Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Yeah, yeah, I know an update should be posted, a real one. A what-happened-to-me-the-last-few-weeks kind. But I'm still typing it. It's saved in a draft right now, half finished. Eh, not really "half", but uh, substantial? Plus my trip in Singapore has maybe 4 lines in the draft, so far. So far.
Anyhoo, since I owe so many weeks, I thought I'd post something interesting instead, something that might make you think a bit deep perhaps?
That's my newest wristband, complete with three really sharp (and dangerous) spikes, and yeah, those are hearts in between them. Vonny and Linda bought it for me, 'cause they said when they looked at it, it reminded them of me. Black, with a lot of metal. And the spikes (I think a reference to my hair) look very hard and tough, but on the inside, I'm soft and gentle (thus, the hearts). Heck, that's an awful lot of thought into one gift eh? But I appreciate it, and I like it, seriously. I'm touched that despite the lack of occasion, they could think of me and buy me this.
The night I received the gift, for a short time the conversation was about fears. They boldly proclaimed "Howe's not afraid of anything!". Heh, I'm flattered, but they're quite close to the truth. Quite. I'm afraid of only one thing. My education? Nopes, it matters, but not to the point I'm afraid. I'm quite confident of myself. I call myself stupid, retarded and stuff at times, just to joke around... but (sorry for the lack of modesty) I am quite smart, and I've got tons of friends who say that. I know tons of stuff, general knowledge, religious, science theories. So education isn't as fearful for me as some of my friends who are in perpetual fear. My friends? Sure, I may be concerned, but fears? Nah, I'm not that paranoid. People will pick themselves up rather easily. All they need is love and a helping hand. Fear for their welfare is totally unnecessary and paranoid. Concern and love is what they need. My family? I think it's alright. Tolerable, and of course my family's completely split up, but not a fear. I've already been through the worst a family can go through.
Spiders, demons, ghosts, the dark, heights, blood... some may cause discomfort, but true fear? Nah, not scared at all. What I'm scared of, and I think I've mentioned it before, is that I'm scared of losing my faith. Scared that I might fall out with God and forget everything He's done for me, and my life as a Christian. So if I was an atheist, I'd have no fear, none at all. That's ironic. That we are to have no fear while in a relationship with God, but losing Him is my only fear and a lack of belief in him would release me from any fear. And no, for you wannabe-theologians, the "fear of God" is not a real fear, its about a respect towards God. I find it funny of atheists who don't believe in a god but fear the dark. Such a strong assurance there's no god but fearful uncertainty something might be hiding in a dark corner. Neither of which they can see.
So I was checking out a link that talked about how guys show their love. A lot of it matched with what those relationship sermons talked about in church. Then there was a link to another article, about what men fear. I clicked on it, curious to see what they would put. I was very assured that I had none of their fears, and my only fear would be the one I keep mentioning. And lo and behold, I saw that it was true, I didn't have any of the fears they listed down. Well... at least for now. Some of the more noticeable ones were "Am I making enough for my family?", "Am I pleasuring my wife enough in sex?", "Will I be a good dad?" and "Do I have enough to get my kids through their education?". All very legitimate questions, and none that apply to me, so naturally I've got none of those fears.
But... what about in the future? Unless I'm Bill Gates or doing extremely well, these fears will crop up. And while I was reading this, a lot of other things popped up in my mind, all that could be fears in the future. What if my wife gets a miscarriage? What if my child is born deformed in some way, mentally or physically? I know it takes a lot of love, patience and courage to raise up a child like that, and what if I'm scared and ashamed of my own kid? What if I don't have the virtues to take care of someone like that? And that led me to death. Yeah, sorry, mind wanders wildly. What if I die early? I said I'm not scared about my own death, it's a non-issue for me, if it happens it happens. But if I'm married and have my own family, and I die, there's gonna be a fear of what's going to happen to them. What if my kids are born normal, but turn out to to be as bad as my sister? Heck, what if they're worse? And what if I get a divorce? I've already said I never want to end up like my parents and let my kids go through a divorce. But no couples get married to have a divorce. It just happens along the way. And if it does happen? I'd have failed in my marriage. That's another fear. I don't wanna raise up my kids like my parents raised up me. Now don't get me wrong, my parents raised me up fine, very well I'd say. But there are many aspects I don't wanna follow in raising up my kids (stupid superstitions and religious persecution top this).
