Thursday, November 30, 2023

My mom died.

I wrote those 3 words last year a while after my mom passed and I just left it. Not words I thought I'd type out so soon, especially since I only left Malaysia a few years back. But I've been struggling to write this post for some time. I was slogging in my blog updates last year and was planning on writing more when this happened. Completely didn't want to record any of it down as I wanted to avoid reliving the memories. But... it's important, and I do want to detail what happened and what I felt. It's been a little over a year since. And, well, I just thought I feel I'm at a time when I can probably pen down everything without crying. So yeah. This'll be a long post.

I was driving to work in the morning, on August 16, and my music was interrupted by a Facebook call. Since my car's bluetooth can't pick up Facebook calls like regular calls, I couldn't tell who was calling, only that it was interrupting my music and my phone was vibrating. I wasn't in a safe spot to check my phone and I was only a few minutes from reaching the office, so I thought I'd check my phone once I reached work to find out what was going on. After parking I looked at my phone and saw my cousin Xinni had called me 3 times, and dropped me a message saying that at 4pm their time, my mom was admitted to the hospital for a stroke. She was found collapsed by a friend who was supposed to meet her up for a meal. My stomach sank, my heart froze and I had a really hard time concentrating on anything at work. I was constantly on my phone, trying to get updates, sending voice messages, calling people to find out what was going on and how bad it was. Eventually my maternal grandaunt updated me, saying my mom was stable and that my uncle Teck Wai visited her. She was slurring in speech but mentally was okay. It relieved me, but I was still a wreck. Onion called and asked how I was after I told her and I broke down crying in the break room. I went to my boss and asked if I could take the day off because of what happened and was given leave. My boss tried to help me feel better by talking about her relatives who had strokes, and after challenges, managed to pull through.

This picture broke my heart.

I went home and just sat at the sofa, numb and unable to really do anything except scroll through my phone or solve the Rubik's cube over and over. It felt inappropriate to play video games or watch movies. Like, I shouldn't be entertaining myself while my mom was recovering from a stroke. So I just mindlessly did stuff to occupy my time. I kept telling myself that my mom was recovering and stable so I should calm down, but internally I was panicking over what I could do. I managed to arrange a video call at 5am my time with her through Xinni and her dad, uncle Vincent. I had a hard time sleeping, and was constantly tossing and turning the whole night until the alarm woke me up. My mom slurred heavily, and had to constantly wipe the saliva from her mouth, but the fact that she was talking to me made me so relieved. I was torn between wanting to talk much more to spend time with her, but I also didn't want to say so much, because she would need to respond, which she was struggling with, and also because she seemed very tired and I wanted her to rest. Updated her a bit on what we were doing, and how she was doing in the hospital. She said they were treating her well and she was fine. After 15 minutes or so, I asked her to rest up and that I'd call her again tomorrow. I went to bed, feeling better I had talked to her and that she was stable...

...Only to wake up in the morning and hear that she had a second stroke while I was asleep. I was mentally drained. Onion tried to keep me occupied by chatting and seeing how I was, encouraging me and cooking for me. Again, I didn't feel it was appropriate to do anything entertaining, so most of the day was spent scrolling mindlessly and solving the Rubik's cube again while waiting for updates. I felt completely helpless and on edge, wondering what could be done. I was incensed that with all the observation and in a hospital she had a second stroke. Eventually I was told that there would be a potential surgery to clear the blockage in her brain, and if that blockage wasn't cleared, she would suffer another stroke soon again. But it would cost RM40,000. The next of kin had to sign and agree to the hospital charges, and I was on the other side of the world. I verbally agreed and wondered how to pay off the massive bill. Thankfully, my uncle Teck Wai signed the papers and they said they'd worry about the money later; life-saving operation first. The operation would be done in the middle of the night my time, so I would be asleep while it was going on. We managed to arrange a video call right before she was being prepped to go into operation. I cried, seeing all the tubes around her and her slurring. She only had a few seconds to speak. I told her I loved her, that I always would, to take care and that I wished her well for the operation, and we'd chat again after she was done. She also teared up, managed a few weak words and nodded before we hung up. If I was sleepless the night before, even more so this night. My mind was racing, panicking and worrying, bracing for the worst and hoping for the best. Around 4 or 5am, Onion woke me up and told me the surgery was a success! In fact, the operation had gone even more smoothly than expected and it finished faster and easier than their initial predictions. Great. I could sleep better. I woke up, groggy and exhausted as hell, but happy that the surgery went well. My mood was better, and I felt considering the good news, it was time for me to relax a little after being tense the last few days. I allowed myself to play games on the PS4 and the waifu was cooking breakfast for us. And then I received a message from uncle Vincent saying that there was a complication with my mom and to call him ASAP. My heart sank. What now? Two strokes wasn't enough? Didn't the operation fix things? I called and he gave me a quick overview, and was passed to one of the doctors in the stroke ward. In summary, the operation my mom went through had a small risk. By clearing the blockage in her brain, there was a potential chance that with the cleared space, blood would rush in and cause her to be in a coma. And that's exactly what happened to her. Despite the success of the operation, and that she could even chat after waking up from the operation, asking for some fruits from the relatives who came to visit. And even with the small chance of risk, it happened. The doctor continued. She said that due to this rush of blood, my mom was brain dead and nothing could be done. She was only surviving because she was on life support. Even with life support, she would pass within the week. Any procedures done now would only delay the inevitable and nothing could be done to make her recover. She told me to start funeral preparations, and asked if I would be flying over to handle these matters, or if I'd let the relatives over there handle things. I said I would come over and make funeral preparations. She said should my mom still be on life support when I reached, I'd need to make the decision to take her off life support. I acknowledged everything and hung up. I cried the loudest I'd ever cried in the arms of Onion.

