and I would be hard-pressed if she would not join in on the fun. Plus its a major activity with tons of friends, and it'll leave her out if she doesn't drink. And if I drink, what's she going to do? Sit there and do nothing? Able to hang out and chill because there was once a girl who liked me but was basically a slave to her parents and wasn't able to go out. I love going out and hanging out. If she can't do that? Then what can I do? Go to her house everyday? Not go on dates? What's that going to lead to? I don't expect her to go out every single night, but at least be a chilling person to hang out outside at times (frequent times, I hope), and with my friends, as they are a big part of my life. I want her to tell me about my faults, because I've seen many relationships where one side has an issue but can't or doesn't want to bring it up to the other half. And thus it causes problems. I don't want that. I want her to tell me my faults, so I know what I do wrong, and how I can change. It's better for me, and it'll be better for the relationship. She must be able to accept this as well from me, and so I want her to be able to handle it. She must also be liberal because I myself am very liberal, and if she was conservative, it'd lead to many, many problems, some of which would have extremely dire consequences in the dynamics of friends, mindsets and such. I also want her to keep an open mind. Basically, someone who knows how to have fun, and doesn't take herself too seriously.
She cannot smoke or take drugs. I am surrounded by smokers daily, and I can't stand the smell. Worse still that the person I want to be with smokes as well. Kissing a mouth like that is going to be bad-tasting for me. Not to mention she'd smell like tobacco. I do not want a girl who smokes. Smoked prior? Fine. Smoked a stick before? Okay. So long she has quit. If she continues to smoke while with me? No thanks. I don't have a problem with smokers. I just don't want my girlfriend to smoke. Drugs for obvious reasons. I don't want an addict who spends all her money to get high and possibly overdose and die. Be a retard because like I said I can't stand unintelligent people. Being with someone constantly, who doesn't even know who Hitler is would severely limit many topics, and drive me insane due to the lack of common knowledge. Yes, there are many people like this in the world, and I can socialize with them very well. However, I do not want my girlfriend to be among them. Be stingy to an extreme extent because I want someone who is capable of generosity. I understand that some people are more open with their money and some less, so I understand if she's a bit more cautious with her money. But to an extreme extent is something bloody hard to change in a person and that would show a lack of generosity, a trait I would like her to have. Cannot be above 10 years older or 10 years younger than me. I changed the age limit because Sze Ying was 5 years older than me, and I liked her, wanting to get together. I put it at 10+ and 10- because that seems like a generous age gap to have. Anything higher than 10+ and I'm quite possibly getting together with someone who's in their midlife, a decade away from menopause. Way too old. And anything younger than 10+ would seem very pedophile-ish to me. That's the limit. Be 5cm taller than me. I state this because I don't want a girl who I need to look up at, and even worse if she wears high heels. I'm not a very tall guy, and most girls don't want someone shorter than them anyway, so for ego sakes and what most girls want, I don't want a taller girlfriend, although this borders on preference. She cannot be polyamorous. I state this because I have a polyamorous friend, and although I know about the many benefits of polyamory, and their rights to love and all, I myself am not polyamorous. Just as I am not gay and won't get into a relationship with a guy, even though I respect gay people and their right to get attached with the same gender, I am not polyamorous and so would not want my girlfriend to be one. Because I would not love another in a relationship with her. It would not be true polyamory anyway, even if I allowed a third person into the relationship. She cannot be narrow-minded because I HATE that, and do not want the person I am with to have a mindset like that. Changing it will be near-impossible so I would just skip her instead, and same goes for being conservative, except theologically. I also don't want her to believe in any faith, religion, or atheism blindly. There are dumb people of religious sides and atheistic sides who blindly accept anything that agrees with their notion, which they themselves have barely looked through. Aside of being unable to have proper dialogue when it comes to sensitive subjects, it shows a stuck up mind that won't change as well, and this applies to superstition. Lastly, I do not want her to be a whiner. I can't stand whining. Bring up a problem. Talk about a situation. Yell or scream if it deserves it. Do not whine.