Now, I've got no reason to fear about any of this. At all. Maturity isn't about age, but your acceptance and dedication towards responsibility. At that age, people will wise up, 'cause they have to. Now, I can relax, enjoy, slack, wake up anytime I want, go clubbing and hit on any girl I want (benefits of being single). In the future, I won't be able to hit on any girl. I'll have to be faithful (nevermind, go clubbing with my girlfriend then! Lol). I'll needa take her into consideration. Need to spend some money on her, leaving less to myself. I can't go around getting the contacts of other girls anymore, 'cause I doubt my girlfriend would approve of that. Shallow as it sounds, I'm actually quite proud of the fact I've been able to get the contacts of every single girl I've asked (mostly strangers) successfully, with one exception (I was pressured to do that in the first place, against my will).
But I'm single, and marriage issues are still a long way off. Unless I fulfill that damn promise to GT Zone about my marriage, then it's only a few years off. So I've got very little to fear now. Only one, and I've mentioned it above. So the next time someone says I have no fear, believe them, but just with one exception.
But once I get a girlfriend, you might start to question the truth of that statement. When I get married, begin to doubt that statement. Hmmm... actually, let's just see how my life is like at that time. Then we'll see whether doubting it is wise.
Oh, one last thing. That article was linked to another article that just made me laugh. Here's the most interesting part: US$ 16 billion is spent a year on lingerie. The average woman has 9 bras (6 worn regularly) but 90% of all females in the world have the wrong bra size. "Nuff said.
Fallen 2:54 AM
in the grip of darkness
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Sorry for the lack of updates. My internet connection's been cut (again). So while I'm busy doing the updates, here's something to make you laugh, heh, at least a bit.
I actually saw something like this in someone's blog before, and I saw another one in a Facebook group. And that just got me inspired to do my own version.
There are just some things about going to an art school that stand out really obviously.
You know you go to The One Academy When...
1) You’re bad at math, but that seems to be the norm.
2) You have at least 3 kinds of tape. They are all completely different, and they all serve completely different functions. But you know what they're for.
3) The naked picture on the screen for figures class does not arouse or disgust you because you’re too busy trying to get an ‘A’ in the class.
4) Your lecturers almost never give A’s in figures because (and they repeat it often) it's not 3D enough, or your strokes are wrong.
5) You're not as surprised by crazy fasion senses anymore.
6) Black is your worst enemy when the results are out.
7) You're surrounded by restaurants that serve all kinds of food.
8) Yet you don't know where and what to eat after class. Everyday.
9) You know the difference between violet and purple. And you blast people who don't know the difference.
10) You tried cleaning your pallette used for acrylic paint the first few times.
11) But you got lazy after a while and now its now hardened with acrylic paint all over it.
12) Your friends don't know what the hell putty rubber is when they first see it.
13) You’ve pulled an all-nighter on a project and still could not see any progress in the morning.
14) You’ve exploded at your friends for belittling the amount of work you receive.
15) The girl that you thought was a guy at the beginning of the year isn’t so bad.
16) Your friends not from your school do not understand #14 in the slightest.
17) Everybody fits in. Period.
18) You know everyone in Vision Art.
19) The people you go to school with do not ask you to draw anything for them (excluding doing their assignments for them).
20) People are always shooting films or taking pictures.
21) Despite your best efforts, you still manage to get paint, pencil or charcoal on some part of your body, somehow.
22) Vision Art has run out of supplies at least once, and it was a long wait for the restocking.
23) Your lecturer is a moron, but he is excused because he's an industry professional.
24) You know that there is a right way and a wrong way to use art gum.
25) The clock you built out of sticks and paper is still in use.
26) Ming Tien's food sucks but makes a hell lot more money than you'll ever have.
27) You know how to pronounce gouache.
28) Your pencils and erasers beside you go missing but other stuff you leave in the open are still there.
29) Sleep is a privilege, a rarity.
30) You get tired climbing up 3 flights of stairs, even though you do that almost everyday.
31) You are not the only person (anymore) who has reads manga like a bible.
32) You're given 4 weeks for a project, and everyone starts a few days before the due date.
33) You have sat in a classroom and discussed, in great detail, the significance of an ad in which a woman with soap is considered romantic and sexy.
34) You shouldn't show your figures2 sketchbook to anyone under 16 or over 60.
35) Alcohol is easily obtainable around your campus.
36) Your main topics outside of school are still about the school (assignments and all).
37) Out of the 30 people in your class, at least 27 of them are Chinese, and at least one of them wears the same clothes all the time.
38) You are verbally assualted for not paying attention while watching Byzantium, or Incognito. Or that flick about a transexual.
39) Waiting in line to print things is second-nature.
40) Lousy English is extremely common.
41) You have free entry to Sunway Lagoon. Well, till a few months ago.
42) You are told to "invest" in books and media, even when you're broke.
43) You can easily point out one point, two point and three point perspectives to anyone who cares to listen.
44) You notice that the circles under your eyes are a near permanent fixture.
45) It's impossible for you not to have problems with your student tag.
46) You get demoralized from seeing a drawing god do his work beside you.