Emotionally, I was destroyed. I was so, so tired. The entire week had just been a series of good news, followed by bad news. First the stroke, then hearing she was stable, then the second stroke, then hearing about the operation to clear the blockage, only to find out it'd cost RM40,000, then settling the matter and hearing that it was a success, only to find out she was brain dead as a result and would die within the week. Anger at the circumstances was one thing, sadness was another. But I just felt so completely lost. I had been hoping to visit Malaysia with the waifu the year after (this year, technically) and bring over several bags of Miss Vickies potato chips, her favourite. Visit her, see some friends and take it easy. Now I wouldn't ever get to. At the very least, her last conversation with me was me telling her I loved her. That was a little bit of consolation.

I was told by some relatives to let my sister Zoe know. We've been estranged since 2010 when she left Malaysia, and she's blocked me on all social media for over a decade. We eventually found she had a tarot card reading business, and I messaged her there, letting her know that mom was on life support and wouldn't last the week. If she wanted to visit or mention anything, she should let me know. She said "No thanks. Bye" and blocked me. I've hated my sister for the better part of 20 years. The rage I felt seeing that message was probably the angriest I've been ever since she tried to kill my mom with a cleaver almost 20 years back.

My aunt Elkie drove me to the airport the next day. I was quiet, and the waifu said she'd arrange everything at home and she'd join me a day later in Malaysia. At the gate, 30 minutes before my flight was to depart, I was called to the front and they gave me a hard time due to my passport. They required me to have a return ticket, and wouldn't let me board with a one-way ticket. I explained that I was going to my mom's funeral, and I had death notices, proof and all and I wasn't sure how long the whole thing would take to settle her matters. I didn't want to book it too short, or too long without knowing what I needed to do. They said they were sorry but I had to follow regulations. With all the passengers beginning to embark, I had to quickly rush and buy an expensive ticket back on the spot and show them proof. Completely idiotic and stupid. As if they couldn't warn me earlier. I managed to buy it with minutes left to spare and got on. Later on, the waifu would have her flight cancelled, delayed and eventually switched to another airline she didn't choose, and that gave her a bunch of problems coming to Malaysia. We just couldn't catch a break. 

I hadn't flown since coming back to Canada, and seeing the friendly and excited faces of people going on holidays didn't help. I packed what I needed, and I was praying internally that I could make it before my mom passed completely. I flew from Toronto, with a layover in Japan, and then would land in Kuala Lumpur, with Ruz picking me up. When I landed and had Wi-Fi, tons of messages and missed calls popped up, and that's how I learned my mom died. I was already expecting the worst, but I was hoping I could at least see my mom and hold her hand before I gave the go ahead to pull the plug. I was really angry now. At the circumstances, at God, at the universe, the spirits, whatever. She was already brain dead. Would it really matter if I could have had a few hours more? And I wasn't even granted that. Judging by the messages, she passed as I was flying from Tokyo to KL.

To my surprise my cousin Terry was there, and greeted me. He hugged me and offered his condolences, saying that he wasn't sure if I had a ride and wanted to offer one, to drive me straight to the hotel to rest and freshen up for the matters the next day. I apologized profusely, saying that I already had a ride. We had a short chat while he smoked and updated me about what was going on. Ruz arrived soon after and I introduced them before thanking Terry for coming all the way and heading off.

Ruz picked me up with his friend Adrian Leo. I tried to be polite and make friendly conversation, but it was awkward as I wasn't in the right headspace to have one. I was mostly asking questions related to Ruz's passing of his dad, as he would've had some experience on what to do and how to go through some of it. We reached Hospital UKM and it was 1am. Long past visiting hours and way after any reasonable time to go to the morgue. Still, I asked if I could see my mom's body in the morgue and the two guys helped me out tremendously, asking around and looking around the labyrinthine maze of the hospital. We eventually found it and there was a single guy manning the place. They helped me ask if I could see my mom, and he said it wasn't the proper visiting hours. But they explained that I flew from Canada and just wanted to see her one last time. You could see that he didn't want to break rules but felt immense pity for me. He opened it up and asked for her name. After searching through, he took her body out on a metal tray and pulled the cloth. And I saw my mom lying there. I cried, trying to hold it in. To see my mom after 4 years, in a hospital morgue, my beautiful mom dead. I looked at her and mentally said a few precious words in my head to her. I hope she heard them. I thought about the what-ifs and the timeline of her entire life only to end up here. After a few moments, I thanked the morgue supervisor profusely for allowing me this, and you could tell he felt nice for offering me a little reprieve. My uncle Robin (Teck Wai's brother) said that he needed to urgently speak with me earlier, and had driven to HUKM to meet us, and we decided to have a chat at the hotel lobby instead. I was staying at Le Quadri, the hospitality wing of UCSI. We had a long chat about expectations and what to do, and her belongings. It was past 2am by the time I got into the hotel room. I called the waifu to update her and was comforted, along with hearing about her own BS from the airline, and had a short call with Andrew as well. I took a long shower and collapsed into bed at 3am. I wouldn't have slept at all if it wasn't for the exhaustion. I got up at 7am due to the jetlag and the circumstances. When I woke up I was immediately hit with the reminder that my mom was gone, and that's why I was in Malaysia.

