Where will you be my darling? Where will you be when the dark is rising?
Friday, December 31, 2010
Aye, the last day of 2010. Heh... and I still owe a lot of posts. LOL.
Craps. There's much to be blogged that I haven't posted yet. And it's already the end of the year.
2010 was a year full of events. Seriously. My friend once said "Something interesting always happens to Howe." And I have to agree with that. My life is never a dull one, fortunately. At least things happen. Better than having a dull life all the time. And thankfully, 2010 was no different.
There were also a lot of firsts this year. Let's see... some of the major things that happened this year:
I went to Genting three times, with two groups of friends.
I went to Malacca for the first time in about 10 years.
Started having drinking sessions in my house.
I went to Penang for the first time in my life.
Had three gigs for my band. Later, Kai left the band.
Zoe left to go back to Canada. God knows what bitching she'll do about my family there.
Had a Marsiling Secondary School reunion.
My cellgroup W19 merged with W31.
Attended Asia Conference 2010.
City Harvest Church was investigated by the police.
Stopped liking Kai Yih. Started liking Shana. She moved to USA. Ouch.
Sze Ying moved to Penang for good. But she's moving to Seremban now. Don't know about closure.
Failed my first subject in TOA. Ended up getting a B after retaking the subject.
Went through a crappy Kancil Awards time. Learned a lot about my groupmates. Not pleasant.
Attended two weddings. Faith and Heng's, and Chee Kiong and Gwyn's. Both weddings of leaders over my life in Kuala Lumpur and Singapore, respectively.
A guy I knew (sort of) committed suicide.
Had Gary, Seong Voon and Ashleigh come up to KL for a visit. Honoured, really. Well, Ashleigh was up here for Zoe, but we became friends anyway.
Discovered a very disturbing truth. All the lies.
Yeah. These are the ones that come up to the top of my head at the moment. A lot of new experiences this year.
Plus, in addition to all that, I made a hell lot of new friends this year. Well, I make a hell lot of new friends every year, but let's just say that this year, quite a number of them became really good friends of mine, and I had the pleasure of introducing my friends to my other friends.
Yeah. So this year has been a very fun year for me. Kinda dramatic too on my friends part. I've had to be a friend to all my friends, with additional effort put in 'cause there were so many issues this year among them. But well... I think I helped alright. Decent at least.
So yeah. It's the end of 2010. And I still haven't blogged about so many posts I said I would -.-. Wait for them in the new year. Ha!
Time flies (as usual), and another year is gone faster than I'd expected.
I'd like to end with a quote I saw in a book. Maybe two, since it's the end of the year.
"I don't care what your problems are. You deal with this, right now."
"Deal with what "is", things as they are, and not how you wished they were."
Fallen 2:26 PM
in the grip of darkness
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Click here to read a one of the best articles I've read online, in quite a while.
Although I know and do the stuff it says, seeing it all compiled in one article just impresses me.
Fallen 2:54 AM
in the grip of darkness
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
I am disappointed beyond all measure.
Fallen 2:12 AM
in the grip of darkness
Saturday, December 11, 2010
I owe a lot of updates (and I haven't finished my Singapore post either!)
And guess what? It's still going to drag for now. Lol, the holidays were supposed to start today, but I've got to resubmit my book design (read more on the upcoming updates, lol), so I'm technically not on holiday yet. In fact, I didn't even plan to blog, but I'm feeling pissed off and having a hell of a remembrance due to a guy committing suicide. Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. Alviss Kong.
Long story short. This guy committed suicide because his girlfriend of 4 months dumped him. He still loves her, and says she gave him the strength and courage to actually kill himself. I'd like to take this opportunity to say "SCREW YOU" because suicide isn't courageous at all. It's freaking cowardly. It's bloody selfish. And it's undoubtedly retarded. It's an easy way out. I mean, seriously? A few reasons why people want to commit suicide is because they think its a way to solve their problems. Nothing left for them to deal with. Yeah, but they give a hell lot of additional problems for their family and friends to deal with. Your family's gotta pay thousands of bucks to do up your funeral. And Chinese religions, their funerals aren't cheap. They're well known to charge extravagant amounts, basically ripping people off. Regardless, you put financial constraints on your family. Plus, you give everyone around you more emotional baggage and depression than you ever had while you were alive. Less problems? Yeah, for you. Not for everyone else. Plus, if you end up in hell, that's a problem you'll never solve.
This guy also said that if the future boyfriend ever hurt her in any way, he'd haunt the guy as a spirit. Of course, being a Christian, I know he won't haunt the guy 'cause he's dead. And even if I did believe people end up as ghosts, I seriously doubt he'd be able to haunt the future boyfriend. There have been lots of morons who've died. You think haunting is so easy? Why is it only in precious few places? Why aren't all the morons of the living being haunting ghosts as the dead? You forget that there are people much worse in this world who've died and never haunted. Do you see a ghost that only haunts Jews? Ummm... that was a Hitler joke =/. Where are all the tyrants and evil people? Why aren't they haunting people? Several of them died violently too, the "pre-requisite" of becoming a ghost. Unfinished business? There are still Jews around! Hitler hasn't done his job yet! Okay, enough with the Hitler jokes. And what's the worst part? You don't want her to be hurt and stuff? Well, unless she's an emotionless ice queen or into necrophilia, she would probably be the most hurt person here. Do you know how guilty she'd be? That she was the reason behind your death? Don't hurt her? You hurt her the worst yourself. Hypocrite!