I would want a girl who preferably has long hair. I don't know, I just seem to be attracted to girl's with long hair. Not to say I haven't liked girls with short hair before (Joreen would be a good example, and Soo Wen, and Ho Ching). Preferable shorter than me for the reasons stated above. Preferably pretty because, hey, who doesn't want their girlfriend to be pretty? I would also hope that she's witty because I love that in a girl, and it apparently is a bit rare in Malaysian girls, or at least the ones I've met. I can just imagine the banter... Okay, on with the elaborations. Likes the same music I do, because I have a huge variety of music I like, ranging from metal to Mozart. However, metal is a slightly higher preference, and I would hope that my girlfriend could enjoy that too. Help me learn new things because I like to try out new things, new challenges and dares. If she can introduce me to something she likes, I'm all for it if I can learn something out of it. Also I'd love it if she could teach me something I don't know. Unless it turns to highly specialized topics such as metal, anime or cooking, generally I am the one who shares new things and information with other people. Science, religion, literature, history, geology, space, IT, world affairs, politics... let's just say its a wide spectrum, and I arrogantly can claim that I know a lot more than most people. But there are many things I still do not know as well, and if she can teach me, I would gladly learn. A reader and well-versed in literature because as I love reading, I hope she does too, and I can know more books and stuff from her. Supportive and carefree are basic things. A heavy drinker because, well, I am too, and I'd like to see my girlfriend drink well, I assume it would make things more fun. Be able to play sports because even though my basketball sessions are bloody irregular and much, much less frequent, I'd hope she'd play instead of sitting and watching. I once played basketball with Zhi Xuan as my teammate. We faced off against the couple Adrian and Li Hui, plus Alvin Lim along with them. Needless to say we were horribly trashed, but it was fun. Wears miniskirts and hot shorts. Like I said, these are preferences. I like hot legs, more so than most parts of the body, so this is just a bonus. That attire gets my attention easily, and naturally I'd like it if my girlfriend could wear what I find visually pleasing.
Lastly, the more controversial issues. Sexually active and Christian. I am still a virgin. Thankfully. Even though most guys would not agree. Haha. That's fine. I choose to remain one for religious reasons. As a devout Christian, this is one of the harder things to keep, and it's tempting at times to let loose if there's a chance. So far, I have not had sex, and I want to keep it that way till I am married. For me, it doesn't matter whether my girlfriend is a virgin or not. Doesn't affect me. Past sexual histories are just something I may be curious about, and perhaps a bit of information on her past, but not something to judge her by. If she is adamant on remaining sexually active, I need to worry. I can reject all I want, but what if I get seduced? By my own girlfriend of all people? I assume she'll know what makes me click, and know how to use that, if she's sneaky. Sure, you can say that then she doesn't respect my wishes and pledges, but the same stigma doesn't apply to guys, so nor shall I apply it to girls as well. She may well take sex a lot more lightly than I do. But neither do I want her to be a prude. I would hate that. I want her to know that she herself is attractive, and can be sexy if she wants to. Of course, this is all assumptions, and as I said, preferences. Same church for obvious reasons, as we can attend services together and go out with the cellgroups and church members. Plus we'll share more or less similar religious values and thinking towards the church, so it'll be a lot easier than being with an atheist who thinks its all crap. And of course, to be a Christian. This is the more interesting one, as I moved it from a must, to a preferable. One reason is that I get more liberal as years go by, and I suppose this affects my religious leanings. Secondly, I am finding it harder to find an open-minded Christian girl who's intelligent and liberal; knowledgeable. I know a lot of liberal Christians in church. The vast majority aren't smart. However, I seem to be meeting a lot of smart, liberal, intelligent and attractive girls outside of church, and most of them aren't Christians. Very frustrating -.-. However I want a Christian girlfriend, so that we can complement each other spiritually, that she can understand properly of why I believe, go to church, give to the church, and other things that people outside of church at flat out not going to understand, even if they try. And if I get an atheistic or non-believing girlfriend? What if I explain my reasons for believing (which all my friends do not question anymore after hearing the evidence) and she chooses not to believe? Is that ignorance (which I severely hate) on her part? Sure, I can respect her lack of belief. But that will lead to questions on other things which aren't so easily phased with "respect". Plus, let's say we have children, how are we going to raise them? With two extreme polar opposites in beliefs? If it ever goes that far, I know there's a certain level of compromise. It's just, how far? So I still want a Christian girlfriend, despite it being a longshot, with the qualities I want. Conversion is still possible, although I'm not banking on that, but considering the circumstances, well, yeah. Although its not a must as it was a few years back, it's still a very major thing, and borders (and also leaning) on dealbreaker if she's not a Christian.
Well... that was a really long post. To make up for my lack of posts. Anyway, you know what's the worst part? Most people don't end up with someone who fits their list anyway. Lol. Dang.