I met up my uncles and aunts at the hospital. They wanted me to look at her body in the morgue, but when I explained that I already did at almost 2am last night, they were surprised but felt that since that was done, there was no need to do it again and we'd be discussing the funeral details over at her home. When we got there and opened the door, it was a mess. I knew my mom was hoarding a lot when I was living with her, but left alone, it was disastrous.

And we needed to clean this all up before returning it to the landlord.

I said I wanted a simple, 2 day, 1 night Buddhist funeral, and cremation. Then if everyone consented, I'd take the ashes back with me to Canada and lay them to rest here. Everyone agreed, and they were generally pleased as finding a last minute plot and gravestone would be a nightmare, financially and practically. Despite the family conflicts my mom had with them, they were nice enough about everything and my auntie Woon Sui was the one who took charge, and would later settle the hospital matters and funeral accounting. We went to a place in Taman Connaught for lunch and discussed details with an undertaker recommended by a family friend, who offered us a reasonable price for what we were asking. My mom's former schoolmate and friend Roy was a housemate and he also dropped by to hear the discussions as well as clear out his room. Later on, auntie Woon Sui, her husband uncle Herman, Roy and I started the process of cleaning up the house, throwing away things, keeping what could be donated, and rearranging furniture. It was surprisingly good progress for just the few of us. Ruz and Adrian came over and helped out too. I was so thankful.

The next day, Onion finally reached Malaysia and we hugged crazy hard at the hotel lobby. I was so glad to see her. She has been a pillar in my life for so long, and she provided tremendous support this whole time. We ate at Taman Connaught, and she got emotional eating Malaysian food for the first time since we left. Char kway teow and pork noodles. The prices were insane though. They were RM10. When we left, prices were around RM6. Costs had nearly doubled due to COVID. It was okay for us since the Canadian dollar was 3 times the value, but locally, it must've hurt. Especially when eating out in Malaysia is common due to low food prices. We went over to my mom's place to continue more cleaning with the rest of the group who cleaned the previous day. Found a bunch of things that I reminisced about, childhood things from Canada that came here but didn't make sense to bring back. So I took pictures instead. Towards the evening we ate dinner and went back to rest at the hotel. 

The next day was the first day of the funeral wake. I had shared the obituary notice on my social media and sent it to family and friends, as I didn't want to have extra costs publishing it in the newspaper, and I also didn't think it would have as wide of a reach. Our undertaker contact, Emily, had done a fantastic job with the funeral parlour. It was simple, nice, and suitable. Getting there from Le Quadri was a pain though as it was rush hour, and no one on Grab wanted to take my ride, despite me picking ride options that would be over RM100. It was crazy. And as the closest next of kin, I was supposed to be there early. Anyway, we got there at around 9am, and set up the condolence money box, making sure everything was where it was supposed to be. I offered a joss stick to my mom and went to see the casket, and as I've observed in so many other funerals, noticed how small a person looks in a casket. My aunts had picked a decent outfit for her, and after offering some prayers and words mentally, I sat back outside. It was my duty to greet anyone who walked in, guide them to offer a joss stick, view the casket, and have a short chat. I initially thanked people for coming, but I was told by some traditional people later that thanking people was inappropriate for a funeral. I thought that was stupid, but I acquiesced anyway, and began to tell them I "appreciated" them coming instead. Some random uncles and aunties came and paid their last respects. Had a bit of trouble speaking with the Chinese-speaking ones, but generally they were all very kind. I didn't expect many people until the evening, as plenty would show up after work.