47) Everyone has a laptop. If not, you're (almost) dead.
48) Guys wearing nail polish aren't a big deal anymore.
49) Your textbooks are full of pictures. Even the typography ones.
50) Your total school fees is enough to buy a small house.
51) Sunway Pyramid is now boring for you.
52) A world class school has third-world parking spaces.
53) You take smoke-breaks every chance you get.
54) Wikipedia is actually allowed as a source.
55. You actually start recognising different fonts, and remember their names too.
56. You know that the initials TOA stand for "Thousands of Assignments"
Fallen 9:58 PM
in the grip of darkness
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I hate being pressured.
Each time it happens, seriously. I get really annoyed when I'm told to do things a certain way, when I know that way isn't the best way, or isn't the way I'll do it.
Eh, you can click here to see a post I typed once about something similar.
Like I said, I get totally turned off when people want me to be something I'm not, or pressure me to do something in that way. I just stop responding properly, 'cause it's just a bloody nuisance to keep listening, to the same old lines, the same old things I hear all the time, said again and again. Yes, I know where you're coming from and what it means, but must there really be a reminder of the same lines over and over? I mean geez! Sometimes I hear it so often it starts to lose its meaning. It's not very inspiring too, especially put together with the rest of the context.
I know what I'm doing, and I don't need reminders. I've had plenty of experience, and trust me, 7 years is quite a long time for experience. Do I learn from my mistakes? Of course, I've made a hell lot in the past. But I also see what works, and what doesn't, and if I were in their shoes, how I would react. I've gone through every stage in the cellgroup, save leadership, 'cause I've said countless times, I hate being in leadership positions.
And even if your way was effective, it would be effective for you. Not me. Might it be? Well, based on experience, it rarely works. I've got my own way, and that's how I am. I will do something to improve, should it be in line with the way I am, or the way I do things. Of course, I'm not perfect, and the way I do things aren't the best of the best. And I will continue to learn int he future regardless. However, it's worked for me most of the time, and I've done it countless times. Also, as a guy, I know how guys react to other guys, and to what things. How girls interact with guys is different. If I did that, it'd be really gay of me, and it will get a negative response from them. I know what I'm doing. I've been doing it for many, many years. And I'm a guy, I know how guys perceive things. Also, telling me again and again to do something in the way you suggested, isn't that making me do things the way you want it to be done? I'm doing it. I will do it in my own way, in my own pace. Pressure me to do it faster, or in a manner that's not mine, in a way I'm not comfortable with and you will see an outcome that neither of us wants.
I'm no evangelist, definitely. In all my cellgroups in the past, I've never been a consistent person who brings friends. But I am excellent (if I do say so myself) in making friends with them, and integrating them into church. Do I succeed 100%? Of course not, but even if they do leave church, there's still a decent friendship there. At least. I know what to do, but being chided into doing something I know won't work, isn't the time yet, or not in the manner I do it is just plain annoying. I never like to insult people in front of their faces. Teasing, sure, but outright insults, are very rare. Arguments and conflicts aside, of course.
I hear tons of crap from people, to an extent I don't know what the hell their intelligence level is like. If they tell me some fact I know without a doubt is fake, I won't correct them. 'Cause if I corrected every single error I heard, I'd seriously be annoying to them, I'm sure. I mean, don't you find it annoying when you're constantly corrected, or hearing someone correct everything? I don't want to end up like that. If it's something I think I should speak up for, then I will, but if not, I'll just agree, nodding and such, although in my mind I'll place a mental note that you have no idea what you're talking about, and in the future I'll be careful to listen to what crap spouts from you. And although I won't judge a person by it, I will unconsciously think of them as less intelligent. Sorry, I don't mean any offence through that. I'm just being honest about how my head works.
I really appreciate all suggestions, seriously. But I get annoyed if it's being pushed and pressured onto me, and especially if I know it doesn't work. It might not be seen as pressuring to you, but it is to me. And if I were to tell you how, you might be inclined to see things from my point of view. However, I will not. 'Cause you most likely won't see it from my point of view anyway. And even if you did, you'd probably not understand why it annoyed me. Tell me once, or maybe twice if I forget. Tell me again and again, successively, for no damn reason, and I get pissed.
Sure, your intentions are good. But so many evils in this world done for good intentions as well.
Fallen 1:04 AM
in the grip of darkness
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Meh, I came back to KL on Saturday night. My dad dropped me off at Larkin and I got onboard the bus. Well, remember I mentioned that the trip down to JB was good, unlike all the times? Well, going up, it was annoying, unlike all my previous trips. There was some moron sitting behind me, who spoke with the LOUDEST voice! I mean, geez! Like when he was talking on the phone, his volume was at a level that wanted everyone to know he wore red underwear! Okay, I made that up, but you get my point.
