Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Friday, May 11, 2012
I can't sleep.
Confused, confused, confused.
My head hurts. Um, figuratively.
Where do I start? How do I begin? I've been arguing with myself for the last few days. All this rush of emotions has only been around the last few days! Perhaps slightly over a week at most. Emotions, emotions... boy, its been a really long time since you've actually screwed with my head. Long time no see.
This post might no make sense. I'll just type as I go along... my point will come through somewhere.
I have long considered myself as someone with logic and reasoning, with evidence, science and making sense in general. And that has kept me grounded in reality and logic where emotions tear others apart. Of course, I am human, and I'm not void of emotions. I have plenty. It's just that I know how to keep a grounded view, and not overthink things that don't require too much thought. I know how to solve and answer so many problems my friends have; things they fail to see because they're emotional. As I see things more clearly, not going through it, and having it grounded in logic, I make sense with my answers. Thankfully, they see it later on when they have a clearer head. And so people turn to me for advice on almost every single thing. I'm honoured, but obviously not perfect. Sometimes people have told me I'm too logical, and too much of something isn't always good. It isn't most of the time.
And of course the most major matters are usually about relationships. Be it boyfriend/girlfriend, flings, affairs or crushes, I always have a word to say when they ask. And I am clear-headed because I'm not in those influx of emotions. Yet I have been in love before, and I've liked many girls before. I've come a long way since I hit puberty and so casually liked girls. Emotions and raging hormones? I'm a lot clearer with what I want in a partner now. And that has kept me very grounded for many years. From Tiffany onwards, up to Jerrine, I may have had feelings but it was never enough to screw with my head. The closest was Kai Yih, who I was deeply attracted to. Apparently the rest of the cellgroup saw that I spoke to her differently, smiled like an idiot at her sometimes and always kept going to her home. It was very obvious to them. But still I didn't have this head-over-heels thing for her. Nearing it at some points, but not up to that point. I was still very grounded. And when I found out that she had a boyfriend the entire time without telling me, that grounded reality made it easy to go through. I wasn't really emotionally hurt as I thought I would've, discovering something so serious. I took it easily as something that I should've taken note of.
However, very (extremely) recently, I have had this giddy rush, this joyful happiness and a bunch of confusing emotions I haven't felt in so many years. I have been saying for quite some time that I'm picky, and that I want an intelligent girl that is attractive. Someone who can accept and give constructive criticism. Preferably a Christian. And for so many years, I didn't find anyone like that. Tiffany was very smart and extremely witty, but she had a boyfriend and was a staunch atheist, not to mention I moved to KL. Cindy wasn't smart, but she was very pretty and very outgoing and fun. Shana was witty and pretty. Kai Yih was very pretty, but not smart in any sense. Sze Ying was just really sweet, without much brains. Jerrine was pretty, witty and very fun to talk to. But she moved away before I really got to know her. In all these cases they had perhaps a few of the major points I wanted, but nothing else, on my part it was just attraction. For my New Year's resolution in wanting a girlfriend, I posted a bunch of qualities I wanted. It was a long list, and naturally not very realistic to find someone so easily who had all these points. Not to mention I was aware that most people don't fall for people who have the qualities in their list. A look at the girls I've liked in the past easily shows that. And same goes with so many friends who get attached around me.
So, just to recap, partially for myself, lets see wat my list was.
She must be: Physical, intelligent, funny, caring, empathetic, open-minded, liberal (does not apply to theology though), outgoing, able to drink alcohol, able to hang out and chill, tell me about my faults, logical (but it's a woman, so this is a bit subjective), be able to hang out with my friends, compromising on important matters (it is inevitable on certain matters), be able to take constructive criticism.
She cannot: smoke, take drugs, be a retard (like not knowing who Hitler is), be stingy to an extreme extent, be above 10 years older than me, be below 10 years younger than me, be 5cm and above taller than me, be an extreme introvert, be unable to hang out with my friends, be polyamorous, be conservative, narrow-minded, blindly believe a belief system with no evidence, superstitious, be an annoying whiner.
Preferably: Long hair, a Christian, same church, shorter than me, witty, pretty, able to dress well, likes the same music I do, able to help me learn new things (activities and academically), not sexually active before marriage, a reader, a gamer, well-versed in literature, a heavy drinker, supportive, carefree, wears miniskirts or hot shorts, be able to play sports.
