Sunday, November 25, 2007

I've just been flamed in my friends blog. Haha... it's been a really long time since I've actually been flamed.

If you'd like to know what he said, take a look at this link: http://crooksalike.wordpress.com/

The post titled "Selfish" is all about me.

Just a little background info. My module MAD (I don't know what the acronym stands for) needs us to make a film. So we decided on a shinigami that gave a group of three friends rings that would give them special powers. They would go on to bully the antagonist (me), and the shinigami would give me a ring that gave me psychic powers. I would then use my powers and steal their rings, and later on the shinigami would take them away from me.

So, there were problems with filming because people weren't free at certain times. Mostly, I wasn't free because of church. I'm not typing this post as a direct rebuttal of his post, but I'd hope this would give you a perspective to see why I don't see myself in the same way he does.

I tried to be the very kind of my own, the more sociable type, in the end, some people took it for granted I guess.

I did not take his kindness for granted. I was really sorry that I couldn't make it. Taking something for granted involves you not respecting the effort or kindness received. Did I take it for granted? No. I was truly sorry I couldn't make it, and continued to make up the filming during the times all of us were free. If I were to truly take his kindness for granted, I would not have given a damn at all whether I turned up or not on any day.

I didn't say you can't go for your service, I know you are so god damn holy, but look at what is on the priority list, can't you just skip a day of service for the sake of the project, furthermore there is two services IN CHC, skipped the Saturday and go for the Sunday, is it that difficult, furthermore, friends birthday you can say huh? then forgo your own results, forgo your own future then, don't drag us in! You yourself know who I am referring to. Everybody knows how to prioritize our own part of life, since yours is to be holy most of the time, quit the freaky school and be a pastor, preach everyday!

I never implied he said I couldn't go for service. My priority list? Above all, definitely God first, no matter what the schedule. Yes, he's speaking the truth when there are two services in CHC. However, my main service is on Saturday, whilst it is possible I could make up on Sunday. Sunday is my family day however, which is why I go back home to Malaysia every Saturday night. As I said, I don't take purposely take anything for granted, but I do admit I took my family granted for a while. When certain news broke a few months ago, I knew I had taken my family for granted. A few weeks ago, there was a painful reminder of my selfish attitude towards my parents. You know what, since I don't hide anything in my blog, I'll just say it out. I cried on Tuesday about two weeks ago at Riverwalk, after the helpers meeting with Michelle. Embarrassingly, I had nearly all the leaders of GT Zone there, plus the helpers in my cellgroup, except for Jessica. Why? Because my parents are divorcing. Yes. You saw that correctly. Divorcing, after 26 years of marriage. My mom broke the news months ago when I was visiting KL, and if you're wondering why my blog song and nickname on MSN was "Heavily Broken", there's the reason. The Monday before the helpers meeting, there was an incident between my dad and I, where he mentioned the divorce again, and I cried for two hours. Two hours! I have never cried that long in my life before. With this, I knew I had taken my parents for granted, thinking that they'd always be together. The reason why I didn't want to go for Sunday service was because I didn't want to take my dad for granted. I had promised him weeks ago, before I moved to Singapore, that I'd come back every Saturday night and have a family day on Sunday. I have paid the price for taking my parents for granted, and my tears are all I can offer. I don't want another repeat... promises mean a lot to me.

On the birthday issue, I had promised long ago that I'd attend my friend's birthday, who's Koh Wee by the way. I had church on Saturday afternoon, and only made it around night time, to celebrate his birthday. My friend had asked me to go and film the last scene needed at midnight the previous night. I was a little taken by the sudden schedule, and asked if they could film on Sunday instead of Saturday night, since I had promised attending the birthday long ago. I could see he wasn't happy, but he said okay. I did appreciate him allowing that, but seeing his blog post, he might as well have told me to screw off and tell me how he really felt. Honestly, I'd appreciate that more, because I'm the direct kind, and I take direct statements better than taking reluctant statements, and then getting flamed on his blog after. I did not forgo my results, nor did I try to drag in the rest. I just tried to find an alternative, which was to film on Sunday instead. Plus, it isn't easy being a pastor. I'm merely a helper, not even a cellgroup leader. If I could, of course I'd like to be a pastor. You get paid to do church work full time? However, as much as I'd like to dream about that, it is obviously not a reality at this time of my life. Maybe in the future, but at this point in time, it is my education, and right now, that film. As I said, I didn't forsake the results of the group. I just asked for an alternative. I never knew I'd tick him off that much with a suggestion.

Now lets see into the situation, you wanted me to compromise you so that you can go on Saturday to celebrate a friends birthday and in the end ask me to carry all the stuff that is suppose to shoot you only in the scene for like a few minutes all the way from Choa Chu Kang to Boon Lay, furthermore, the next day carrying it to school again. Still nevermind, out of all the time when we are suppose to do video editing, you want us to take up the time to do your scene taking again? I know it is my fault for forgetting parts of the scene. But look at it this way, who is the person who cannot come for the shooting most of the time. I told you to change your character to ZongLun since he can make it most of the time and you said you wanna take up the role. WTF! Fine then, I go with your idea, now scene is not complete, I asked you out to shoot, you told me, cannot, your time cannot suit, if it is ZongLun, I would have get that scene done by now! Freako~ GEEZ

I did not ask him to compromise me so that I could go for Koh Wee's birthday. Yes I did ask him whether we could film on Sunday and he said okay. That was through MSN, so I could not read his emotions. Through his post though, it seems like he was fuming when I made that suggestion, but he still agreed. He needed to carry a camcorder and tripod stand. It's not heavy, but inconvenient, and I could see why he'd be unhappy. However, if I'd known he'd be this angry, I would have gladly helped him take it to Boon Lay. Really, I'm not just saying this. Ask anyone who knows me, whether I have ever denied someone help when they needed me to carry something for them. Never. And I seriously mean never. Sometimes I even take the initiative to help someone carry things, although I admit not frequently. From Malaysia, I drop off at Kranji MRT, which is just one stop away from Yew Tee, where he lives. I could have met up with him and helped him to carry the stuff, then do our filming at Boon Lay. If he had asked, I would have done this. He didn't however, so I assumed he was okay carrying some extra weight. Bad foresight on my part? Fine, my bad then. My fault. However, he did say he'd be staying overnight at his friend's house to do video editing. Since we need to do filming in school tomorrow, he would have needed to bring the camcorder regardless.