Oh, and during this time, Zoe was attending on Google Meets. Yes, that scumbag decided that it would be bad optics for not showing up, and decided to make a half-assed effort at expediting her passport application a day before the funeral. She unblocked me on Instagram and said she'd attend virtually instead. Fine. Better than nothing. We set up our iPad and placed it in a corner where she could view what was going on. And then she complained. She complained that nothing was going on. I was like, uh, it's a Buddhist funeral? What did you expect? Fireworks? Singing? People come in, offer a prayer, view the body and then sit and munch some snacks at the table outside or head off. What did she seriously expect? She's been to Buddhist funerals of our relatives before. She lived in Malaysia for 9 years. But here she was complaining that nothing was going on. And she had the gall to say that she was staying up just to see nothing going on. I told her off. Then she found it appropriate to say I was intentionally excluding her from the service. What?! Seriously? The bitch who said no thanks to our mom in coma? Who only showed up to look good in front of the relatives? She said that I was greeting people and guiding them out of the funeral parlour, but not bringing them to her. The extreme entitlement shocked me. Seriously. This funeral was for our mom. Not for her. It's for people to pay respects. Not to entertain Zoe. I told her off again. Over 10 years no-contact and this is the conversation I'm forced to deal with? Pissed me off to no end. We eventually came to the compromise that after the last respects and conversation, I'd point out Zoe on the monitor, and tell them that she was attending virtually. Whether they would approach her for discussion was up to them. For the few who did, she would say thank you kindly in a sweet way and act all nice and stuff. My uncle Vincent fell for it and held up the iPad to the rest of the relatives, where she began to sweet talk them and eventually reached my dad. My dad said that he always loved her and would love to be in contact again. Zoe, in full view of everyone played dumb and said sure, I'm always willing to reconnect. What a farce. She has not bothered till today.

As mentioned, my dad came in from Seremban. He was in poor shape, needing a walking stick for assistance. My parents were together for 26 years, and had been divorced for 15 years at this point. They never spoke a word to each other ever again. And I was the only link between them, as I considered Zoe persona non grata. My dad teared up a bit when he offered his last respects, and I chatted with him on his health and what else had been going on, as well as updating him on what happened with mom and the circumstances leading to this. Neal eventually came, the earliest of my friends. Did the respects and all, and it was nice to have a chat with him, catching up when there were no people to attend to. Talked politics, the housing crisis in Canada, what had been happening in Malaysia the last few years and COVID, amongst other topics. Towards the afternoon, more relatives came over, including my grandaunt (uncle Teck Wai and Robin's mom) who needed to be brought in via wheelchair. So much had changed since I left. So many people looked worse off than just 4 years ago. Onion's parents came over and paid their last respects; they had gotten tight with my mom in recent years, and they had been planning a meal after my mom was less occupied with work. Onion's uncles also came to visit and offer their condolences. Eventually my mom's friend, who found her collapsed, came and when she heard I was her son, proceeded to tell me everything in detail. So what I learned was that she and my mom initially planned a meal. The night before, they had hung out and when she dropped my mom home, my mom seemed extremely tired. She seemed groggy but blamed it on being tired with all that was going on. Apparently she was already starting to slur at this time but the friend didn't know the signs, and my mom was still walking to the door and closed the gate. The friend watched her go in and close the door, and she felt it was fine to drive off then. The next day the friend had called her phone several times but my mom never picked up. When she got to my mom's place, she called again and even yelled for my mom, and eventually my mom said she'd get ready in a groggy voice. After quite some time the friend was wondering what was taking so long and went in, only to see the gate and doors were never locked the night before. My mom had collapsed on the sofa downstairs and was unresponsive. The friend panicked and quickly brought her to the hospital, where they diagnosed her with a stroke. After hearing that, my heart hurt more. That meant she was already showing signs of a stroke the night before. And she slept it off, the stubborn woman. My mom has always said she's in decent health and is the type to sleep off or shake off injuries. If only the signs had been seen earlier, something could've been done. Who knows how much damage was done overnight? Maybe she'd still be alive. I thanked the friend so much for helping out my mom and getting her to the hospital, and for updating me with the actual events of what happened. I found it a silver lining that the friend discovered her, instead of her passing away in her sleep with no one to discover her until much later.

In the evening I was informed that I would need to stand with the Buddhist monks who would come in and do their chants and prayers. There'd be 3 sessions, half an hour each, with me needing to be in a different position and direction each time. Florence Toh from GCF (Graduates Christian Fellowship) came over, hearing about my mom. She was extremely busy but managed to find some time to drop by, which I really appreciated. Chatted a bit about Canada and all before she went off. She was my groupmate in the GCF iBridge virtual camp during the height of the pandemic, so to see her in person was nice. More and more of my friends came over. Sharon and Lippy came over, which was a pleasant surprise, and we caught up too. Justin, Redzuan, and later Ruz and Adrian came over and all of us formed a large group at the entrance chatting and catching up. It had been quite some time since a bunch of them had met up too. It was nice having a bit of normal conversation, and it made me feel much better after the sadness of everything. Towards 11pm, they were beginning to close and lots of relatives were heading off for the night. I took some pictures with the rest, and Redzuan drove us back to the hotel. His jokes and all were another bright moment amidst all the doom and gloom. Just a bit of normalcy.