Freaking nuisance. He also kicked my seat quite a few times too. Zzz. Anyhoo, I wanted to train up a bit back in KL, so I brought my weights from JB onboard. I wanted to bring the entire set (20kg total) but it was freaking tiring to carry all that with all of my luggage. Not to mention bringing it across half the country wasn't the pleasant thing to do. So I brought 10kg worth, which was still freaking tiring with all my luggage, and needing to take public transport and still go home from the station only made it worse. I think I had a workout like that!
Next morning I walked to the LRT station since there was no one at home. And on the way, it rained, heavily. Zzz. Luckily I was carrying a coat, so I covered my Bible, although I was soaked in the progress. I reached church just on time and attended the very final service. It was a special service, that weekend was the drama production "Will You Marry Me". Heh, about 4 girls and guys who have their love lives intertwined with each other. Kinda hard to explain, but it was very enjoyable. There was a lot less dancing than last year's drama, but story-line wise, it was much better. Also, since I attended the last service, which didn't have the special dance, I missed personal Cindy's dance. Awww...
Anyway, the next day was the church family day. It was like a mini carnival of sorts. There was also the blood donation drive. I went for it, heh, making it my 9th blood donation. They also told me not to play any sports or do any form of exercise in the next 24 hours. Of course, though... I'm a psyko, do I ever listen?
I went out of the church building for the rest of the other activities. I tried a few, but my favourite was the basketball. in 40 seconds, from a certain distance, shoot as many as you can. The current record was 14. I tried, and ended up with 10 only. I tried again, and got 8! So I stopped and watched the other cellgroup members play. Vonny ended up with 10, and Linda with 12! Heck, I wasn't gonna get beaten by a girl, so I played one more time. This time I focused really well, but at the same time I had a larger audience than before, which also made me nervous. So I shot the first one in, and continued, till I hit 15! Woots, I was the champion! And the roar of the crowd also felt damn nice. The best male and best female were supposed to challenge each other and the winner would get the prize. Since it was only Linda and I, a victory for either of us would have meant we shared the prize.
Then came in Patrick, some guy I don't know, but heard his name. He came in after the single gender part was done, but still asked for one more try (he's the one with the record of 14 earlier). He tried one time, and when he knew he couldn't win, he gave up before the time ended, making everyone go "Huh?" Then the time keeper gave him another chance, saying he had more time than what he thought. So he shot again, and repeated the same thing. Three times. Each time he got to try again (for free, I paid everytime I played). On the fourth try, he finally scored 16. Meh, what the hell. He and Linda competed he and won. Zzz. Cheap eh?
After that, I felt like collapsing. I've heard of people fainting and all, and I know a few friends who have. But I've always wondered, how does it feel like to faint? Are they that weak? Well, I had my first (almost) after the basketball. I was dead tired after my 3rd round, and I really felt like blacking out. Never felt this before, and I didn't expect a lack of one bag of blood to be that tiring. Pfft. It feels... like, you're super sleepy, but not in the yawning way. It's like, how a battery fades, you just slowly drift off into the dark. Something like that.
The next few days were at school, to complete some assignments. JT (no, not Justin Timberlake) would give me some assignments, a significant portion of which was tracing. So in the span of 3 days, I had to do 40 assignments. GEEZ! That's more torture than I had in the previous semester! And I managed to finish it too. I guess pressure really helps huh? I checked my results too, and ended up with straight B's.
I watched Final Destination 4 with Ruz on Friday. LOL! Freaking funny, all the deaths. Exaggerated and absurd, but gory. Just plain fun to watch all the deaths, nothing else. I went for the subzone combined meeting after, which was a bigger cellgroup meeting of sorts, to get to know some of the new friends better, and basically get to catch up with the people in our subzone.
After everything, a few of us were hanging around, doing stupid stuff. For example, Vonny giving me her hair.
You can go shoot yourself now ^^
Fallen 6:36 PM
in the grip of darkness
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Yes, yes, I know I'm seriously lagging on updates.
My trip back to Singapore was pleasant. Unlike my previous visits, where I'd try to meet as many friends as possible and cram my schedule, this time, it was much more personal. I visited a lot less friends than before, but had superb quality time with them.
It was also a little more sad than before, because I attended a funeral wake and visited a friend in the hospital, two things I'd rather not have happened.
Anyway, I'll make a post on the trip in a few days time. And also the weekend when I came back up.
That's 'cause I'm doing my figures now. Yeah, figures during the holiday, what the hell right? I need it for OTP. 20 tracings yesterday, and 10 today, all to be passed up within the next day. Geez!
Anyway, I saw a really thought-provoking quote.
Be aware that what you chase may not be worth catching