And lastly, the issue that irks me the most. Because of one girl, you end your life. Is your life that worthless? Did you have to suffer through an earthquake? Did you starve and forage for food? Did you see the horrors of war in person? Were you born with no arms and no legs? Did you suffer from a painful disease and have it slowly eat your body? If you went through any of these, suicide would be more understandable (stupid, but we'd symphathize). You led a life better than half the human population. Hell, you went clubbing! I actually saw you in Maison before. You dyed your hair. You had a pretty hot chick as your girlfriend (for a while), and you tossed your life away. God knows how many people would give much more than life to be in your position. And you threw it all away. Is this one girl worth that much? Sure, lives are priceless. But just one girl. You never gave a damn about your family and friends. Apparently the love from your parents was nothing. All the effort and time spent raising you into the person you are. Were. You're dead. And that means you didn't value the friendships you had around you at all. They're all worth so little that you'd throw them away so easily. Pricey things are hard to give away. That's why people are selfish, and being generous is hard. Giving a million dollars is hard. Giving a diamond is hard. It's hard because its valuable, and its pricey. We don't like to lose valuable things. Suicide means you throw every single one of them out the window. It means your friends weren't even valuable, 'cause you tossed them away so easily. They weren't hard to let go. They meant nothing. You said you didn't want anyone to hurt your ex-girlfriend. What about your friends and family? How come you didn't mention for people not to hurt them? Hurting them is fine?
You got rejected five times by her before she accepted you. You persisted and persisted till she accepted you. She broke up with you once and you commit suicide. What the hell happened to all that persistence? How come you didn't kill yourself the first time she rejected you? One breakup and you die? There's something called patch-ups. And they have happy endings sometimes. You wasted your life. Granted, you didn't choose to come into this life, but you sure as hell had no good reasons for ending it.
Hmmm... looks like I ended up typing in first person to him. Now here's the thing. I totally understand how he feels like. If anyone has valid attempts on suicide, I'm totally guilty of it. Poisons, knives, thrashing. I know what it feels like when you're thinking about suicide. How everything would be so easy if you just left the earth. No problems. Just silence. Death. Very welcoming. Inviting. You think about how people would react to your death, how people would talk about you. But they don't have as much of an impact as your friends would like to believe. It's deafened, extremely muffed. You just apologize to them in your head, but don't think of what they actually go through. Just a brief idea that is only a fraction of what they will actually feel. You think about how you'll be missed and remembered. And when the time comes, your heart beats nervously as you prepare to commit suicide. Want to jump off a building like Alviss? Your heart thumps like mad. You reconsider a bit. You imagine what it'll be like to fall past all those floors. How your body will end up. Wanna cut your wrist? You think about it. How it'll hurt even more than those previous cuts last time. You think how the blood will flow. How fast your blood will spurt. I know all this, 'cause I tried before. Some methods I even managed to do, and thankfully I didn't die.
That's why I can't stand it when people talk about suicide so easily. People that say they're going to end their life. They talk morbidly about how they're going to do it. Or when. Or that its actually not such a bad idea after all. Idiots. You have no idea how much effort it takes to actually do it. You think its so easy? It takes a hell lot of effort to get up and do it. Thinking about it is very, very easy. That's why people talk or think about doing it. They don't know how it feels. Getting the necessary preparations or awaiting the moment to die. Lots of people chicken out in this stage. That would be a good thing or our suicide rates would go through the roof. It's freaking hard to be on the edge of your life. The tip. I can't stand people that talk about suicide as if its something they can do anytime, whenever they want. They don't know crap about it. Talking about suicide like that shows they have no idea what suicide is really like. Posers. Fakers. Attention seekers. It's definitive proof that they've never even attempted suicide before. And its highly likely they will never have the guts to do it ever. People who actually attempt and/or succeed in committing suicide don't talk about it as if its very easy to do. They know what its like. I know what its like.
You might be thinking, hey, didn't your friend commit suicide too? Nicklaus? Why aren't you blasting him? Because we have no idea why he committed suicide. He cooked a meal for the cellgroup a mere 2 weeks before the died. We chatted quite a lot. He had lots of friends. No one really knew why. He never mentioned it, he never said he was depressed or unhappy. At least for Alviss, I know the reason why. And it's not a good reason. I'm not calling Alviss an idiot (well, I am, but go on) like everyone else on the internet, saying its stupid, his family will be sad, and blah blah. Not just that. I've been depressed before. I know what it feels like so I can empathize on why he'd want to do it. However, a girl (of only 4 months) is not a good reason. There are good reasons for suicide. A lot of them. Although I don't support suicide, I don't deny there are cases where suicide is actually a rational option. Like dying of a terminal disease that causes you unbearable pain. Like being bankrupt and ending up on the streets. Like scraping for food just to barely survive each day, knowing you'll die hungry in a short time anyway. Ending a life in these kind of situations is very rational, even if I don't support it. Suicide for such a simple relationship issue is pathetic. I had a breakup with my girlfriend of 6 months and I came out of it. Was I depressed? Oh yeah. Did I try to commit suicide? Definitely. I am guilty as charged. That's why I say I understand. That's why I can describe all the little emotions. I know how blind you are to what will happen to your friends and family when you die. But coming out of it, I know how stupid it is. Emotional hell plays hell on your mind.
This marks the end of my post/rant. I just really needed to get this off of me. Like I said, I know how it feels to be in that frame of mind. It screws with your head. But at the same time, I feel that Alviss' reasons and words were extremely retarded. Haunt the person who hurts her? He'd be haunting himself. Plus, all the other factors I mentioned, apply to everyone else who tries it. And the posers who talk about it as if its some easy thing. That's also retarded.
You have a good reason for suicide? I highly doubt it. Go chicken out and live your life fully. Three billion people in poverty who have every reason to die live more fulfilling lives than you.
Fallen 12:42 AM
in the grip of darkness
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
A bit of rationale on why I don't use the words "Brother" and "Sister" to my closest friends.