The next morning, it was the 2nd day, as well as the closing of the casket. Apart from the relatives, barely anyone else showed up as the vast majority had come the previous day. Just after noon, the emcee announced some things while I was told to say a few words. I thanked my relatives for helping out with everything. I was told to kneel in front of my mom and the casket, as the fluff and decor were taken out. Onion, despite being my girlfriend at the time, did the wifely duties and knelt next to me, which made me love her more than I already did. We did our part doing offerings and other things the monks told us to do as the undertakers began hammering the casket lid shut. And I began to cry again, as there was a huge sense of finality, knowing that moments ago was the last time I saw my mom "in-person". I was told to get into the main van carrying my mom as they drove to the crematorium. The driver tried to make conversation with me, but my poor Mandarin didn't help. But I did speak a bit. He offered his condolences and said he's been doing this job for 20 years. He said that he's noticed something. In the earlier days, most of the people he drove, barring accidents and illness, were mostly older folks in their 70s and 80s. He said in the last 5 years, he's noticed a huge increase of people dying younger, and he's mostly been driving the bodies of people in their 60s now. I know it's anecdotal, but seeing the large uptick of announcements of my friends parents passing away in roughly the same age group, I'm inclined to believe it. After reaching the crematorium, we went to a space booked for us, where we offered more prayers as the casket was laid on a mechanical concrete surface and would be lowered down to the actual crematorium. After all the traditions were done, the mechanism lowered the casket and we went to a glass panel, where we could see workers pulling apart things from various caskets, and saw the conveyer belt carry my mom's casket, where they proceeded with the same procedures, and slowly it moved into another section that we couldn't see anymore. The relatives and I walked away, the whole thing finally done. Most were preparing to head back to their cities and homes, and all of us hugged, wished each other well and everyone offered me nice words and condolences again. My dad would still be around for a few days to visit some KL friends, and auntie Woon Sui and uncle Herman would stay back to help continue cleaning my mom's house, which was still a nightmarish mess. Emily the undertaker said I'd need to come by again the next day to gather my mom's ashes and do some traditional thing with chopsticks. The waifu, auntie Woon Sui, uncle Herman and I went and continued with my mom's home.

The next day we collected the ashes from the crematorium, and I got the official death certificate. I was told to pick out 3 bones to start, and take a few from the skull so that they would be placed on top. The rest were poured into a glass container, and I was told to placed the skull pieces on top, so that my mom's ashes would be in the "right" orientation. They had offered to scatter the ashes at a certain location in the sea, but after having thought about it for a while, I wanted to take her ashes back to Canada with me. I felt it would be more meaningful. Also I was an emotional wreck, so maybe I wasn't thinking clearly and was just being more emotional in general. Upon hearing my plans, the Foo family association, who had attended the wake and all, advised me of some things to do when flying back. Things like telling my mom that I would be taking her with me, to let her know we were on the flight, and at the final resting place, that we had reached and this is where I would place her. Later that night I had dinner with my dad and auntie May May, and they treated us to a very nice meal at Klang Lama, near The Scott Garden. Onion had been wanting to eat fish with a flame underneath, and we were granted that!

Generally, the next few days were spent continuing to clean the house with Roy, Ruz and Adrian helping us out, which was massively difficult considering the vast amount of things my mom had at home, and my aunt's insistence that we separate things carefully with what could be donated, and what was trash, despite the fact that we didn't really have all that much time, and it was physically exhausting. It annoyed a lot of us, but like uncle Herman said, "Whatever sergeant says." Lol. We found a bunch of old things, kept the photo albums, lots of things to reminisce about, and found letters from Zoe trying to justify her actions 16 years ago, blaming my mom and dad, telling Brother Gabriel Teo, my Zone Supervisor in City Harvest Church, that her actions to try and murder my mother were justified and she needed his help to escape to Singapore and come to church. I couldn't find the boxes that Onion and I left behind, that were meant to be temporary storage until we came back and brought some things over. A lot of precious memories and belongings there. Ruz and Adrian, while helping out showed their prowess. Ruz tore a suitcase open when we couldn't unlock it. You know how Captain America split that log in half? Just like that! And later we couldn't get a locked container open, but Adrian brought his lockpicking items and opened it in less than 30 seconds. Epic, those guys! Every night we would have dinner at the mamak nearby before going back to the hotel and resting before continuing the next day.

On the 25th, Onion and I had lunch with uncle Robin, eating dimsum at Eko Cheras mall. That mall was still under construction when we left, and to see it as a fully-fledged mall, huge and modern was impressive, especially right across was the dying old mall of Leisure Mall. Discussed matters regarding my mom's personal belongings and some other stuff. Got to explore the mall a bit before going back to clean the house more. 

The next day, we found an adorable litter of kittens underneath the trash pile we had formed on the front porch. We eventually saw the mother and were considering calling the SPCA or something, but the mom took them somewhere else in the end. But it was a nice, cute thing to see with all the depressing things we were going through. The waifu said that if we found them in Canada, we would've rescued and adopted them. And considering how cute all of them were... I might not disagree.

Adorable!

Terry had asked us for dinner that evening too, wanting to treat us a meal for our hard work and cleaning the house, as well as catching up with family. We ended up eating at Jalan Alor with a fantastic array of food. Didn't have as much conversation as I was still dealing with everything, and we were crazy tired from cleaning the house. But thank you so much.

Onion and I decided to spoil ourselves the next day after all the work clearing the house. We went for a massage at Taman Connaught, taking a fancy package. Then afterwards we went for dinner at Sunway Velocity, also to check out the mall since we hadn't been there since we left. Mostly the same, but it had quite a few new stores and some that remained, including some surprising ones.