He also admitted it was his fault for forgetting the scenes. If he had remembered, none of this would have happened. If he had remembered to film that scene, he wouldn't be flaming at me and we would have completed the scenes anyway, either with me or Zhong Lun. Since he did forget, and asked me very suddenly to finish that last scene, do you think its fair? That since that scene wasn't filmed, he's ranting at me, blaming me all the way because of his mistake? If he had just remembered, he wouldn't be flaming at me. Everything would've been done. It's as good as ranting at me for his mistake. However, everyone makes mistakes, so yeah, I won't blame him for just one mistake. And yes, he did ask me to switch Zhong Lun's role with mine. However, I had already been cast as the bad guy in the beginning, and seriously, I was interested in doing the role. Perhaps my own interest of being the bad guy had caused filming problems? Fine. My fault. But I also didn't want Zhong Lun taking the role because he's expressionless most of the time, and I really didn't want the bad guy being an expressionless guy. As he said, he would have completed filming by now if Zhong Lun had taken the role of the bad guy. I can't deny it. It is true. My fault? Okay, fine. But as is yours because of your forgetfulness. If you hadn't forgotten, we would have finished filming by now also. Because one just one scene unfilmed, because he forgot, he's blaming me for the whole thing. Like I said, I did ask for an alternative, and he did agree. Albeit now I see unhappily. Very unhappily.

Don't ever get missing again today, if not, your name won't even appear in the credit list since yiquan and xingquan can simply replace you right?

He messaged me what time I'd come for filming today, around 1-2pm. I only reached Singapore around 5:15pm. I messaged him at 5:30pm. He gave a "Nvm. i asked yiquan already" as the sole reply. I didn't go missing. I have no reception in Malaysia and so I couldn't receive the SMS earlier. I replied soon once I reached Singapore, where he didn't reply my message after the "Nvm" SMS. I don't doubt the fact he's capable of removing my name from the credits. However I didn't go missing today, and I did ask him. I can safely assume he won't remove my name, because I didn't go missing. Of course, he might interpret the 3-4 hours of no reply as "missing". Understandable, because I really can't stand people not replying for hours on end. However, I was in Malaysia, with no reception, and I replied his message in less than 15 minutes once I received it.

All in all, I can see why he's unhappy. I could easily pass the buck by saying it's his fault, for forgetting that needed scene that caused all this ruckus. But I don't. I admit my schedules made it difficult for them to film. However, please see things from my perspective. All this would have never happened if you hadn't forgotten to film that scene. Yet now because you forgot, I'm getting blamed for the entire thing? You went along with my idea, and we would've finished filming if that scene hadn't been forgotten. Hey my idea did go through perfectly, it's just you forgot that scene. So don't go blaming me for my ideas when there was nothing wrong, and we would've made it through anyway. The only reason my idea didn't go through fully is because of you. Yet you're flaming me because of my idea? I am dealing with my parents divorce, which is hitting harder than I expected. I never knew how people dealt with their parents divorces. But know experiencing one myself, it hurts. And it hurts much more than I can imagine. Be thankful I haven't broken down, and I've been keeping it quiet all this while. If I were to release the emotional trauma I'm going through, it'd take a miracle for us to film anything with me in it, regardless of roles. Also, I'm renting a place in Singapore, and the mother of my friend wants the rental money already. I needed the money, which could only be received in Malaysia. If I had skipped service and Koh Wee's birthday to go filming, I'd still go home very late. That would mean waking up at 6am just to go for church service. That would mean I'd fall asleep in service, because the earliest time I reach back home on Saturdays is usually 1am. To be fair, let's not get religious here. Honestly, do you think my sleep and attention for a few extra kilograms is a fair deal? I'm excusing the fact that church is really important to me. Non-Christians will never understand why Christians are so on fire to go to church every week, and why it's so important to them. My unhappy friend has been in church before, but I suppose he doesn't understand it. I've been criticized countless times because of my faith, my stupid (to them) devotion to God. If I'd skipped service, it would have shown my attitude towards God. Ah, but they'll say "God will understand." After all they say "God wouldn't want you to fail your module. God will understand if you just miss one service." But God will see that I make the effort to come down for my appointed service too. Non-Christians won't understand. That's why I tried to make an alternative. Go for service, then go for filming at another time. I tried to make both parties happy. Obviously, I failed in doing that.

It's not pleasant when you make a good friend unhappy. The guy is a good friend of mine, and I obviously don't feel good that he's this upset because of me. All I can do is apologize. It's true my schedules made filming difficult, especially with me taking the role of the bad guy. That I don't deny. But then again, he's blaming me for nearly everything when his forgetfulness caused all this. And, if a school project is going to affect friendship to this extent... well, I have nothing to say.

Chronicled
11:35 AM

e l e g y