Quite a list eh? Picky eh? Not realistic eh? Yet I think I've fallen for someone who fits almost all of this. I am talking of course, about Sharon. Yes, her, the one I've been going out with so much the last few months, and even more so the last week. Out of everything she must be and preferably is, Sharon fits almost every single one. And the only negative thing I don't want is that she smokes. Apart from that, she fits my list near perfect. I've only known her since November last year, and we were never tight until the last 2 months. She gave me a blowjob (it's a drink) on Joseph's birthday and that was our only social event together that time. I only got to know her around mid-March this year, when Joseph invited a bunch of us to go for Underoath's gig. Sharon went for it, being quite active in the gig, and excited. Then after talking about our band stuff in front of her, she said she wanted to join the band. And so, after our first jamming session she's invited to me join her for drinks at Changkat almost every week since. And we've become extremely close.
She's shared so many things about her life to me, to the point that I know her intimately. And I've done the same as well, by sharing lots of stuff. But then again, I don't hide anything about myself, so meh. Anyway, lots of friends have been asking me whether I like Sharon, and I have honestly said no. She was just someone really fun to be with. Later on as I got to know her a lot better I realized she fit practically everything on my list. Yet fitting your list does not make you like someone. I really still didn't like her in that sense, although she was getting to be a much closer friend than I envisioned. I was fine with that. Who doesn't like making more close friends? Only last week or so, did I start getting this weird giddy feeling whenever she SMSed me. It's like your heart skips a little when you see a text from her. And it stops when she calls. And due to going out so much with her, it's happened a lot. The heightening feelings of all this perhaps trace back to when Sharon and I went out to Changkat ourselves. Just both of us talking about so much, drinking and enjoying each other's company. And it heightened exponentially when we went out to Mid Valley to watch The Lady. It was fun, and really enjoyable. Just both of us walking around, talking about countless thngs, playing in the arcades, teasing each other, and watching the movie. It was like I had a girlfriend all over again, minus holding hands and that sort of stuff. Almost the kinda stuff I used to do with Zhi Xuan last time, except with much more matured minds and money. But yeah... in simplicity, it felt like I had a girlfriend all over again. And of course how I've missed those feelings. Going out on dates, clubbing, and all that stuff. Stimulating as they are, pleasurable and enjoyable; and for the girls I liked, helping to establish the attraction, it just didn't hit the same level as this simple "date". It was just really comfortable, and I had a great time. Playing shooting games and racing games in the arcade with the girl you like. How simple, yet so enjoyable. And very fun.
Staying over in her place also established a comfort level, in a sense. And adding the fact that she allowed me to take her car back to my place. Not to mention all the times I've been driving her while she was sleeping or drunk (or both). There's a level of trust there. But then again, people seem to trust me really easily, so it's not exactly unique. But still, it's there. She can make countless dirty jokes and I do the same, without any discomfort. Adding on to make me more enamoured is the fact that we've been SMSing each other everyday since my birthday, for the entire day, up to the wee hours on some days. And that stupid heart-skipping thing happens everytime I see her name.
And so goes the thoughts in my head. I picture us being together, I picture us not being friends anymore, I picture a lot of things. And they keep recurring in my head. It's a pleasure yet annoying. I have not slept well since this attraction to her. I just keep going over things said, things done, things possible in the future, things that could go wrong. I keep going over to pictures of her taken from my phone, staring blindly. I have not had this rush of emotions in years! It's weird, yet disturbingly pleasant at the same time. It's messing with my head, messing with my logic. I told others how to solve their issues, think clearly, and it's easy because I'm not clouded with emotions. Granted, I still see clearly, much more so than in previous years and certainly a lot better than many other people, but still, it has clouded me. I'm doing the things, stupid sentimental things that I laughed at. Other people could do it, sure, but for me? No. Yet here I am, doing that.
Yet there is much baggage. My reasoning and logic tell me there's issues she needs to deal with in full, and my emotions tell me I can be the one who helps her deal with this. This is just one in a series of arguments that I am having with myself. And because I am me, even my emotional aspects have some basis. So I argue with myself. And arrogant as it is to say, I am pretty damn good in arguing with others. What more myself. When I questioned myself, I answer myself. Then I poke holes in my own fallacies, if there are any. Pfft.
Haha, and if all this wasn't messing with my head enough... and I saw something.
It's just one of those stupid quotes/motivation stuff you see all the time. This was from 9gag.
Yet due to convenience of timing, it's so applicable. Divine eh? Coincidence? Stupidity? Oh geez.
But as I said, I will not actively chase a girl, wooing her with gifts, flowers and stuff. I will stand by what I said. See what happens, and if there's chemistry, then we'll see what works. I have enough clarity to stick with that at least.