The day after, we were forced to head to Vivatel hotel instead, as Le Quadri was hosting an event and they were completely packed, requiring all guests to check out. It was also finally our time to meet up BPS. Our group dynamic had changed quite a bit already in the years since we left. Ming Han has no interest in maintaining any meaningful contact with us, and Alex deleted Onion and I off everything, although she would respond to direct messages. So when we arranged to meet Celine and Daryl, we were pretty explicit that if the former 2 didn't want to meet up, we'd completely understand. Surprisingly, they were alright with meeting us up, minus Alex who was occupied with something. We went for bak kut teh since the waifu had been craving it for some time. It was great catching up with everyone. Apart from a little sombreness, it was as though we never left and chatted for hours, updating our lives. Eventually Celine had to leave and we moved to a cafe nearby and were reminded of how bad Malaysian driving is. Chatted a bit more before we collectively decided to eat dinner with Daryl's girlfriend, Jacie, who we hadn't had the pleasure to meet in person, but more or less had joined their group. She was nice, friendly and engaging, as well as offering me condolences. We ate at a nasi lemak place in PJ, where I had eaten with the cellgroup before, some place where they only sell nasi lemak and indomie, they prep ahead of time and leave it on the floor, with filth and roaches, but the food is immensely delicious. Then we moved onto dessert at The Ice Cream Bar, where we tried a very nice selection of alcoholic ice cream. Ming Han drove us home and the conversation got me downloading some new anime he recommended, and Onion playing Japanese mahjong.

A few days later I made plans to go to the EPF building and check my mom's account for withdrawal, as well as settle her bank accounts and stuff. No details here, but I did what I did. Onion also checked details regarding PTPTN. Later that evening we were to meet up with Essenism. We made a last minute decision to meet and eat at a Japanese restaurant in The Gardens, next to Mid Valley. It was really nice seeing everyone. Due to inconvenience of seating, Henry and Quen were on the complete other side of the table, and I couldn't organically start a conversation with them, so I was mostly chatting with Miki (and her boyfriend Patrick), Ivan, Neal and Wai Kwan, while the waifu would talk to Henry, Quen and Ruz. After the meal and some pictures, there was the usual standing around and chitchatting while everyone was preparing to go home. I spent all this time catching up with Henry and Quen as I was unable to earlier. It was really good to hear how well Henry was doing, but also a bit sad to hear about his family's circumstances and his brother's passing due to COVID. Ruz drove us back to the hotel and we had a deep personal conversation at the end of the ride. Appreciate the trust.

A day before Merdeka, we went to One Utama to explore and get picked up. Onion and I were to have dinner with my grandaunt and the rest of her extended family, like my granduncle, uncle Robin, uncle Teck Wai, all their kids and a few other distantly related uncles and aunties. It was a very pleasant meal. Nice, home cooked food with everyone being chill and all normal, despite the events of the week. They welcomed Onion as a member of the family, had nice conversation, and it was insane how fast the kids had grown in just 4 years. At the end of the meal and as things were slowing down, the adults had a long talk with me about my mother and how tough things had been. They offered us some envelopes and some other stuff before we went back to rest.

On Merdeka itself, we were mostly done with the house. The only real mess was the kitchen, which we had left mostly untouched. The living room was mostly cleared, and upstairs we had gotten rid of a ton of stuff. We had met up the landlord, informed him of the situation and returned his keys, while some Foo family association contacts had said they would help clear out the remaining things left, plus take the things to their relevant donation sites, and keep working things like the kettle and fridge. All was agreed on, and it was great to finally get that weight off my shoulders. Cleaning a big, dirty house in Malaysian heat is exhausting. I need to thank the waifu so much for helping out, and Ruz and Adrian for offering up their time for a week to clean my mom's mess, as well as Roy, uncle Herman and auntie Woon Sui for helping despite their age. There were disagreements on how to proceed, and my aunt, once her mouth opened, could talk for hours without stopping, which led to very awkward silences as we waited for a break to interrupt a sentence. But it was all done, and everyone would be going back to their respective places. 

The waifu and I joined Alex and Ming Han for yong tau fu, which was surprising, as I mentioned the aforementioned change in our relationship dynamics. But we appreciated the effort to reach out and hang out. We ate and caught up before going to Donutes in Puchong to continue our conversation, which eventually led into a very thorough discussion of Final Fantasy VII Remake. We had also planned to meet up Andrew and his girlfriend Ying Hui for a double date and also to catch up. Initially Ming Han and Alex were going to drive us over but the crazy rain and jam made us postpone the journey. So Andrew and Ying Hui came over to pick us up instead after being stuck for ages. We thanked Ming Han and Alex for all the time they reserved to spend time with us, and for all the driving. We went to Zus Coffee and had a long chat with Andrew and Ying Hui, getting to know Ying Hui better, with her studies in Scotland, and her praise of the healthcare system there. There was a moment where Andrew and I spoke outside for an hour, to get details on all the BS that happened years ago. I can't say anything here, but it basically confirmed the sparse info I had, and the details I wasn't privy to. But it was a fantastic catch up and finally getting to meet his girlfriend was nice, after hearing about her for so long. They dropped us back at Vivatel and we met up Justin, Redzuan and Jolica at the mamak in front of the hotel. Redzuan was there first and shared about his hilarious time being caught by the police and their new method of printing tickets for violations, which include a low-res picture. Less to "catch up" on per se, since we had done most of that on the first night of the funeral wake. But still a lot of chatter between all of us. And the waifu found out why two eggs with roti was called roti jantan. Lmao.

The next day was basically an entire day spent with Onion's family. We first had a vegetarian lunch at an upscale restaurant with one of her uncles, his wife, Onion's parents and us. Nice getting to know them, and they were very generous and pleasant. Later on with Onion's parents, we spent most of the afternoon at Sunday Pyramid just chilling around. The waifu and I explored the mall to see the changes and the things that haven't changed at all. Then towards dinnertime we went to a restaurant near SS15 to eat some really good local food with two of the waifu's aunts. Also good company.

The next day was my last full day in Malaysia. We'd manage to handle everything related to my mom's estate and funeral, with one last exception, so it was finally time to leave. It wasn't a social visit, so we only met up a few friends. I got to spend time with my dad and my future in-laws and relatives. There was only one major thing left, my mom's ashes and urn. As I mentioned earlier, Emily the undertaker had offered their services to scatter the ashes at some area near a port, but I declined and wanted to take her ashes with me to find a resting place in Toronto. The problem was the flight going back would go through the US, and I'd heard enough nightmare stories from the TSA to be worried. There was the very real possibility that the TSA wouldn't allow my mom's ashes to pass the border and they'd throw it away. I checked the details of the TSA's terms on ashes and realized that the urns Emily offered wouldn't cut it. The urns were nice, but they were heavy, massive and thick as they were meant to be permanent, stable objects in niches. They likely wouldn't be scanned well by the TSA and there'd be serious issues with the weight, not to mention me carrying it across 3 countries. I found Xiao En had services to help bring ashes across international borders. They offered an urn that would be acceptable for the TSA in size, weight and as it was made of glass, would easily be visible and scanned. They would handle the paperwork and wrap the ashes in a Buddhist shroud and protect it physically. I went to meet up my contact about a week after my dad and I had met him up for a meeting to discuss the requirements. He was nice, professional. But apart from the documents and shroud, I basically got... a cookie jar. Lol. Yeah. The kind you can get from any supermarket. But well, I'd take their word the cookie jar was acceptable to the TSA. Handled some HSBC things and met the in-laws for dinner before packing and going to rest at Onion's uncle's home. Her younger sister was there too, and she stayed up with us to 3am, chatting about all sorts of things from Canadian politics, games, to Final Fantasy, to Tetsuya Nomura and all, waiting for the driver we had booked to come get us. We slept in the car, and once we were at the airport, we ran into problems trying to check in. Since 9/11, Canadian PRs aren't allowed to enter the US without a visa, if their nationality requires it. Yeah, damn. I was 20 years outdated. My parents drove into the US all the time with just their drivers licenses and passports, visiting pretty much every year. As our route was taking us through Houston, that meant Onion couldn't get in, as even if Japan allowed her in, she'd be stuck in transit. So despite the hell of the last few weeks, we were still spat on by the circumstances, and the waifu would have to fly back later while I went back to Canada alone.

The flight back was mostly uneventful, apart from the TSA checking my mom's ashes. I was expecting the worst, that despite spending several hundred on Xiao En, the TSA could be jerks and throw my mom's ashes away. Luckily it wasn't so. The guy checking the baggage flagged me down and informed me they had scanned what appeared to be ashes, but he would need to personally verify. I also tried to be understanding and said sure. He opened it, trying to be as gentle as possible, holding the box upright and stable, without being aggressive. After he opened it, unwrapped the shroud and verified the contents, he let me pass, sticking some tape on indicating it was verified by the TSA. I'm glad he was extremely nice and respectful about the whole thing. Once I landed in Canada, I proceeded to inform everyone I had reached before booking a cab back home and cuddling Toshi immediately. Finally. It broke our hearts the time we were there to see Toshi on the pet cam, lying on our bed and wandering around, wondering where we were. When we used the microphone/speaker to call out her name, she'd lay next the camera for comfort, as that was the source of our voices. She would take a peek at the camera often to see if we were there too. To finally hold her and pet her when we came back felt great. She headbutted me and nuzzled me hard.

This was probably one of the most emotionally taxing events of my life. I fully expected at least another decade with my mom before I'd begin to worry about health issues. I was hurt and broken much more than I initially expected with my mom's passing and I dealt with it very poorly, internally. I was personally surprised by how much the funeral really helped with processing the grief. The finality of it, that my mom was resting and wasn't with us anymore, brought a surprising comfort. The process, the traditions, the stupid superstitions. All of it helped me cope. I've attended a ton of funerals, but going through it this personally has really helped me understand why funeral traditions and processes help people in their time of need and why they have such staying power.

I was also immensely grateful to all the kind words from everyone who offered condolences. I was bombarded by so many messages and calls from people. Genuine, heartfelt words, nice messages, thoughtful memories and pictures of my mom. Florence Toh, upon hearing my utter confusion with how to deal with my mom's EPF and estate, helpfully started a WhatsApp group with Jimmy and Louanna from GCF, as Louanna had recently lost a parent. They provided very useful details on how to proceed and were very patient with my questions, and gave me more info when needed. The amount of condolence offerings given by everyone covered the funeral costs. People spent time with us, taking time out of their busy schedules, accommodating our own messy schedules.

There was also a lot of anger and rage at the circumstances. The see-sawing arrival of good news, bad news, good news, bad news regarding my mom while I was helpless in Canada really shook me. It was like I was incapable of receiving permanent good news. Being unable to get back to Malaysia in time to see my mom, even though she was in coma and would certainly die, also angered me. As if giving me a few hours to see my mom would make any grand difference to the divine plans of God or something. I had already made peace with her death. But despite my devotion and belief, my prayers were never answered. Well, not like they were answered much in my entire life to begin with. I've long acknowledged prayers as useless. This just reaffirmed that. The whole situation with Zoe's response, her entitlement during the funeral, expecting to be seen for her own personal vanity also pissed me off to no end. That last bit of Onion being stuck in Malaysia an additional week because we didn't know about the US entry thing also added to it. I was pretty content with how I had treated my mom my whole life, and in Canada, sending back money every month, regular calls and messages, but there was also a nagging feeling of "you could have done more" with regards to her health and all. There was anger at myself for that, justified or not.

My former minister, James Ravenscroft, who himself lost his father to Alzheimer's, amongst his words of consolation, told me that the first year is the toughest. That was very true. The days and months after were very tiring. There'd be days where I felt completely normal and felt like I had processed it. Then there'd be days I felt like I was right there and was sobbing again. My days would be mixed, sometimes experiencing both. I didn't want to hang out with anyone. Just do my job, come home and chill. Apart from important family gatherings and my church duties, we basically didn't meet anyone up for several months after her death.

During this time, and especially the week when the waifu hadn't come back yet, I had this nagging thought in my head: "Don't leave me alone with my thoughts". If I wasn't distracted with something, my mind would drift and I'd have terrible thoughts and random dreams. Like one night, I dreamt I was in a mall with Essenism, and I suddenly saw my mom. I was like, wait, she's not supposed to be alive. I ran up to her, hugged her, crying and she said "Oh, it already happened?" I was like, wait, what do you mean? She said that considering how I was reacting, she knew she must have died already. I said yes, and checked my phone for the date. It was 2:20pm on the day she died, so I said, technically you're supposed to die in 10 minutes in the real world, but that was already a few weeks ago. I said I wanted to spend the last 10 minutes with her. As it was in my dream, obviously nothing happened, but since nothing happened, I told her to come back home with me in Canada and she cooked eggs for us. I then began noting her health, making contingency plans on what to do, how to take care of her, doctors appointments, and everything we were planning to do if she had stayed alive. As I was busy noting everything, I woke up. I know it's a dream. I know that weird time-travel shenanigans don't work with dreams. But I felt immensely comforted having that dream, almost like I had a final moment with her, like a partial what-if scenario. I really do understand how so many people who have final dreams of their loved ones see it as a final message before they move on, or associate it with a last message from the beyond. It is extremely comforting and also helps with the processes of grief. Whether they're real or not is one thing, but one can't deny the effect.

About 4 months after her death, I watched the movie Drive My Car, a Japanese arthouse film. I'm not going to go into a review about it, but I enjoyed how the main actor dealt with the loss of his wife, and warming up to his driver. That part when they both held their hands up with cigarettes through the sunroof in silence. Just absolutely gorgeous and meaningful. Also, the final part, with the deaf girl signing her lines, "Those who survive keep thinking about the dead. In one way or another, that will continue. You and I must keep living like that. We must keep on living. It'll be OK. I'm sure we'll be OK." It just spoke to me. Really felt like it was directed to those who had suffered loss, and a reassurance for us; the acceptance of loss, grief and moving on.

Beautiful.

Also, my now wife, Onion (yes, we just got married. I need to post that soon) was a huge pillar of support throughout this entire thing. From carrying me emotionally while I was going through everything, updating me in the middle of the night, handling all the errands and tasks that needed to be done in Toronto while I had to rush to fly back, and her time with me there, helping to clean my mom's house, handling the wifely duties in the funeral even though she was technically only my girlfriend at the time, like prayers and kneeling when the casket was being permanently shut. I cannot praise her enough for being by my side as my partner throughout all this. I love you.

This has been a long, long post. Mostly written for myself, to document what happened, how I felt and the small little details I've come to appreciate when reading back on old posts. If anyone is reading this, I apologize for how poorly written and formatted it is. I wrote it on a whim when I felt I could reasonably do it, and I didn't write it in a way that was really accessible. It's my own way of grieving I guess, which I've done for over a year now. I'm much better a year later, but I definitely felt the rush of sadness and emotions while writing down everything in detail. It was like re-living everything all over again. Probably the closest I've ever been to having an anxiety attack.

Now my mom's ashes are in Westminster Cemetery and Mausoleum, beautifully arranged by the waifu and I. Her final resting place. I love you mom.

Chronicled
11:42 PM